Why I Love Outsourcing

I spend way to much time on the internet looking at porn.

My internet is broken.

As long as I have no idea what they are saying and conversely they have no idea what I'm

saying, my internet problem will never be solved.

As long as it's not working, I can find time to do more important things like:

• Read books
• Watch reality shows
• Bake cakes
• "Bond" with Carter
• Clean
• Get a little "crafty"
• Ponder the meaning of life

Thank God for outsourcing. And thank God for Indians. The real Indians.

Chris Hedges Is Tha Bomb

Not only did he write this book, he is also featured on one of Heir To Madness' songs.

I hope he does guys.

Our President Is An Effing Joke

I'm listening to the press conference. He sounds like a befuddled 10 year old boy up there trying to answer these questions. Also, I wonder why no one ever calls him on his serious bull crud to his face.

Trains, Buses and Civic Dutymobiles

Boomtime, Discord 64, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

Here are some of the things I did on Wednesday:



I rode the train for the first time. These folks seriously would not shut up about their stupid card game. Who knew minorities read the paper.


I rode the bus for the first time. One thought and one thought only kept running through my mind as I boarded this bus. Where did all the minorities from the train go?


I had jury duty. I served. I was the foreman. I laid down my mighty meat clever of justice. Pauly Shore was there. He kept touching my behind.


I kicked a hobo to death.

Bright Eyes, Oakley Hall and Mcarthy Trenching, 5/11/2007, Palladium Ballroom, Dallas, Texas: A Review or My First Epic Blog Since My Last Epic Blog

Prickle-Prickle, Discord 61, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173





OK. So first things first. I'm not 25 feet tall. Nor am I a gifted photographer. Nor do I even own a camera. I stole, um, er........ borrowed these pics from some website. Basically it looked the same.

I went into this show with/and being a fairly new Bright Eyes fan because of Lindsay. I came out with soiled trousers and a brand new man crush.

The night started out with a couple of observations:

• #1. If a ticket says the show starts at 7:30, the show really starts at 9:15.
• #2. I am old. Not old in the traditional gumming-my-food-drooling-on-myself-pooping-my-pants- screaming-at-kids-as-they-run-across-my-yard-whilst-playing- a-hotly-contested-game-of-stickball-generally-creeping-out- my-great-grandkids-with-my-waaaaay-to-long-hugs-pats-on -the-ass-and-sloppy-old-spice-laden-kisses kind. No. No not that kind at all. More of a "JESUS HERBERT CHRIST LOOK AT ALL THESE DAMN KIDS AND WHEN THE HELL DID KIDS START CARRYING CELL PHONES AND WHEN DID THESE DAMN KIDS START DRESSING LIKE THAT AND WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BEHAVE AND I KNOW I DIDN'T ACT LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS A KID" kind.

Once the show started I tried to forget about all that jazz. The opening act was a band from Omaha, Nebraska (which is of course where Connor Oberst and Bright Eyes are from) called McCarthy Trenching. However, try as we may, we could not make out the name of the band no matter how many times it was said by various persons on stage throughout the night.

At first I thought they were pretty good and I wanted to buy their album. Then it appeared they were pretty much playing the same song over and over just with different themes and introductions such as: "this is a song about the west" or "this is a song about cowboys" or "this is a song about crickets" or "this is a song about spaghetti" or "this is a song about how I think of touching little boys but I don't. My reasons for not going through with my sick, sick primal boy rape desires is that I don't want to make baby Jesus cry". You know, the usual.

Next up was a joyous family bandish hodge podge of musical delight. They went by the moniker of Oakley Hall. They were brilliant. It was like countryish, rockish, folkish.....stuff. They put on a great show. They are my new favorite band.

Before I tell you about Bright Eyes, I would like to tell you about a weird Phenomenon/Crisis which has hefted itself upon us. It is in these dire times, when live music in Dallas is just barely hanging on by a limp noodle of an appendage, that the giants living amongst us have decided to pounce and destroy our rock show experiences with their 6ft 5in demonry. I mean seriously folks, where in the biscuit tossing world did all these tall people come from. I had to stand on Lindsay's shoulders just so I could get a fleeting glimpse of what I thought was a musical performance going on in front of us all. It was like camping. It was in tents.

