Everyone Else Is Doing It So Why Can't I

I have given up on the blog-a-day recipe. There are several reasons. It was not fun. It made me cry. Most of all it made me not funny. Boo Hoo.

As my last blog of 2006 I have decided to do a "Best Of" list. Please remember, these are MY best ofs not yours. Therefore, if you disagree with me, tuff!

Best Movie That Made Me Piss My Pants
Borat
Maybe it's racist. Maybe it's rude. Maybe it's stupid. These things I don't know. All I know is this: I left the theater with soiled undies. This is definitely the best comedy since There's Something About Mary.

Best Movie Based On A Comic Book That Has Already Been Made Into A Movie But That Didn't Stop Them From Making Another One
Tie: Batman Begins and Superman Returns
Some may say it's the amazing special effects. Some may say it was the fresh new story lines. Some may even say it was the sexy sexy actors who played the main characters. The truth is, the reason these movies are so amazing is because of one simple reason. Both of their titles had verbs in them. We all love a good verb.

Best Celebrity Deaths That Came In Threes
James Brown, Gerald Ford, Saddam Hussein
Honestly, I don't remember what happened the rest of this year. There may very well have been a better celebrity death trifecta. I'm however, entirely to lazy to do any research. You have to admit though, these are some doozies.
1. First came James Brown. The father of indistinguishable lyrics. He was able to take those sounds you make when you stub your toe on the coffee table in the dark into actual chart topping songs. No one else has even come close to making that work. Maybe Eddie Veder. Maybe.
2.Then Gerald Ford bit it. The only man never to be elected to the oval office. Good for him. All he had to do to get there was compromise his morals and pardon a completely evil man. The Devil if you will.
3. Last and certainly not least in this parade of death, Saddam Hussein. He was hanged for the killing of 148 people following an assassination attempt on him in 1982. What about the millions he killed since then? Well you must remember, He was our ally then. We certainly can't hold him accountable for atrocities he committed under our watchful eye. Especially since we gave him the green light.

Best Reason To Go Outside
Sunlight
Apparently this stuff makes things grow. I haven't seen the proof yet. I'm gonna have to defer to the scientists on this one.

Best Album
The Decemberists: The Crane Wife
No jokes here. Just great music. If you don't believe me, do a search on google for "best albums of 2006" and check it for yourself. This album is on everyones best of list. Maybe not at #1 but that is just because they are stupid.

Best Reason To Stop This Blog
I'm done
Seriously, I have things to do. Please go outside. Celebrate with your friends. Be careful tonight and if you get the chance, find a priest to rape.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Day 23: What Happened To Day 22? (HAPPY BOXING DAY!)

It was Christmas dammit. I know I don't celebrate the commercially drenched holiday of the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I was busy. Deal with it.

Over the weekend my homey Jay and I worked on some music. It was great. It felt really good to be a part of the creation process. I suppose you could say my main contribution was to be a "creative consultant", however I did provide some drum machine and keyboard skills. By some I mean nothing of great importance came from me. It was still fun.

I picture the music we make together as "Techno-Metal-Pop". I wonder if Jay would be willing to have another "side" project?





This is what I found out about this great holiday:

Boxing Day is a holiday celebrated in Britain, Australia, New Zealand, and Canada. It falls on December 26th, which is also St. Stephen's Day.

St. Stephen was a little known saint who achieved eternal fame by being the first Christian to be martyred for his faith, and he met his death by stoning.

Boxing Day is so called because on this day it was the customary for tradesmen to collect their Christmas boxes or gifts in return for good service throughout the year. Also, it included giving money and other gifts to charitable institutions, and the needy.

The holiday may date from as early as the Middle Ages, but the exact origin is not known. It may have begun with the Lords and Ladies of England, who gave Christmas boxes/gifts to their servants on December 26, or maybe by priests, who opened the church's alms (charity boxes), and distributed the contents to the poor and needy.

