Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Gen. Pervez Musharraf is a bit of a bitch. However, he's not that far off from what we have going on right here in the United States.


What is to keep whats going on right now in Pakistan from happening right here?

Nothing whatsoever.

As a nation, we find ourselves in a bit of a pickle. We have becomes serfs. We are told by the all powerful lords that we have the privilege of getting some credit so that we can buy things we don't need. Because of this, we find ourselves in servitude for the entirety of our lives.

This is no longer a free country. 1913 changed all that. That is the year the Federal Reserve Bank was founded. By the way, its a private organization. It's not actually a part of the government. That's right, the place that issues our money is a private bank. They loan money to Washington and in return Washington pays it back. With interest. Where do they get that interest? From our income tax.

The income tax we pay every year provides for no services. It goes strictly to paying off the debt that our government has taken on. A debt which they don't even have to have, because the United States government has the power to issue money. They don't have to go to the Federal Reserve. So why do they? Good question.

Oh yeah. That income tax you pay every year. There is no law anywhere that states that a private citizen earning money for their labor has to pay one cent to Federal government. Look it up. I dare you.

Meanwhile, over the past 94 years the folks in charge in Washington have been making a power grab. The president now has the power to declare a national emergency and instate marshal law and he doesn't even have to give a reason. Sound familiar? That's right. Pakistan.

Unless we wake up soon, it will be too late.

Go here.

Watch that movie. Sign up with Restore the Republic. Do something goddamn it!

P.S. Did I mention the national ID cards? They go into effect May 2008. Without one, you won't be able to get on a train or airplane or have a bank account. Aces.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Bee Movie


Am I the only one wishing this damn movie to go the eff away?

It's like I can't take a shit without some form of advertising about this bullshit movie crossing my path.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jerry Seinfeld as much as the next fuckstick. But seriously, I can't take any more of this. I'm actually praying for a terrorist attack that wipes out all electricity across this great nation of ours so that I wont be subjected to this nonsense any longer.

And WHAT THE FUCK are these fucking "TV juniors" they keep showing on NBC? They just make me wanna mouth rape a retard.

THE END

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Opeth

Watching Mikael talk about Porcupine Tree made me hungry. Hungry for some Opeth.






Sunday, October 28, 2007

Porcupine Tree

I just got back from the Porcupine Tree show at the House of Blues. I have to go to bed. It was as amazing as you think it was. In honor of it, I give you these:




















And I think all of you want to know what Mikael thinks about it.












Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Everybody be cool this is a robbery.

I'm not ashamed to thieve ideas. Especially when they are from a site as amazing as this

Me + Glen Phillips =

Love Babies.

I went to his show this last Sunday. As well as playing music, he talked about allot of stuff. Including Dirty Dancing.

I went with Shawn, Michelle and Sarah. It was at a yoga place. It was neat.

One of the greatest things about Glen live is his banter with the audience. Nowhere else could this have taken place:

Shawn: (yelled about the rest of the crowd) "I had the time of my life!"

Glen: (spoken quietly into the mic) "And I owe it all to you"

Also, I insulted the opening lady. Her name is Natalia. I called her Natalie. Then I banged on the bathroom door and yelled to see if there was anyone in there. Only to find it was Mr. Phillips. I scared him. I'm a douche.

He played Rise Up. Which is basically his best song ever. You can hear it on his myspace.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Wow! Matthew Israel himself reads my blog! Somehow I doubt it.

Someone claiming to be Matthew Israel (the founder and man in charge at Judge Rotenberg) left this comment on my last post:

Ms. Gonnerman’s article “School of Shock,” which appears in the September/October issue of the Mother Jones magazine, is an entirely one-sided and biased account of the court- and parent-approved behavior modification therapy used at the Judge Rotenberg Center to successfully treat, without drugs, severe (sometimes life-threatening) behavior problems of children and young adults with special needs that have not responded to any other form of treatment. For readers who would like to hear the other side of this story, please see this.


Well, I read it. I encourage you to do the same. Everyone deserves the full story. And, when you are done reading it, I look forward to finding out where you stand on this subject.

I doubt it will change your mind about whether or not children should be hooked up to shocking machines. Who knows though. There are still folks out there who sings W's praises after all he's done. This world is pretty batshit crazy.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

If you enjoy being pissed off, read this post.

I got my first Mother Jones in the mail on Friday. The cover story is about this school in Massachusetts for autistic, mentally retarded and emotionally troubled kids. It's called the Judge Rotenberg Educational Center. You can read about it here or just go pick up the latest issue of Mother Jones.

Please sit down. I want you to be mentally and physically prepared for what you are about to read. Do it!


More than half of these kids are hooked up to electrodes which the staff uses to administer a 2 second shock anytime they do something "wrong". They have to wear a backpack containing the device and its batteries 24 hours a day. Even when they are fucking showering. And when they are sleeping, the backpack remains right by their side. Some of these kids have been wearing these devices for years. Like more than 5.

I really wanted to write up a very in depth review of the story. But as I'm typing this, I just fucking cant. I want to slit someones throat.

This is fucking torture. They fucking shock these kids. Painful fucking shocks. Like they are animals or something. If this was being done to prisoners it would be called what it is.

The only reason this school is still around is because of connections to senators and whatnot that keep them protected. And here is the kicker: This "school" is kept running through our fucking tax dollars.

I just cant type anymore.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Office: U.K. v U.S.






As a lifelong citizen of the United States of America I have a unique perspective of this ball made of dirt and water flying through space and time at a zillion miles per second that we live on. (I apologize for the length of the previous sentence and its rambling nature)
  • Any race of people which don't require sun block are automatically inferior and less civilized than us.
  • God is on our side and our side only in every war. That includes ones that we start.
  • As far as television shows are concerned, we hand the world its ass.

There seems to be two types of folks in this world: Those that regard the U.S. version of The Office as not only superior to the U.K. version but also as one of the greatest television shows in history, and those which are worthless baggies of human excrement who don't deserve the iPods Jesus died on the cross to give them.


There are several reason why someone might be deranged enough to say such a thing.

  • They have never seen the U.S. version
  • They don't have air conditioning.
  • They are deaf and blind.
  • They are being held hostage and they have been told that unless they say the U.K. version is better their kids will be eaten by cannibals.
  • They have lead poisoning.

How I usually get people to agree with me is to beat them upon the face with my fists. However, since you are there and I am here (unless I am watching you read this, in which case prepare for a smack) so the only thing I can do is present the facts:

  • Pam is hotter than Dawn. Barely.






