Several Reasons To Move To The Forest And Say Fuck It

The average full time working human makes $800 less a year than they did in 1977. However, the expense of living (food, shelter, transportation, health care) has gone up over 70%. Both of these figures have been adjusted for inflation.

Meanwhile: Last year, Exxon-Mobile brought home more in profit ($39.5 Billion. That's right, BILLION!) than any other company ever in the history of our known universe. While they were raking in that major freaking dough, we paid all time highs at the pump.

Meanwhile: The credit card industry remains unregulated while they continue to rape us in the tookus.

If an average family went out and spent $5000 on everything they needed to get ready for a baby and put that money on their credit card, then made the minimum monthly payment every month, this is how long it would take them to pay it off: That child will grow up, get married and have their own kids before it's all said and done. About 36 years. And that is if they don't raise the interest rates above the average of 18%.

One in every 7 Americans pay money to a collection agency.

In 2005 Congress passed a law that makes it much tougher for the average American to declare bankruptcy. The lobbyists for the credit card industry are the ones who wrote that law. Literally. FUCKING LITERALLY!

Meanwhile: George Walker Bush is still in office. Richard Cheney is still his vice president. An illegal war is still being waged in a foreign land. A war for money. A war for power. You fucking christians can't really believe these guys were chosen by God to rule over us. You just can't.

They give no thought to our future. All they know is they must grab everything they can with both hands until they hear the DING! And my friends, there doesn't seem to be a Ding! on the horizon. Only more ass raping.

Lesbians!

Does it make me gay that I like the Indigo Girls?

I hope not.

The last thing I want is a Penicular Device in my mouth and/or anoos.

Till the White Wings Of Death Carry You Away.......

So, I married Dave and Kate this last weekend. I was so nervous I had to wear my depends. And yes I did poo my pants. It was a good thing I had them on.

It was a very cool experience. I don't really agree withe the institution of marriage so I found some stuff to say that ran along the lines of what I believe in personally and Dave and Kate liked it.

I read a passage about marriage from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. Part of the quote read: "you will be together until the white wings of death carry you away..." so of course I decided it should best be left out. I figured to myself I could remember to skip over it and need not write in my book thus graffiti-ing an amazing work of art. I didn't. So I started to say that line, stammered and somehow was able to not say those mood unsetting words and carry on. No one seemed to notice.

Carter and Deondra both did an excellent job of performing "Where I Belong". A song that Kate wrote the lyrics to and Carter and Deondra recorded a while back. You can hear it here.

It was actually a lot of fun and I hope in the future when my friends get mewwied they will remember me. That is of course if they aren't up Jesus' ass.

Last Night I Was Attacked By A Bear!!!

I assure you, this did not happen.

However, this did: It was the first episode of "This American Life". I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to use quotes like that for for Jesus' sake I can't remember all these damn literary "rules".

Was it as good as I hoped it would be? Yes.

I was going to write this long breakdown of the show and tell you all about it in great detail. I've decided not to do that. You must see it for yourself. If you go to their website they have all the rerun times on there. Also, you still have time to get Showtime. Do it dammit. Also, I know I misspelled dammit. That's how I like it.

!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!

They just said on my ipod (which means they said it yesterday) Fred Dalton Thomas may very well be taking a shot at the Cracka Crib.

I'm taking this moment to make a prediction. If he does decide to run, he will be the next president of these United States. I guarantee it.

Also, sometime next week I will bring you a breakdown of all the presidential possibles in all parties. So please stay tunes cause I know you are excited about that.

Aslo, how can you expect anyone to take you seriously when you pronounce all your R's with W's? "We have a wheel pwoblem with nucleaw pwolifiwation in Iwan. Wheely. I'm sewious. It's a wheely bad pwoblem".

Have a good weekend. Or not.

So, I Married Two Axe Murderers

My friend Dave and his fiance Kate are getting married on Saturday and I'm going to be there. Right there. In front of them. In front of everyone. In a suit. Holding some marriage type words in my hand. Speaking about love and friendship. Asking for our lord and saviour Jesus McChrist to bless their holy union. Then. Afterwards. I will be signing a document. This document will more or less bind these two together legally. My name will be on that document. Forever. I feel so important right now.

Why do I feel like it's my first stand-up gig? Only I don't think I'll be making them laugh. I'll be making them cry.

Saturday. Be there or be square. My first marriage. Their first marriage.

Whoopee!

The History of Competetive Scrabble???

This morning, I was listening to a podcast of Talk of the Nation, a daily talk show on NPR. The main topic of the day was Bracketology. Mark Reiter has written a book called "The Enlightened Bracketologist: The Final Four of Everything" in which he (along with many guest Bracketists) make brackets for not quite everything.

First, I have this to say: I love the idea of a good top ten list and/or using some method to determine the "best" of anything. In fact, I tend to do this in my head all the time. Since I was a wee lad, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, covered in hot sticky sweat, grasping for some sort of writing material/utensil because I must figure out who has the best chicken tenders (Chicken Express) or some other maddening nonsense which most people would dismiss as a momentary lapse of sanity.

That being said, I thought I was alone on this. I had imagined all my life that I was the one with the problem. I was the one with the obsession. I was wrong.

I don't know if I'm more happy to know I'm not alone or sad to know there are others out there like me, infecting the world with their garbage.

On that note, have a great weekend you schlubs. Or shall I say schlub? I know there is only one of you reading this. I can dream though can't I? Can't I?

P.S. Schlub is not negative. I think.

Which Begs The Question: What The F**K?

How in the hell....after all that has happened....can anyone with a brain in their head....still support the current administration? I am so freakin sick of Bush apologists. I want to puke. I mean seriously. Are these people robots? There has to be something wrong with them. Unless of course they are just kidding. That must be it. They are kidding. I'm not laughing.