Boxing Day may not be as much fun as Festivus but it's close. Weee!

Day 21: Happy Fucking Christmas (almost)

Day 20: Blood Diamond

I went to see Blood Diamond last night with my buddies Eric and Jay. It was pretty amazing. I was not expecting to be entertained as much as I was. Especially by Leo Decap.

It's a pretty brutal movie about diamonds that come out of these war torn areas of Africa. I have been aware for years that most diamonds are mined in Africa by the locals in almost slave like conditions. However, I did not know the kinds of things humans are putting each other through over there for the right to have and sell these diamonds.

I wonder, if people knew that someone lost an arm for their diamond necklace what they would do. Would they give it back? Would they even care?

Jesus. What is wrong with us?








This is interesting as well.

Day 19: Confessions Part I

I want to be honest with you about something. This is something I have never told anybody before. I'm pretty sure, not even my mother knew about this. I am very very stupid when it comes to writing the English language. I don't just mean I make tons of spelling errors - which I do - or that I have horrible grammar habits - ditto - I mean everything. The actually hand writing of the language of the free world is beyond me.

Here is what I mean:

1. No matter how slowly I write, I guarantee you will not be able to read it. I don't care if you do work for the CIA as a code breaker, it's not going to happen.

2. I'm pretty sure I don't know how to spell anything. The only reason I get anything right when I type is because of luck and spell check.

3. I can't write in cursive. Only my name. That's it. I'm serious. How little of a brain do you have to have, not to be able to write in cursive? Didn't we learn that in grade school? Fuck.

4. There are several letters in the English language which I have never been able to master. I CAN'T FUCKING WRITE THEM! These include: G, K, Q, S, and Y. I can't make an upper case G without feeling like I'm wrestling an oiled up Rosie O'Donnell. I only know one K and that is upper case. Please don't ask me to write a lower case. It is impossible. I would prefer not to speak of Q. My S's both lower and upper look like 5's. Or is it that my 5's look like S's? I don't know. There is nothing I can do about this. Believe me, I've tried. Y is the same as K only opposite. I can only write lower case Y's.

Man I'm stupid. I'm only telling you this so we can grow closer by sharing. Now please give me some of your embarrassing flaws.

Day 18: Blogger.com Shows How Cool They Are

Blogger.com announced the other day that the new version of Blogger is no longer in beta. It just is. It is what it is. Blogger.com.

They said this:

I am overjoyed to announce that today we have o’ficially graduated the new version of Blogger from “in beta” to “.” Why is this significant? Allow me to explain via analogy:

Battlestar Galactica with Lorne Greene : Battlestar Galactica with Edward James Olmos :: Old Blogger : New Blogger

That's right. Battlestar Galactica. Please don't make fun of this. Your have no idea what you are missing. It is by far the best television show ever. NOt just the best Sci-Fi, the best period. Ever. FUCKING EVER!

Here is a taste. This one is free. After it, you have to pay.

Day 17: You're A Cunt, You're A Cunt, You're A cunt....

I pissed my pants when I saw this. Literally. I'm sitting here in a pool of my own piss. It's warm.

Day 16: Amos Lee LIve or Humanity's Stench or That Hot Girl Next To Me Just Touched My Arm

I just got back from seeing Amos Lee live in concert at The Gypsy Tea Room. Right now it's 11:43 pm. Just barely made it. Almost had to miss my first day of the "Blog-a-Day". I know most of you pricks out there are hoping for my failure to maintain my promise to blog every single day for the next year. You know this failure will drive my OCD ass to purchase a gun and end it all by blowing my brains out in front of an elementary school right as the last bell of the day has rung and all those innocent , tiny humans are running to the bus with visions of cartoons and candy dancing gingerly through their TV and or sugar addicted minds.

You people are sick. Really fucking twisted ass sick. Damn you.

Back to the subject at hand. Amos Lee.