  • Even though Tim is a better name, Jim makes the funnier faces.
  • Michael Scott is a douche. David Brent is most likely a child rapist.
  • Better character development.
  • You don't need and English to English dictionary. Unless you live in England, in which case, I don't care.






It's science.








Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Bridge



Sunday night I watched the documentary "The Bridge" directed by Kevin Steele. For an entire year Steele and his crew which he gathered from postings on Craigslist filmed the Golden Gate Bridge. Their intent was to catch people jumping on film. They did just that.

In 2004, 24 people choose to end their lives by jumping off that bridge. There was at least one each month. It's the most popular place in the world for people to willingly end their lives. It was an amazing documentary. It wasn't gross or disturbing. It was just very, very moving.

This picture to the left was from the movie. It was taken by a photographer who was just getting some snaps of the bridge and Alcatraz. While doing this he noticed this woman climbing over the rail. He started taking pictures of her. Then he realized what she was about to do. He put aside his camera and leaned over the rail to grab hold of her jacket. He pulled her to safety. Which you can see from the footage the filmmakers got.

The sad part about this is that it's the exception to the rule. As you can see from the film most people just walk by and don't even notice there is anyone sitting on the rail. Or if they do, they just don't care. I believe if more of us would leave our bubble of self pity and hatred and fear, we could do some more jacket grabbing. Maybe we could even save someone. Maybe even ourselves.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Various Clicks And Whurs Signaling Our Demise

Sometimes I'm just not funny. Scratch that. I'm not funny most of the time. However, there is a good reason for this:

My life contains almost no drama.

I have realized that most good comedy comes from drama of some sort. "Guess what this douchbag did today" or "My girlfriends friends are such bitches" or some other such mundane crap are just not feelings that I feel. Call me heartless. Call me a robot. Fuck that! I hate fucking robots! Don't call me a fucking robot.

Yeah, I get pretty angry about the world and sometimes when I notice someone doing something insane it makes me want to smack them in the mouth but I have a hard time turning those priceless comedy fertile moments into actual giggles.

Wait.

Maybe it is just because I'm not funny. Maybe.

On a totally different note, Tuesday was Pakistan's 60th birthday. I made them a card. It took me several sweaty minutes to slap this together. Is there anything better in the world than a homespun birthday card? Yes.





Monday, August 6, 2007

The Greatest Night Of My Life???

Michelle took me out for some sushi tonight. FUCK!!! That is sooooo awesome!

Sushi is seriously fucking amazing. If you don't like sushi it is because you are an asshat. True story.

We did some Shawn storytelling. We ate a bunch of jazz. Then when I got home and checked the mail.......

THIS



It's the Dil Chahta Hai soundtrack. I've wanted to own this for years. If you haven't seen this movie then you have not seen the greatest movie ever made, Bollywood or Hollywood. It's freakin amazing. Go now and get it from Netflix.

Go you fucks.

Fucking go.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Holy Moses!

These people just had their 17th child. Fuck me. They have more children than people I know. If it turns out they are christian, I will put a plastic bag over my head until I collapse. Please don't wake me. I long for deaths sweet embrace. Long for it.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The One Where I Talk About My Feelings

I feel lonely. At one point in time it seemed that nothing would break up my group of friends. After all we had been together since high school. Over the past few years things have changed. People have surprised me. They are married with kids. They either live or will soon be living in places with names like Sunnyvale or California. I know it's all part of getting older. It's all part of time. Objects moving through space. Soon my grandmother will be dead. My brother will be who knows where. Somebody stop this crazy ass ride. I want to get off. Seriously.



Sorry if you don't laugh. We can't always be Bill Cosby. Unless we are Bill Cosby. In which case, it would probably get old being Bill Cosby. Pudding.


Don't ask why. Just embrace it. It makes me smile.

Monday, July 30, 2007

The Real "Harry" Blockbuster Of the Summer

Harry Turtledove - Settling Accounts (Book 4): In At The Death

I just got home with this. It wasn't supposed to come out until tomorrow but I guess the people at Barnes & Noble don't give a flying fucktasticle flip about that. That's fine with me.

As soon as I'm finished posting this, it's off to my bed where I will read and read and read and read until I fall asleep.

For those of you not in the know:

This is the 11th and final book in the Timeline - 191 series in which Turtledove ponders what might have happened had the C.S.A. won the Civil War.

Here is what the publisher has to say:

Franklin Roosevelt is the assistant secretary of defense. Thomas Dewey is running for president with a blunt-speaking Missourian named Harry Truman at his side. Britain holds onto its desperate alliance with the USA’s worst enemy, while a holocaust unfolds in Texas. In Harry Turtledove’s compelling, disturbing, and extraordinarily vivid reshaping of American history, a war of secession has triggered a generation of madness. The tipping point has come at last.

The third war in sixty years, this one yet unnamed: a grinding, horrifying series of hostilities and atrocities between two nations sharing the same continent and both calling themselves Americans. At the dawn of 1944, the United States has beaten back a daredevil blitzkrieg from the Confederate States–and a terrible new genie is out of history’s bottle: a bomb that may destroy on a scale never imagined before. In Europe, the new weapon has shattered a stalemate between Germany, England, and Russia. When the trigger is pulled in America, nothing will be the same again.

With visionary brilliance, Harry Turtledove brings to a climactic conclusion his monumental, acclaimed drama of a nation’s tragedy and the men and women who play their roles–with valor, fear, and folly–on history’s greatest stage.

Basically, if you are not a big time history nerd then you would probably not find this any better than eating a table spoon full of butter.

However, I care. A great deal. And now I must go crap my pants.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Anger Ball Speaks or How To Avoid Sexually Transmitted Diseases

It has recently been brought to my attention that I may resemble a fiery ball of hate and resentment and bitterness. I promise, that is not who I am.

I'm just really crestfallen when it come to the world and the humans who seem to be in control of it. The only way I can keep from stepping in front of the frowny train and its load of sadness, worry and self-doubt is to turn my own spiral of unhappiness into salty tears of wretched morbidity for others.

Sorry.

Remember:

Happiness is not a fish that you can catch but herpes is. And you can catch it from a transient named Herbert when he asks you if you can spare some change and instead of doing like you normally do and kicking him until he passes out, you blow him behind the Piggly Wiggly just for shits and giggles.

Watch out for hobos. They will give you herpes.

The End.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

REMINDER: Things Not To Do!


#1 No matter what the masticating masses say, don't let this baby raping demon from the depths of hell, posing as a human, spew his crazy-making-Satan-summoning gibberish within my "listening area".