I can't be specific. There is just too much. TOO FREAKIN MUCH!

We have been lied to. Repeatedly. About very serious issues. Our future is in the hands of greedy, motherless, manipulative, evil thieves. All they care about is making a buck. They certainly don't lose any sleep at night lying straight to our faces about their motives.

I know I'm not alone on this. There are millions of Americans and non-Americans alike who concur with my point of view. I say non-Americans because like most of us I'm only vaguely familiar with the concept that there are other less fortunate people that don't live inside these great Jesus blessed borders of ours. I mean I know they are out there, I just don't know what those places are called. Is it England? I heard someone say that once. Is that right? England?

We don't really care though do we. I mean yeah, I'm pissed but what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Maybe it's because I feel defeated before I even start. Maybe I'm just lazy. I keep telling myself, "as soon as I get my crap straight then I'll start trying to make a difference". I wonder.

There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Right? I'm not sure we can take much more of this.

Maybe the Jesus Fanatics are right and we are living in the end times. If so, I hope God can realize I have been kidding all these years. I have accepted Jesus into my heart as my lord and saviour and I voted for Bush just like he commanded. Oh lord, I just puked a little in my mouth just typing that.

Jon Stewart said it best: "Which begs the question, what the f**k?"

These people also said some things.

"What the world needs now is love" - Burt Bacharach

All we need is love. - The Beatles

We all need some light now. - Transatlantic

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair" - Ron Burgandy

"Inconceivable" - Vizzini (the short ugly guy form The Princes Bride)

"Die you mutherf***ers!" - Man #4 (Pulp Fiction)

This Is Not The Last Time I Am Going To Mention It

The Jesus Machine

I recently read a book by Sam Harris called "The End Of Faith". A rousing call to action against faith. In it, he posed this very interesting question:

Imagine there are two candidates for President. On one hand, we have a candidate with an amazing political resume and has publicly stated that he/she does not believe in some imaginary parental figure dolling out judgments from his magic golden castle in the sky. On the other, we have a beautiful actor/actress who until recently had no interest in politics at all and the only thing we know about them for sure is they are a super-duper-hands-in-the-air-oh-god-oh-god Jesus freak. Which candidate would win?

The answer is scary.

This is a poll I would genuinely like to do.

If you have any ideas please let them be known.

Held To The Past (to aware of the pending)

The Shins/50 Cent got it right. Live in the moment or die trying. If you don't understand what I just said, join the club.

Did you know the FDA might start regulating the cigarette market? Some former director of the FDA was asked why they don't just ban them because they don't have any health benefits and all they do is kill their users. He replied: "We can not ban them because there are 23 million Americans who smoke and that would just create a black market".

I wonder if they've thought about pot this way? I doubt it.

The government is ignorant.

And stupid.

And christian.

And dumb.

And racist.

And dumb.

From: Tim To: The Haters and Nonbelievers

It's happening. There is nothing you can do about it. It can't be stopped. No way. No sir. No mercy. No thanks.

What the crud am I referring to?

I just heard news of a new television show. Presented on Cable. A show that will command the airwaves in a kind of total dominance not seen since the days of I Love Lucy. That's right. I Love Lucy. Shut up.

Thursday, March 22nd at 9:30pm Central. Mark that date and time with a permanent marker. I don't care where. Just mark it. I'll wait.

Showtime has decided to bring one of the greatest radio programs of human history to the moving picture industry. That show: This American Life. If you don't know what This American Life is, you are most likely a Republican. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. JKJKJK. Actually, you probably just don't listen to NPR. Which of course makes you a right wing fascist pig. (Notice I'm not laughing here).

Every week on This American Life, Ira Glass sucks you into a cosmic rift in the space-time continuum of which there is no escape. He transports us mere mortals into a realm of complete bliss. It's a show about real people. It's a show about real life. It's a show set to flip the switch on television as you now know it. Dude.

So please, for the sake of the children, give it a once over. If you don't like what you see, you are stupid. Plain and simple. And if you don't have Showtime, you need to get it or find a friend that has it or watch through a neighbors window. Jesus Krizal!!!!! Just do something. I'm so sick of your bitching. There is a reason why God invented stealing cable.

Go.

P.S. Lindsay. I told you. Give me $1.

My First Blog Since My Last Blog

I know it's Friday. I know I'm supposed to be working right now. I know so many things. There is however one thing I don't know: Why have I not Blogged in so very, very long?

Regardless of the answer, I am blogging now. So please. CALM THE FREAK DOWN!

You may have noticed that I used the word freak right there instead of that other unspeakable word that I might normally use. Like I said, I'm at work. I've been here for 4 days including today and the last thing I want is for my boss to be standing behind me while I curse away like a drunken sailor hopped up on goofballs.

NEWS UPDATE! NEWS UPDATE! NEWS UPDATE!

As you may have deduced by now, I have a job. I work with The Carter. Well, I don't really work WITH him. I work at the same place. However, if I stood up at my cubicle and yelled CAAAAARRRTERRRRRR!!! I'm pretty sure he would stick up his cute little head and I would be able to make eye contact across the room.

A lot has happened since my last blog. Actually that's not true at all. Besides the job, nothing of great importance has happened. Except this: Dave Matthews appeared as a brain damaged concert pianist on the show House this last Tuesday. WEEEEE!

If you don't find this blog more amusing then I can blame it on only one factor: My boss is staring at me right now.

I promise to have many, many, many more blogs in the future. I'm thinking about installing a door on my cubicle that way I will be able to blog with impunity. Next on Homeless Blogger: Tim looks for a new job!