HE WAS FREAKING AMAZING. That man can sing like no other in this modern world of computer enhanced vocals. You didn't really think Britney and Paris could really sing did you? Sorry to stomp on your poor pathetic excuse for a life.

I only have one complaint to lay upon this fine evening. It was in Dallas. Fucking Dallas. Seriously, what the fudge muffins is wrong with the retards in that city? What kind of strange Peruvian rain forest disease makes them want to shell out $20 for a ticket and then, while the featured act is playing, bark to each other like horny mongoloids on a rampage through a playground full of virgin puppies ripe for the pickin'?


It was nice however, to be around that many humans. It has been a while. I miss the smell of sweaty meat popsicles (that's a 5th Element joke for all of you keeping score out there) grinding together in unison. At one point, this incredibly beautiful woman standing mere inches from me actually bumped up against me and her skin I KID YOU FUCKING NOT touched mine! Needless to say, every bodily fluid imaginable came out of me at once and I had to flee to the safety and confinement of the bathroom. (It's a good thing I brought that extra set of clothes with me. I need to remember them more often) When I returned to my spot in the humpfest that whorish woman had the nerve to look repulsed. You know what the graham cracker crust you did!

In review: It was a pretty darn good affair. Weee!

Here is some Amos Lee for your listening pleasure:

Day 15: He Died Doing What He Loved

Nothing makes me want to rape midgets more than this statement: "at least he died doing what he loved".

On Sunday, one of the three men missing on Mt. Hood, Kelly James, was found dead. Of course, when his family found out they said this: "at least he died doing what he loved". What kind of bullshit is that? Who cares what the fuck he was doing when he died?

I'm pretty sure while Mr. James was huddled in his little cave, waiting for deaths sweet embrace he said this to himself: "at least I'm gonna die doing what I love". Hmm. I'm pretty sure that is not how it went down. It probably went down something like this: "FUUUUUUUUUUCK! I'M GONNA FUCKING DIIEEEEEEEEE!!! SHIIIIIIIIIIT! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

I don't mean to trivialize his death. I also don't mean to trivialize the awe inspiring sport of which Mr. James was a card carrying member, mountain climbing. OK. I do mean to trivialize mountain climbing.

Only crazies and robots are stupid enough to climb a mountain for fun. Just because it's there.

Here is the moral of the story. When someone dies. Know matter what he was doing when it happened. Don't say this: "at least he died doing what he loved". Nobody wants to die. Not even doing something they love. Nobody.

Day 14: Sunday Image Extravaganza II

I assume this picture was taken during the depression. Obviously I don't know that for sure. It struck me as true yet very sad. Has anything changed since this picture was taken?

Day 13: The Best Music Video Ever

Nuff said. Watch and learn you depressed emo bitches.

Day 12: Mr. Holland's Opus Still Makes Me Cry

True story. I know I know its pretty damn gay. It does and you can deal with it. C'mon you know the part. The end. Where Mr. Holland enters the auditorium and everyone stands and cheers and there is that huge banner that says "Good Bye Mr. Holland". Yes it's cheesy. In fact, the whole movie is pretty cheesy. However, Mr. Holland's Opus is very well written and very very well acted. I love Richard Dreyfuss. He's my man.

There is one problem however that rains on my party of buttsexery. How many people, 30 years after the fact, can still play the instrument they played in High School band? Huh? How many? I refuse to believe that Gertrude Lang played by the always pale Joanna Gleason can after 30 years be the Governor of their fine state and still have time to polish up on her clarinet playing. Bullshit! Hogwash! It totally ruins my teary eyed moment. Damn them.

With that aside, I still love Mr. Holland's Opus. I vote it for best movie of all time. Ever. That new Rocky movie may give MHO a run for its money though. I can't wait. Toodles.

Did I mention William H. Macy is in the movie. I'm sure you all knew that already. He's dreamy.