Sure, I've never actually heard this album.

However, I don't need to shove my cranium up a cows vagina to know it's dark.

Seriously. Big Dog Daddy. Why don't you just cut off my fucking head or poison a plate of tacos, bring them to my home, leave them on my doorstep, then dock and run? Why do you have to keep doing this to us Mr. Keith?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Why I Cry

The folks who know me know there are few things in this world that bring me pleasure. They know one of those things is This American Life.

Those who know me also know there are only a handful of things which make me retreat to a darkened corner and weep like a choir boy who has just spent the evening helping Father Murphy look for his "watch". (This was an anal rape joke. It was also a sharp criticism projected towards the Catholic church, which apparently has no real problem with homosexual males so long as they are ordained ministers and only play hide the penis with the various holes of underage boys) The "hip" people in my life know one of these horrible things is retards.

The reason they scare me so much is because of their well documented abilities.
  1. The ability to lift a Volkswagen over their head.
  2. The ability to read minds.
  3. The ability to instantly turn your blood into silver.
  4. And of course, they can fly.

This last Saturday.

This American Life was about retards!

Needless to say, I spent the whole weekend knocking old people out of their wheelchairs.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Heir To Madness Presale or How My Friend Got A Shameless Plug For Just A Bit Of Hand Action In The Back Of The Dairy Queen


So. My friend Jay has caught the musical bug. Actually he's had it for quite some time. I'm just a bit slow and only recently noticed that he can "play" various musical instruments.

His current project is called Heir to Madness. It's this kinda soft, kinda hard, kinda musical thing. It's quite impressive.

I'm writing a blog about it because I care. I tell you it has nothing to do with the fact that he is paying me $0.13 for every kind word that I type. Nothing.

Basically, I want everyone who reads this to go and pre-order his album "The Citadel".

I know that's only 3 people (including Jay).

If you like his music please tell your mother. If she is dead (like mine) then I don't advise telling her. She wont be interested. Dead people only listen to top 40 radio. It's science.

Honestly, he's kind of a prick. So if you don't want to buy it that's fine as well. I hope this whole "musician" phase passes soon and he gets a real job. He has to learn sooner or later, people don't get to live out their dreams. We only get to look back at them when we are 50 and realize how pathetic we have become. Then we reach for the gun with reckless abandon and end our fucking useless, miserable, wasted lives.

I hate him. He rapes babies. I don't know if I ever told y'all that. True story. Don't worry, they are already dead. They don't feel anything.

Oh muffins! I think I may have gotten off subject there for a sec. Back to the pre-order thingy.

Here is a banner. If you think it is pretty please copy and paste it into any website you may have access to. I love you. Jay loves you. Jesus doesn't.













Friday, July 20, 2007

What We've Lost In The Melee of The Harry Potter Hype

While all those 12 year olds are out there at midnight tonight clamouring for the latest edition of this romp through young adulthood, let's try and remember the most important thing.

J.K. Rowling has boobs!


Yes this is a crappy picture. But man, look at those things. All out there for us to
(G)oogle.

Aces.

I'm Trapped Inside A Glass Pickle Of Emotions

I want to make fun of my friends. Not in that cute, playful way that we do when we are around each other. No. I want to talk about them like I do about mentally challenged baggage clerks (which Kroger seems to have some sort of guilt about, which is the only reason I can think of for them letting those drooling, shouting, crippled monkeys touch my food).

As much as I want this for myself, I can't. They all* read my blog. Even if I didn't give away their names they would all know who I was talking about. Then I would get some angry phone call: "Fuck you Tim. I hope you get locked in a room with 50 mongoloids. Then I hope they beat you. Using their Herculean like retard strength to rip your flabby limbs from your torso. Then they will probably start gnawing on them. I mean shit, they are retarded. What do you expect?"

*Yeah that's right. All three of them.

My friends would make good fodder for this lame ass, unfunny blog of mine. I mean they are super freaking dumb. Like a fucking bag of dumb hammers (Don't worry, I'm not talking about you).

Oh how I hate them for their crimes against lucid thought. Stupid crackers.

Retards!

This post reminds me of christians. What with all the talk of "slow" individuals who should be put down (killed) at birth.

It has been brought to my attention recently that I may have a problem with Jesus people. True story. I do. They do not make this world a better place. They are a blight on the universe. I'm not saying any other religion is better. I'm just commenting on the goons I'm surrounded by.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

What Does The World Look Like From Inside A Uterus?

This site is pretty interesting. Is it funny? Is it profound? Is it real?

Maybe.

The Unborn Blogger

When I Get Home I'm Going To Use The Internet (because I can)


My Internet was fixed last night. I can't wait to get home to play with it.
Does it really matter what I'm going to do? No.

I may just look up Bible quotations all night. Or perhaps I'll go to Amazon and listen to 30 second clips of song I already own. Maybe I'll use GoogleEarth to finally find out where this so called "Iraq" is. Maybe I'll use Wikipedia to read all about the rich cultural history of Minnesota (Does it really have 10,000 lakes? Ask me tomorrow.)

Maybe I'll sign on and then off again of Yahoo messenger just so I can see that, yes, my Internet truly does still work.

Any of these things would be a complete waste of my valuable, precious, gorgeous time. This doesn't matter. I'm gonna do them.

Because I can.




So eff off.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

July 18th.....1863!


In all seriousness. Today is the 144th anniversary of the 54th Massachusetts' spearhead assault on Fort Wagner, Charleston, South Carolina.

For those of you who have never seen Glory, the 54th was the first formal African American military unit.

Led by Robert Gould Shaw, they led the assault to take Fort Wagner (which the Union never did). Out of 600 men, 172 were either killed, wounded or captured.

Sergeant William Harvey Carney was awarded the Medal of Honor, for grabbing the US flag as the flag bearer fell, carrying the flag to the enemy ramparts and back, and saying "Boys, the old flag never touched the ground!" While other African-Americans had since been granted the award, Carney's is the earliest action for which the Medal of Honor was awarded to an African-American.

Since the first time I saw Glory it has been one of my favorite movies. Their story is an incredibly important one to tell. If you haven't seen it I hope you will take the time to do it soon.


Note:
***I ganked my info and even whole sentences from Wikipedia***

Monday, July 16, 2007

House (Apartment) Party 2: The Pajama Jam!


There was a party in honor of me slipping out of my mother's womb. I'm not going to bore you with the minor details here. Let's just skip to the juicy parts.