Anyhoo.

Bright Eyes. The main attraction. I don't want to go on and on and on and on about how amazing it was. Although it was. I don't want to drool all over my computer and pants just thinking about how incredibly stupendous it was. Although I am. There were about 14-15 people on stage most of the time. 3 drummers. A couple of cellists. Flautist. Saxophonist. Keyboards. Guitar. Bass. Violin. And various other multi-talented musicians. They had a guy in the back making art with various objects and then projecting them onto a screen behind the band. He was doing it live. It was fairly interesting.

They ended the show with what seemed like a 10 minute version of "Road to Joy", which from the first time I heard it has been my favorite tune in the very extensive Bright Eyes catalogue. However, to say they ended with that song is not telling the whole story. They actually ended the show with noise and a bit of violence. Just as I thought Mr. Oberst was taking off his guitar off to smash it into a million musically useless fragments he freaking hands it to the audience. Just hands it off. Can you believe that. That guy must be mentally retarded. He then proceeded to rip apart the setup on stage. He through some flowers at the audience. He kicked over some percussion jazz. It was great. Not something I agree with doing but something I seriously love watching.

Then, as we were leaving the venue. Lindsay was having a bit of a hard time getting out of her parking space because people (at times) can be bitches. So, she just backed right into somebody. I was like "HOLY SHIT LINDSAY, CALM THE FUCK DOWN"! Then she slapped me in the face. She told me she had no problem backing over my legs and then kicking me in the twig and giggle berries. Then, when some lady had a problem with her driving. Lindsay made me piss on her and her kids. It was very scary. Never in my life have I been so frightened. In fact. I'm still frightened. I hope she doesn't read this and get pissed and then travel to my apartment and douse me in gasoline and set me on fire and then laugh while I melt. I hope not.

(there may have been some writers discretion used on that last little bit)

Shopping With The Carter

Pungenday, Discord 60, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173


I can't believe they sell this stuff at Kroger. I mean damn, you don't even have to work for it. It's just there for you to buy. BADASS!!!

Also, it was right next to the pink salmon. AMAZING!!!

"They Crawl From The Ocean To Paint In The Caves, But I'm Workin All Weekend I Need To Get Paid"

I have lived like a rock star this last week. Honestly, I'm sick of it. I can't wait to get back to my old boring life where I just sit at home and try to think up ridiculous crap to say in a blog that has no purpose.

• Monday - Spiderman 3
• Tuesday - Fox & Hound for a Black Forest and some Pear Cider
• Wednesday - Amateur night at Hyena's where some guy totally stole my bit about humping my Grandmother.
• Thursday - Modest Mouse (where I saw the most original band every in the history of sound, Man Man)
• Friday - Bright Eyes tonight with a friend I've been trying not to actually see in person for quite some time now.

I don't have anything funny to say. I just wanted y'all to know how much cooler I am than you.

By the way. Carter has his own site now. That's why there is no more According to Carter. It's right here.

Spiderman 3 Starring: Thomas Haden Church as Sandman, Topher Grace as Venom and Bruce Campbell as Maître d’

Pungeday, Discord 55, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

So yeah, I can now join the ranks of humans who have seen the new Spiderperson movie (trying to be politically correct).

If you compare it to previous Spiderperson movies it blows disgruntled goats. However, it was definitely better than watching a Care Bear marathon while my grandmother sits naked in my lap eating butter with her hands.

!!!!!SPOILER WARNING!!!!!

They kill Venom. That's dumb. He is the best Spidey villian. I hope Sam Raimi has a heart attack.

The Rare Weekend Post or If You Wanna Be With Me You Gotta Get With My Friends

Season of Discord 53, Sweetmorn - 3173
(from now on, for your convenience, all dates will be converted into the Paratheo-Anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric calender dates. Thank you for your cooperation)

I know many of you have thought about this. You have stayed up late at night wondering "how can I convince Tim to be with me and not all those other adoring fans that clamour over him like salted pork at a fat farm?" Well wait no more for the cosmos to dribble its knowledge into your waiting pineal gland.