Day 11: The Republican Conspiracy And Why A Woman Or A Black Man Won't Win The White House

I read an interesting article this morning about how the Democrats may lose control of the senate. If Sen. Tim Johnson of South Dakota becomes dead or is incapacitated for the long haul it will most likely mean the end of the Democratically controlled Senate. If he bites it then the Governor of his home state gets to pick his replacement. Guess what. Gov. Mike Rounds is a Republican (Excuse me while I vomit). The chances of him picking a Democrat are about as good as this guy passing a High School Equivalency exam.

Here is what I think: Conspiracy!

It's obvious the republicans refuse to accept a Congress that is completely controlled by the Dems.

It's obvious they had to do something about it.

It's obvious they tampered with Mr. Johnson's brain.

Damn Republicans. Will they do nothing to stop at their total conquest of the universe? No.

This is also the reason why Sen.'s Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama (the two front runners for the Democratic nomination for President) will not be living there in 2009. The Republicans could run Rick Santorum with David Duke as Vice President and they would still win.

Like that guy used to say in those suit ads "I guarantee it".

I know the picture at the top has nothing to do with this blog. It just makes me giggle like a little girl.

Day 10: I Have Nothing To Say

This is going to be a long year. Ten days and I'm already out of things to blog about. Dookie.

Maybe its just because I have nothing to do. I'm not sure I have even talked to another human today. Hmmmmm. Do county employees count? For now, I've got insurance. This is the first time since I was 19. How ridiculous is that. I never once claimed to be a smarty.

There is this: Merriam-Webster Dictionary has declared Thruthiness as their first annual "Word Of The Year". If you are a fan of The Colbert Report then you know what I'm talking about. If you are not, then you are stupid. You Idiot.

Well, I'm sorry I haven't had more to say to my disciples. Here is a comedic image to sooth your souls. Peace.




Wait!

That's not funny. That's sad. Now I must go cut myself.

PS. I just realized that one there at the bottom of Minnesota. I did some research. It turns out, one of their delegates wrote in John Edwards for President and John Edwards for Vice President. So that means John Edwards officially got 1 electoral vote for President. Wee.

Day 9: A Sports Report For All You Stupid Fucks (sorta)

So. The Dallas Cowboys........wait. Let me start over.

So. Stupid fucking sports. There that's better.

Today's blog is once again ripped straight from the pages of my local fucking newspaper. It appears the Dallas Cowboys have unveiled plans for their new stadium. Wee.





(First, let me tell you this: I did not vote for this stupid shit. I wasn't even allowed. It's like I was a black person trying to vote in Florida. You see, I live in a small town called Kennedale. Wee. Kennedale is right next to Arlington, which is where the new Cowboys stadium is being placed. You can't buy anything in Kennedale. There is not even a grocery store. If I want to purchase anything besides petrol for my fucking car, I have to drive to Arlington. What am I getting at? The tax imposed in Arlington which will pay for roughly 1/3 of this new extravagant contraption affects me. Sure its only .05 cents. What you don't know: I spend millions every day. I'm fucking rich. Wee)

How much is it going to cost?

$1,000,000,000.

That's a billion. ONE BILLION DOLLARS!

Do you stupid fucks have any idea how much money that is? I don't. I was kidding earlier when I said I was rich. I'm not really rich. Man that makes me sad. Just like the xtians (you see how I did that? You know, because sometimes we say xmas. Damn I'm clever. Someone give me some money......seriously) these stupid fucking sports fucks are building shit we don't need. Not even shit we don't need. Shit we REALLY DON'T FUCKING NEED GOD DAMN IT!!!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Could we feed the hungry with that money? Could we house the homeless? Could we give every person in this god forsaken country $3.50? We will never know. Actually we do know. It's math. God how I hate math. (You people have no idea how long it took me to figure out about how much each man woman and child would get in this country. No idea. I'm pathetic)

God I hate this country. Why can't I live in Sweden? Or how about New Zealand?