  1. There was a party.

  2. My closest companions where there.

  3. Alcohol may or may not have been imbibed.

  4. There were a few people I didn't expect to see which made me giddy.

  5. Cake was served.

  6. Cake was eaten.

  7. Cake was smeared on most items in my apartment.

  8. The laundry room door was shattered into several pieces by a marauding band of gypsies. (Yes, that happened)

  9. Hot chicks got (almost) naked in my room. Then they got wet.


As you can see, my 27th wasn't so bad. I didn't even vomit. I didn't get a birthday blow job, but I did get a birthday kiss. Then of course I completed the transaction in my trousers.


In closing, it was the best (and hottest) night of my life.


I don't get out much.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Keith Olbermann Lays Down Some Smack On Dubya

If you have about 10 minutes, watch this! If you would freely vote for Bush knowing what we know now, don't.





Wednesday, July 11, 2007

A New Look! & How I Was Molested By An African With His Meat Stick!

I'm feeling frisky today.

NPR is blaring in my ears. My back is pain free (almost) and I was molested by this African guy at my work. Let me explain.

I was in the break room innocently washing my apple when some anonymous lady yells out at the top of her lungs, in a wholly dejected tone, "HOLY SHIT NUGGETS I JUST BOUGHT SOME MEAT STICK!!!" African dude was there warming his coffee in the microwave (Apparently his coffee is not ready unless the molecules have been rearranged a bit). He quickly exclaims how he will take this unwanted meat stick off her hands as he knows of a certain fellow who would not mind some free processed dead animal. He then proceeds to try and put the meat stick into my pocket.

Holy Jesus I was petrified. I mean yeah, I wanted the meat stick. Anyone who knows me knows I love all products that you can purchase at a middle of nowhere gas station. Anyone who knows me also knows that I certainly don't mind the soft touches of a balding, thick bespectacled African man.

The problem that I truly had was this bastard didn't even have the common courtesy to ask me if I wanted his giant, manly, black hands near my crotchel region.

What is this world coming to when one person can't muster the courage to say the following words: "Hey man, I'm gonna put this meat into your pocket. I understand how pants work. I know by putting my hand into your pocket this meat and I will be closer to your junkeg than anyone has been for a bit. Do you mind?"

In closing, I didn't take the meat. Dammit. Why didn't I take the meat.

Also, I hope you like the new, brighter look of my blog.

Also, as soon as I can figure out how, I will be posting a poll on my blog. Weeee!

Friday, July 6, 2007

YOWZA!!!

I can't believe I have gone almost a month without having some sort of nonsensical rant about some sort of nonsensical thing.

The last time I blogged it was exactly one month till I turned 27. Now it's 9 days. Also, other than whining about how old the earth spinning around the sun has made me, you didn't learn one damn thing. I promise, this time you will.

  1. Transformers is one of the greatest movies ever made. Sure it was a bit cheesy. Sure it had some gay ass love story. I'm glad there were some faults with it. If it didn't have any I'm pretty sure my head would have exploded into a shitstorm of flesh and hair and bone. And confetti. (I think we all know confetti comes out when your head explodes don't we)
  2. Today there are a couple of celebrity birthdays. One is our fearless leader in Washington, George Walker Bush. The other, the Dali Lama. I'm not sure of the spelling on that and frankly I don't give a shit. Get over it.
  3. Time Warner Cable are a bunch of dickheads. I hope they get mugged. Then raped. Then shat on.

I guess that's all for now. I'm not feeling particularly funny right now. In fact, I think I may go kick over a hobo's shopping cart. Fucking hobos.

Friday, June 15, 2007

How Did I Get As This Old?

In exactly 30 days I will turn 27. I know. That's not that old. However. 10 years ago I was 17. I was going to soon be a senior in high school. Back then, I couldn't have even told you what happened a decade before that. Because I was 7.

In three years I will be 30. Not that it means anything. It just seems like a significant number.

Jesus. 27. How did this happen?

If any of you are thinking of anything to get me for my birfday, feel free to get me some mushrooms. I wouldn't mind a good trip in my future.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

The Obama Illusion: Presidential Ambitions From The Start

I just read this very interesting article from the February issue of Z Magazine.

I'm not gonna waste your time trying to break it down for you.

Read it for yourself here.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Why I Love Outsourcing

I spend way to much time on the internet looking at porn.
My internet is broken.
As long as I have no idea what they are saying and conversely they have no idea what I'm
saying, my internet problem will never be solved.
As long as it's not working, I can find time to do more important things like:
  • Read books
  • Watch reality shows
  • Bake cakes
  • "Bond" with Carter
  • Clean
  • Get a little "crafty"
  • Ponder the meaning of life

Thank God for outsourcing. And thank God for Indians. The real Indians.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Chris Hedges Is Tha Bomb


Not only did he write this book, he is also featured on one of Heir To Madness' songs.

I hope he does guys.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Our President Is An Effing Joke


I'm listening to the press conference. He sounds like a befuddled 10 year old boy up there trying to answer these questions. Also, I wonder why no one ever calls him on his serious bull crud to his face.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Trains, Buses and Civic Dutymobiles

Boomtime, Discord 64, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

Here are some of the things I did on Wednesday:



I rode the train for the first time. These folks seriously would not shut up about their stupid card game. Who knew minorities read the paper.


I rode the bus for the first time. One thought and one thought only kept running through my mind as I boarded this bus. Where did all the minorities from the train go?


I had jury duty. I served. I was the foreman. I laid down my mighty meat clever of justice. Pauly Shore was there. He kept touching my behind.


I kicked a hobo to death.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Bright Eyes, Oakley Hall and Mcarthy Trenching, 5/11/2007, Palladium Ballroom, Dallas, Texas: A Review or My First Epic Blog Since My Last Epic Blog

Prickle-Prickle, Discord 61, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173





OK. So first things first. I'm not 25 feet tall. Nor am I a gifted photographer. Nor do I even own a camera. I stole, um, er........ borrowed these pics from some website. Basically it looked the same.

I went into this show with/and being a fairly new Bright Eyes fan because of Lindsay. I came out with soiled trousers and a brand new man crush.