If you wanna get with me, you have to have these qualifications:

• You have to be more attractive than me. I know this sounds simple but you have no idea how many marriage requests I get from bearded women smeared in spoiled apple butter.
• You have to be able to name at the drop of the hat these people: The President of the U.S.A., the Vice President, the Speaker of the House, the Governor of your state, the Lieutenant Governor of your state, both of your U.S. Senators, your U.S. Representative, Your state Senator, your state Representative, the mayor of your city, the President of your local school board and local P.T.A., your neighbors on both sides of you and directly across the street from you, the person who wrote the Principia Discordia and the King of Sweden
• You must not watch: American Idol, America's Next Top Model or any other incredibly mind draining, soul numbing "reality" television show,
  
• You must not listen to anything currently playing on a top 40 radio station. Notice: this is cyclical and as soon as something is no longer considered "popular" you are free to resume listening to this music as it is no longer in league with The Dark Prince.
• You have to know who Terri Gross is and who her last guest was.
• You must read. Books. Well. And be able to demonstrate this ability upon request. Tests will be given.
• You must not, I repeat, MUST NOT be aligned with any, I repeat, ANY religion. Just because your parents did it doesn't give you the right to poison your mind with that dividing, hateful, fear mongering nonsense.
• You must be willing to sit alone in a dark room and listen to "The Music That Died Alone" by The Tangent. When I ask you how you felt about it you must respond "it was the most amazing thing ever. Seriously. Ever. I'm actually crying. And I'm pretty sure I peed a bit". Here is a picture of this album to help you on your quest to find it so you can get cozy with it before our meeting.

If you meet and or exceed these qualifications you will be granted an interview with me about joining me in union. Instructions for how to handle the interview process will be uploaded to this site at a later date when time/space/continuum constrictions allow.

Peace.

HAIL ERIS!

FIVE TONS OF FLAX!

Giving Immigrants A Path To Citizenship

Before you read this blog, consider this: Just because slavery was legal, did not make it right.

After the U.S. abolished slavery, no one seriously thought former slaves should be held criminally responsible for breaking the law by running away from their masters when slavery was still the law of the land.

I recommend we look at illegal immigration in the same light. We have a seriously jacked up immigration system. It can take more than a decade to get the green light for moving into this country. That is ridiculous.

Yes these people did come here illegally. Yes they are breaking the law in many ways by staying here. Forged documentation, not paying taxes, etc.

Their country is a total crap basket. All these people want is a good life. Where they can bring their families and let them have a future.

As long as they are peaceful and plan on contributing to our society and our economy, there is no reason we can't let them come.

Our laws are the reason these people are criminals. Not their actions. There is a difference.

Therefore, I see nothing wrong with allowing those already in this country to get a path to citizenship.

It's obvious to me, the real reason for the anti-immigration fervor is racism.

I hope this blog made sense. I wrote it kinda fast.

I also hope that if you don't agree with me that you will kill yourself. Thanks.

My Beard As A Topic Of Conversation

It's not a new thing.

For the past 7 years, give or take a few months here and there for my clean shaven, Mormon like appearance, I have had hair growing on my face in some fashion. And at least once a week since I started my hairy endeavor, someone has made it a topic of conversation.

Especially in elevators. Especially in elevators.

I'm Pretty Awesome

Busy, busy, busy.

That was me this weekend.

A couple of things happened of great importance.

#1
I moved to north Arlington. So I could be closer to Guitar Center. So I could go in at any time and caress the sweet, sweet Access Virus TI with my nipples.

#2
I was on the news. Yes, that's right, unlike you, I was on the news. My thoughts on the very important topics that touch and shape our world were in great demand. They had to feel my feelings. With their hearts. With their minds. With their souls.

So, in summary: I'm better than you.

Sorry.