Day 8: 4 yr Old Gives "Sexual" Hug

I refuse to believe this story. My eyes must be deceiving me. I must have forgotten how to read english. Maybe I have just somehow slipped into Bizarro World. Either way, I seriously feel like I'm about to puke. Seriously. Fuck

How in the fuck can you say that a 4 year old boy gave a "sexual" hug? I mean shit. Come the fuck on people. What the fuck is wrong with our world? What's going on? Have we seriously gotten to the point where we can accuse a 4 year old of sexual harassment?

I thought for sure the biggest sign of the apocalypse would be Britney Spears showing off her snatch to the whole world. Now this. Seriously folks. I'm scared.

However, there is a small chance this kid did sexually harass that woman. In which case WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? Where does a kid at the tender age of 4 learn to sexually harass? Which is worse? The school freaking out about a 4 year old "sexually" hugging a teacher or a 4 year old boy sexually hugging a teacher.

I want to cry.

For our planet.

(and my eyes for having actually gazed into the mindless fuckvoid that is Britney Spears' pussy)

Day 7: Sunday Image Extraveganza

I Stumble alot with Mozilla Firefox. Every once in a while I will find a picture that really makes me think. Or it just makes me laugh. Or weep.

I've decided to show you some of these images over the next year. I hope you enjoy.

Day 6: IMOGEN FREAKIN HEAP!!!!

I just found out the other day that the love of my life, Imogen Heap has been nominated for two Grammys.

The future Mrs. Layne will battle it out in the 'Best New Artist' category and the 'Best Song Written For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media (Cant Take It In from The Chronicles of Narnia – The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe). As far as the 'Best Song Written For A Motion Picture' category, she has a pretty good chance of winning that one. It sucks because she stands no chance in hell of winning 'Best New Artist'. With such amazing acts (I say that with a look of disgust for my visually impaired readers) as James Blunt, Corinne Bailey Rae and Carrie Underwood (yeck) its a no brainer the award will go to the lowest common denominator. Immi is way more talented than these hacks, which is a sure fire sign that she will not win. Bastards.

Oh well. It's an honor to be nominated right. Right.

Day 5: The Thing Was:

I couldn't sleep. I got up. I felt like reading some Kurt Vonnegut. I grabbed "Galapagos". I'm already on chapter 17. Jesus Jumping Jack Flash Fiddlesticks Christ. This man can write. I am of the firm belief that Mr. Vonnegut could write about my last bowel movement in a way that would make God weep. Not Jesus. God. Jesus weeps at everything. I just might stay up all night and finish this damn thing. Or not.

Kurt Vonnegut, I adore you. If I were a woman, or if I were gay, or if I just wanted some casual sex regardless from who or what, then I would most certainly give you a bit of the ol' in-out-in-out. I'm serious. Seriously. I am.

If anyone reading this wants to get me a xmas gift. Do this: Get me a Vonnegut book that I don't own. (I own Galapagos, Slaughter House 5, Breakfast of Champions, and Timequake) Used or new. I don't give a good god damn. Of course I don't celebrate xmas. I trust you won't expect anything in return.

If you don't want to give me a Kurt Vonnegut book, please give me a job.

Day 4: When A Man Loves A Woman

I want to fall in love with a woman. It's an experience I have never had. I've come close I think. Twice. However I think with both of them, it was more lust than love. Yeah. Lust. Love's touch has never fallen upon me. There has never been a human in my life I've truly wanted to be with. Not just be around. Be with.

I'm not crying here.....well.....maybe just a little.

The way I see it, at the golden age of 26, my time for love has most likely already passed. I'm now so set in my ways and beliefs, there is no way I'm going to settle. It would take a pretty amazing woman to catch my eye. An even more special one to catch my heart. All I can really look forward to is this:

Being the old guy on my porch with the cane, yelling at passing kids to stay off my grass. Damn fucking kids. Bastards.

All i need now is a cane......and a porch.

Fucking kids.