The night started out with a couple of observations:
  • #1. If a ticket says the show starts at 7:30, the show really starts at 9:15.
  • #2. I am old. Not old in the traditional gumming-my-food-drooling-on-myself-pooping-my-pants- screaming-at-kids-as-they-run-across-my-yard-whilst-playing- a-hotly-contested-game-of-stickball-generally-creeping-out- my-great-grandkids-with-my-waaaaay-to-long-hugs-pats-on -the-ass-and-sloppy-old-spice-laden-kisses kind. No. No not that kind at all. More of a "JESUS HERBERT CHRIST LOOK AT ALL THESE DAMN KIDS AND WHEN THE HELL DID KIDS START CARRYING CELL PHONES AND WHEN DID THESE DAMN KIDS START DRESSING LIKE THAT AND WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BEHAVE AND I KNOW I DIDN'T ACT LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS A KID" kind.
Once the show started I tried to forget about all that jazz. The opening act was a band from Omaha, Nebraska (which is of course where Connor Oberst and Bright Eyes are from) called McCarthy Trenching. However, try as we may, we could not make out the name of the band no matter how many times it was said by various persons on stage throughout the night.

At first I thought they were pretty good and I wanted to buy their album. Then it appeared they were pretty much playing the same song over and over just with different themes and introductions such as: "this is a song about the west" or "this is a song about cowboys" or "this is a song about crickets" or "this is a song about spaghetti" or "this is a song about how I think of touching little boys but I don't. My reasons for not going through with my sick, sick primal boy rape desires is that I don't want to make baby Jesus cry". You know, the usual.

Next up was a joyous family bandish hodge podge of musical delight. They went by the moniker of Oakley Hall. They were brilliant. It was like countryish, rockish, folkish.....stuff. They put on a great show. They are my new favorite band.

Before I tell you about Bright Eyes, I would like to tell you about a weird Phenomenon/Crisis which has hefted itself upon us. It is in these dire times, when live music in Dallas is just barely hanging on by a limp noodle of an appendage, that the giants living amongst us have decided to pounce and destroy our rock show experiences with their 6ft 5in demonry. I mean seriously folks, where in the biscuit tossing world did all these tall people come from. I had to stand on Lindsay's shoulders just so I could get a fleeting glimpse of what I thought was a musical performance going on in front of us all. It was like camping. It was in tents.

Anyhoo.

Bright Eyes. The main attraction. I don't want to go on and on and on and on about how amazing it was. Although it was. I don't want to drool all over my computer and pants just thinking about how incredibly stupendous it was. Although I am. There were about 14-15 people on stage most of the time. 3 drummers. A couple of cellists. Flautist. Saxophonist. Keyboards. Guitar. Bass. Violin. And various other multi-talented musicians. They had a guy in the back making art with various objects and then projecting them onto a screen behind the band. He was doing it live. It was fairly interesting.

They ended the show with what seemed like a 10 minute version of "Road to Joy", which from the first time I heard it has been my favorite tune in the very extensive Bright Eyes catalogue. However, to say they ended with that song is not telling the whole story. They actually ended the show with noise and a bit of violence. Just as I thought Mr. Oberst was taking off his guitar off to smash it into a million musically useless fragments he freaking hands it to the audience. Just hands it off. Can you believe that. That guy must be mentally retarded. He then proceeded to rip apart the setup on stage. He through some flowers at the audience. He kicked over some percussion jazz. It was great. Not something I agree with doing but something I seriously love watching.

Then, as we were leaving the venue. Lindsay was having a bit of a hard time getting out of her parking space because people (at times) can be bitches. So, she just backed right into somebody. I was like "HOLY SHIT LINDSAY, CALM THE FUCK DOWN"! Then she slapped me in the face. She told me she had no problem backing over my legs and then kicking me in the twig and giggle berries. Then, when some lady had a problem with her driving. Lindsay made me piss on her and her kids. It was very scary. Never in my life have I been so frightened. In fact. I'm still frightened. I hope she doesn't read this and get pissed and then travel to my apartment and douse me in gasoline and set me on fire and then laugh while I melt. I hope not.

(there may have been some writers discretion used on that last little bit)

Shopping With The Carter

Pungenday, Discord 60, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173


I can't believe they sell this stuff at Kroger. I mean damn, you don't even have to work for it. It's just there for you to buy. BADASS!!!

Also, it was right next to the pink salmon. AMAZING!!!

Friday, May 11, 2007

"They Crawl From The Ocean To Paint In The Caves, But I'm Workin All Weekend I Need To Get Paid"

I have lived like a rock star this last week. Honestly, I'm sick of it. I can't wait to get back to my old boring life where I just sit at home and try to think up ridiculous crap to say in a blog that has no purpose.

  • Monday - Spiderman 3
  • Tuesday - Fox & Hound for a Black Forest and some Pear Cider
  • Wednesday - Amateur night at Hyena's where some guy totally stole my bit about humping my Grandmother.
  • Thursday - Modest Mouse (where I saw the most original band every in the history of sound, Man Man)
  • Friday - Bright Eyes tonight with a friend I've been trying not to actually see in person for quite some time now.

I don't have anything funny to say. I just wanted y'all to know how much cooler I am than you.

By the way. Carter has his own site now. That's why there is no more According to Carter. It's right here.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Spiderman 3 Starring: Thomas Haden Church as Sandman, Topher Grace as Venom and Bruce Campbell as Maître d’

Pungeday, Discord 55, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

So yeah, I can now join the ranks of humans who have seen the new Spiderperson movie (trying to be politically correct).

If you compare it to previous Spiderperson movies it blows disgruntled goats. However, it was definitely better than watching a Care Bear marathon while my grandmother sits naked in my lap eating butter with her hands.

!!!!!SPOILER WARNING!!!!!

They kill Venom. That's dumb. He is the best Spidey villian. I hope Sam Raimi has a heart attack.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

The Rare Weekend Post or If You Wanna Be With Me You Gotta Get With My Friends

Season of Discord 53, Sweetmorn - 3173
(from now on, for your convenience, all dates will be converted into the Paratheo-Anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric calender dates. Thank you for your cooperation)

I know many of you have thought about this. You have stayed up late at night wondering "how can I convince Tim to be with me and not all those other adoring fans that clamour over him like salted pork at a fat farm?" Well wait no more for the cosmos to dribble its knowledge into your waiting pineal gland.