Day 3: My Heart, Hearts New York

On Tuesday, New York City became the first American city to ban artificial artery-clogging trans fats at restaurants. Is this a good thing? Yes. Is this a bad thing? Yes. Here is what I mean:

The liberal in me says YES. The city of New York is only doing this to help people. It appears once again, Americans are to dumb to make good choices for themselves. (2 examples of previous bad choices include refusing to wear seat belts and this nasty little thing called slavery) The government has stepped in to protect us from ourselves.

The conservative in me says NO. The big apple has completely overstepped its boundaries in deciding for us what we can and can not put into our bodies. If I want to put deadly chemicals into my pie hole, I should be allowed to. It's my American right.

It seems a good thing. People eating in New York restaurants will be healthier because of this decision. It sucks the decision was made for them. At this point in time we should have the common sense to ban this shit ourselves. We don't.

I don't call New York home. Now a part of me wishes i did. My heart. Damn my parents for screwing in Texas! Home of the perpetual dip shits.

Day 2: Churches!

There aren't a whole lot of things in this world that make me sick. OK. There are.

There aren't a whole lot of things in this world that make me REALLY REALLY SICK! OK. There are.

There aren't a whole lot of things in this world that make me want to pull out my pubic hair one by one while blowing a sailor about to leave for Iraq. There is only one. Fucking huge fucking churches! While riding around with a friend today, I think I saw maybe 6 or 7 MEGA-CHURCHES. These are churches so big, they make malls look tiny. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Do they seriously think this is what god wants? Yes. Yes they do. They believe, instead of spending the millions of dollars it costs to build these monstrosities on helping people(homeless, poor, sick, whatever) it should be spent building these monuments to fairy tales that do nothing but separate us and make us miserable.

If you belong to one of these churches, please kill yourself. If you don't, please, for the love of god, allah, jehovah or whoever the shit it is you do or do not believe and or pray to, help me. Help me by burning down these eye sores. All it takes is a can of gas and some matches. Who's with me??

Anybody?

If you don't have any gas or maybe you just ran fresh out of matches, there is a very small thing you can do instead. Wait outside one of these churches until someone exits. Then. Punch them in the genitals. If we cant burn down these bitches, then maybe we can at least stop them from having more mindless automatons.

A blog a day for the next year

Maybe not. Maybe so. I mean, who the hell knows. More than likely I will forget. More than likely I will really be homeless before I can even finish my first. Today is December 4th 2006. I guess you already knew that. Damn. This isnt exactly a great start. Fuck it. Sorry for the language.

Today I sit at a crossroads. I know thats cheesy. Its the truth. I have no job to speak of. I have a problem that sidelines me from my previous work. Although I wouldnt say Im to choked up about it. However, it will make me poor. In fact, I am already poor. Poo. A friend suggested I start a blog. He suggested I start one to make money. He has suggested many things. Many of them I ignore or dismiss as insane. For some reason, this isnt one of them.

Oh shit! A little about me........and my blog:

1. I will do almost anything to avoid correct punctuation or sentence structure.
2. I will most likely cuss more than you want. Unless of course you demand a non stop cussfest, in which case you are shit out of shitty fucking luck. Fuck.
3. I dont believe in "bad" words. However, I do believe in old people and stupid christians.
4. Im a liberal. I say liberal things. I also say improper things. Sometimes it involves children. Sometimes what I say offends old people and stupid christians. Fuck em.
5. Im not a fan of old people or christians. Unless they are giving me money. In which case.....no I still dont like them
6. Im usually much funnier than this. Unless you find this funny. In which case please keep moving. You are not welcome. Unless you plan on giving me money. Then you can give me money. But then leave. Thanks
7. Im 26 and I live with my grandmother and retarded brother.
8. Sometimes I cry.
9. I honestly believe that no matter how bad it gets, there is always suicide.
10. From now on please refer to me as "Butch". Reasons will be disiminated to the masses at a much later date.

After doing my spellcheck I realized it wants me to capitalize christians. No.