If you wanna get with me, you have to have these qualifications:
  • You have to be more attractive than me. I know this sounds simple but you have no idea how many marriage requests I get from bearded women smeared in spoiled apple butter.
  • You have to be able to name at the drop of the hat these people: The President of the U.S.A., the Vice President, the Speaker of the House, the Governor of your state, the Lieutenant Governor of your state, both of your U.S. Senators, your U.S. Representative, Your state Senator, your state Representative, the mayor of your city, the President of your local school board and local P.T.A., your neighbors on both sides of you and directly across the street from you, the person who wrote the Principia Discordia and the King of Sweden
  • You must not watch: American Idol, America's Next Top Model or any other incredibly mind draining, soul numbing "reality" television show,
  • You must not listen to anything currently playing on a top 40 radio station. Notice: this is cyclical and as soon as something is no longer considered "popular" you are free to resume listening to this music as it is no longer in league with The Dark Prince.
  • You have to know who Terri Gross is and who her last guest was.
  • You must read. Books. Well. And be able to demonstrate this ability upon request. Tests will be given.
  • You must not, I repeat, MUST NOT be aligned with any, I repeat, ANY religion. Just because your parents did it doesn't give you the right to poison your mind with that dividing, hateful, fear mongering nonsense.
  • You must be willing to sit alone in a dark room and listen to "The Music That Died Alone" by The Tangent. When I ask you how you felt about it you must respond "it was the most amazing thing ever. Seriously. Ever. I'm actually crying. And I'm pretty sure I peed a bit". Here is a picture of this album to help you on your quest to find it so you can get cozy with it before our meeting.


If you meet and or exceed these qualifications you will be granted an interview with me about joining me in union. Instructions for how to handle the interview process will be uploaded to this site at a later date when time/space/continuum constrictions allow.

Peace.

HAIL ERIS!

FIVE TONS OF FLAX!

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Giving Immigrants A Path To Citizenship

Before you read this blog, consider this: Just because slavery was legal, did not make it right.

After the U.S. abolished slavery, no one seriously thought former slaves should be held criminally responsible for breaking the law by running away from their masters when slavery was still the law of the land.

I recommend we look at illegal immigration in the same light. We have a seriously jacked up immigration system. It can take more than a decade to get the green light for moving into this country. That is ridiculous.

Yes these people did come here illegally. Yes they are breaking the law in many ways by staying here. Forged documentation, not paying taxes, etc.

Their country is a total crap basket. All these people want is a good life. Where they can bring their families and let them have a future.

As long as they are peaceful and plan on contributing to our society and our economy, there is no reason we can't let them come.

Our laws are the reason these people are criminals. Not their actions. There is a difference.

Therefore, I see nothing wrong with allowing those already in this country to get a path to citizenship.

It's obvious to me, the real reason for the anti-immigration fervor is racism.

I hope this blog made sense. I wrote it kinda fast.

I also hope that if you don't agree with me that you will kill yourself. Thanks.

My Beard As A Topic Of Conversation

It's not a new thing.

For the past 7 years, give or take a few months here and there for my clean shaven, Mormon like appearance, I have had hair growing on my face in some fashion. And at least once a week since I started my hairy endeavor, someone has made it a topic of conversation.

Especially in elevators. Especially in elevators.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

I'm Pretty Awesome

Busy, busy, busy.

That was me this weekend.

A couple of things happened of great importance.

#1
I moved to north Arlington. So I could be closer to Guitar Center. So I could go in at any time and caress the sweet, sweet Access Virus TI with my nipples.

#2
I was on the news. Yes, that's right, unlike you, I was on the news. My thoughts on the very important topics that touch and shape our world were in great demand. They had to feel my feelings. With their hearts. With their minds. With their souls.

So, in summary: I'm better than you.

Sorry.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Eight Is Enough or Edwards/Kucinich '08!

Gravel, Obama, Dodd, Edwards, Kucinich, Biden, Richardson, Clinton


Well, I just watched the very first Democratic presidential debate of this election cycle.

I decided just before it started to grade them. I gave each of them a point for a question they answered "correctly". I didn't have to agree with them. They just had to make sense. And they had to come at least somewhat close to answering the question queried them. My results are as follows:
  • Fmr. Sen. John Edwards [7pts] He's not just a smooth talker. He seems to have some real ideas. He may not be the pretty-rich-boy-wanna-be-President I thought he was.
  • Rep. Dennis Kucinich [6pts] What he lacks in charm, he more than makes up for with straight talk about the issues. He is by far my favorite candidate. Which is why I think the best lineup for President would be Edwards/Kucinich in 2008. Edwards for the voice. Kucinich for the plan.
  • Sen. Barack Obama [5pts] He spent about half of his time bobbing and weaving and trying not to answer questions directly. One sure fire way to not get my vote. However he also made sense half of the time. This man will most likely end up at lest being second on the Democratic ticket.
  • Sen. Chris Dodd [4pts] Honestly, I don't think they called on him enough. I think he may have actually answered a few questions. After seeing him on The Daily Show I assumed he was just another old white man vying for the job. I can see I was wrong. Not wrong enough to vote for him though.
  • Sen. Joe Biden [4pts] This guy looks like a President. However, he talks like one to. That is not a good thing
  • Sen. Hillary Clinton [3pts] She was the biggest dodger of them all. She is so standard issue politician that it makes me sick. How in the crap can this woman be the front runner?
  • Gov. Bill Richardson [2pts] This guy was the biggest disappointment to me. After seeing him as well on The Daily Show, I really was pulling for this guy. He really seems to have the experience and no how necessary to be an effective President. He just stumbled and sweat the whole time. Maybe he's just not good in front of crowds.
  • Fmr. Sen. Mike Gravel Who the hell is this guy? Seriously. Never heard of him. After seeing his performance I can see why. He just seems angry. Angry about everything. Maybe he has IBS. After every question, he would just start screaming about the Bush administration or nukes or how crappy the other people on stage were. I'm not giving him any points. Instead, I'm going to give him the honorary award of "MOST ENTHUSIASTIC AND/OR MOST HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS (DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT HE REALLY WAS ON GOOFBALLS)"
All in all it was very exciting. So far three of them get my vote for the next President. Kucinich, Obama and Edwards. Yes I know we can't have three Presidents but It's still only 2007 for Jesus' sake. You can't expect me to decide yet.

It truly is a shame that Kucinich really has no chance. He is the only one with the balls to say what is on his mind.

Now I'm going to go masturbate with sandpaper while I watch reruns of Golden Girls.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Kennedale, I Hardly Knew Thee

I'm moving this weekend. The third time is the charm, right?

My new neighborhood brings with it many charms.

  • Chipotle (it's no Freebird's, but it will do).
  • Dave and Kate
  • A golf course
  • Strangers
  • A pawn shop
  • Hills
  • Minorities

My next move will be a bit different. I want to live in Sweden. Maybe Canada will do but I'm shooting for Sweden. Did you know they have a king? King Carl XVI Gustaf. They have a Parliament based on Proportional Representation. They care about the environment. They are almost completely liberal. Overall it seems like a pretty dreamy place to make a life.

Basically, this country is fucked. It's going down the shittube pretty damn quick. The christians are taking over. Within a generation we will be living in a totalitarian state. The only way around it; revolution. And I don't feel like being shot at.

In other news

Some lady flipped the bird to Carter and I on the way to work on Tuesday. She didn't just flip it. She held it. We suppose it was because Carter didn't use his blinker whilst merging. I'm pretty sure she kept the bird flying proudly for at least 1.6 miles. It was rather amusing. She was hardcore committed.

I wish we could see more commitment like that in other aspects of our society.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Lovely Lady Hump Day Excursion

Wednesday I went to my first amateur night at Hyena's Comedy Club. I didn't perform. It may be quite some time till I have enough gumption for that. I'm gonna start going every Wednesday. Eventually, I just may get on stage.

My only question: Should my first bit be about raping 1) babies or 2) midgets? Input required.

According To Carter II

At the beginning of the week He had a nice streamline beard going. He does not now. If you imagine him with a beard, stroking it, it makes him seem more professorlly. Anyhoo, he said this when asked about his current thoughts on cubicle to cubicle relations:


"The average level of intelligence is always lower than you expect. And that's just sad."

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Pomp And Circumstance

Mandy graduated on Saturday. She made us go. It was not exactly what I would call a hoot. However, it was fun to see Mandy finally doing something with her life. She has been a life sucking leech on us all for far to long.

It was in a church. So of course, my skin burned the entire time. And my eyes. And my genitals. And my soul. This church was very large. They had a catwalk up in the ceiling. Lights, speakers, stadium seating and the thing that no modern Jesus Facility can be complete without: Electric curtains that close with the push of one little Jesusy button.

What many people don't know is that the curtain button is right next to the "tithe" button. Whoever is running that bitch has to be very careful not to let out the "tithing monkeys". The last thing anyone wants is flesh eating "tithing monkeys" descending on the crowd of gathered believers during the most dramatic part of the great christian play, "I Don't Need To Make Arguments That Make Logical Sense, I Have The Bible And The Bible Is True And I Know Bible Is True Because It Says So Right There In The Bible That The Bible Is True And Since The Bible Is True Then It Must Be The Truth That The Bible Is True". (It's a love story)

There was a lady seated to my right eating pork rinds the entire time. I was totally flabbergasted that someone would bring pork rinds to a graduation. (Actually I was upset because she never offered us any, that whore). I mean, popcorn I get, but pork rinds. Doesn't she know they make your farts smell like bacon. And when someone smells bacon fart, they of course will know who dealt it. Just as I was turning to exclaim to everyone about the smelly whorish pork rind hoarder, the pork rind "guy" came bustling down the aisle, tossing pork rinds and peanuts and foam Jesus fingers to anyone willing to shell out the $7 a pop.

Here is the reason I'm so happy Mandy is now a Medical Assistant: If I stop breathing, she can perform CPR which means she will have to put her lips to mine.

Or I will die.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Imus Update.........and.....According To Carter.....

They fired him. They fucking fired him.

Seriously, this makes me want to strangle a midget while punching a baby.

This does not bode well for our future as a society. We are doomed to eternal damnation.

In the now infamous words of Jay "I hate most things on this planet" Wiscarson: "We're Fucked!"

The top 2 news stories this week are who be da baby daddy of that dead chick and some old white guy having a serious brain fart while on public airwaves.

Wasn't there a war? Did I dream that?

ALSO........

Carter. He is a phenomenon. You can't walk down the busy streets of New York without hearing some homeless guy say something like this: "Carter"

I've decided every week to post here on my blog, a nice little nugget of info or humor from this mastermind behind the whole "Carterization" movement. If you don't know what that means, you soon will.

According To Carter I

90% of the things that can go wrong in an elevator will make it shoot up. Not down.



Ya'll have a good weekend and I'll be waiting here until Monday. Peace.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Kurt Vonnegut Dies At Age 84


My most beloved of authors. I take much of my sense of humor today from this man. He was a great American genius. Dare I say, a great world genius. Now he is gone. If you have never read him, start now. He will be missed. Below you will find the Associated Press story. Also, I promise more humorous blogs in the near future. So it goes.

Tim


NEW YORK - In books such as "Slaughterhouse-Five," "Cat's Cradle," and "Hocus Pocus," Kurt Vonnegut mixed the bitter and funny with a touch of the profound.

Vonnegut, regarded by many critics as a key influence in shaping 20th-century American literature, died Wednesday at 84. He had suffered brain injuries after a recent fall at his Manhattan home, said his wife, photographer Jill Krementz.

Vonnegut's more than a dozen books, short stories, essays and plays contained elements of social commentary, science fiction and autobiography.

"He was sort of like nobody else," said fellow author Gore Vidal. "Kurt was never dull."
A self-described religious skeptic and freethinking humanist, Vonnegut used protagonists such as Billy Pilgrim and Eliot Rosewater as transparent vehicles for his points of view.
He lectured regularly, exhorting audiences to think for themselves and delighting in barbed commentary against the institutions he felt were dehumanizing people.

"He was a man who combined a wicked sense of humor and sort of steady moral compass, who was always sort of looking at the big picture of the things that were most important," said Joel Bleifuss, editor of In These Times, a liberal magazine based in Chicago that featured Vonnegut articles.

Some of Vonnegut's books were banned and burned for suspected obscenity. He took on censorship as an active member of the PEN writers' aid group and the
American Civil Liberties. The American Humanist Association, which promotes individual freedom, rational thought and scientific skepticism, made him its honorary president.

Vonnegut said the villains in his books were never individuals, but culture, society and history, which he said were making a mess of the planet.

"I like to say that the 51st state is the state of denial," he told The Associated Press in 2005. "It's as though a huge comet were heading for us and nobody wants to talk about it. We're just about to run out of petroleum and there's nothing to replace it."

Despite his commercial success, Vonnegut battled depression throughout his life, and in 1984, he attempted suicide with pills and alcohol, joking later about how he botched the job.

"I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations," Vonnegut, whose watery, heavy-lidded eyes and unruly hair made him seem to be in existential pain, once told a gathering of psychiatrists.

Vonnegut was born on Nov. 11, 1922, in Indianapolis, and studied chemistry at Cornell University before joining the Army. His mother killed herself just before he left for Germany during World War II, where he was quickly taken prisoner during the Battle of the Bulge. He was being held in Dresden when Allied bombs firebombed the city.

"The firebombing of Dresden explains absolutely nothing about why I write what I write and am what I am," Vonnegut wrote in "Fates Worse Than Death," his 1991 autobiography of sorts.
But he spent 23 years struggling to write about the ordeal, which he survived by huddling with other POW's inside an underground meat locker labeled slaughterhouse-five.

The novel that emerged, in which Pvt. Pilgrim is transported from Dresden by time-traveling aliens, was published at the height of the Vietnam War, and solidified his reputation as an iconoclast.

After World War II, he reported for Chicago's City News Bureau, then did public relations for General Electric, a job he loathed. He wrote his first novel, "Player Piano," in 1951, followed by "The Sirens of Titan," "Canary in a Cat House" and "Mother Night," making ends meet by selling Saabs on Cape Cod.

Critics ignored him at first, then denigrated his deliberately bizarre stories and disjointed plots as haphazardly written science fiction. But his novels became cult classics, especially "Cat's Cradle" in 1963, in which scientists create "ice-nine," a crystal that turns water solid and destroys the earth.

He retired from novel writing in his later years, but continued to publish short articles. He had a best-seller in 2005 with "A Man Without a Country," a collection of his nonfiction, including jabs at the Bush administration ("upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography") and the uncertain future of the planet.

He called the book's success "a nice glass of champagne at the end of a life."

Vonnegut, who had homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons in New York, adopted his sister's three young children after she died. He also had three children of his own with his first wife, Jane Marie Cox, and later adopted a daughter, Lily, with his second wife, Krementz.

Vonnegut once said that of all the ways to die, he'd prefer to go out in an airplane crash on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. He often joked about the difficulties of old age.

"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life; old age is more like a semicolon," Vonnegut told the AP.

"My father, like Hemingway, was a gun nut and was very unhappy late in life. But he was proud of not committing suicide. And I'll do the same, so as not to set a bad example for my children."

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Real Reason We Can't All Get Along

I'm sure by now you've heard. The most devastating thing to happen to our country in the last 20 years. Some old white guy said something stupid. He was trying to be hip and cool and in his efforts he failed. Like most old white guys trying to speak like those damn kids do today, he made himself look like a douche. A fucking douche.

Here is what should have happened: Everyone (not just the black community) hears this douche and says this "damn look at that damn white guy being a douche." End of story.

Here is what did happen: The black community flipped their gourd. They freaked the fuck out. Something that should have just been no biggie turned into this whole god damned fiasco.

Am I saying what he said was a good thing? Fuck no! I'm just saying if we are ever going to get through racism, we have got to stop making a spectacle out of every misstep that stupid old white men make.

If the black community had anything to say about it at all it should have been this: "Well, there goes another stupid old white douche." And they should have used those words. Because white people should not get offended if someone calls them a douche. Mostly we are.

Maybe it's because I'm white. Maybe it's because I'm a white male. I like to think it's because I'm a smart, level headed, white male douche and I can see that we have bigger fish to fry right now in this world than the stupid shit people say. Maybe some day we will live in a world where people don't say stupid shit. For now, we do.

Fucking deal with it and shut the fuck up.

Then, afterwards, we can have a nice good long hug. All of us.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Scales Always Find A Way To Level Out

I got to go to my grandfather's funeral today. It was not nearly as much fun as it sounds. My dad was there. He tried to talk to me. I stabbed him.

The end.

Monday, April 2, 2007

"My New Found Old Love For Green Day" and/or "The Apocalypse Draws Near" and/or "The Longest Blog You Have Ever Read"



Green Day. Back in my "youth" I was all about them. I stopped that about 9 years ago. I thought I had outgrown them and in some respects I guess I have. However a friend of mine let me rip the Bullet In A Bible live album. It's groovy. These guys says some stuff I can definitely get on board with. I mean the few words I can understand, I agree with. For all I know they are talking about booty sex in between intelligible lyrics. Which of course I am not down with one little bit.

They are not breaking new ground with their music but they are using their art form to get out a message they feel strongly about. I say weeeeeeeeeeeee to that. Of course If they were saying something about how cool Jesusocricy is then I would feel totally different. I'm a complex creature. Leave me be.


In other news, I finally saw An Inconvenient Truth. I've been hearing a lot of gruff lately about how it is mostly lies. How it's just some liberal propaganda to garner votes.

I have two thoughts on that: #1 I love it when the conservative bitches that feed us all this bullshit we accept as "news" and "facts" starts screaming their heads off about how the "liberal media bias" is just using propaganda in order to get votes. Hmmmm, can anyone say "Jesus" or "family values" or "tax cuts" or I don't know, how about:

"I strongly believe he was trying to reconstitute his nuclear weapons program."
or
"We recently found two mobile biological weapons facilities which were capable of producing biological agents."
or
"Here's what -- we've discovered a weapons system, biological labs, that Iraq denied she had, and labs that were prohibited under the U.N. resolutions."
or
"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. You remember when Colin Powell stood up in front of the world, and he said, Iraq has got laboratories, mobile labs to build biological weapons. They're illegal. They're against the United Nations resolutions, and we've so far discovered two. And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them."
or
"The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on September the 11, 2001 -- and still goes on. That terrible morning, 19 evil men -- the shock troops of a hateful ideology -- gave America and the civilized world a glimpse of their ambitions. They imagined, in the words of one terrorist, that September the 11th would be the 'beginning of the end of America.' By seeking to turn our cities into killing fields, terrorists and their allies believed that they could destroy this nation's resolve, and force our retreat from the world. They have failed."
or
"The liberation of Iraq is a crucial advance in the campaign against terror. We've removed an ally of al Qaeda, and cut off a source of terrorist funding. And this much is certain: No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because the regime is no more."
or
"The regime . . . has aided, trained and harbored terrorists, including operatives of al Qaeda. The danger is clear: using chemical, biological or, one day, nuclear weapons, obtained with the help of Iraq, the terrorists could fulfill their stated ambitions and kill thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people in our country, or any other."
or
"He has trained and financed al Qaeda-type organizations before, al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations."
or
"One of the greatest dangers we face is that weapons of mass destruction might be passed to terrorists who would not hesitate to use those weapons. Saddam Hussein has longstanding, direct and continuing ties to terrorist networks. Senior members of Iraq intelligence and al Qaeda have met at least eight times since the early 1990s. Iraq has sent bomb-making and document forgery experts to work with al Qaeda. Iraq has also provided al Qaeda with chemical and biological weapons training. And an al Qaeda operative was sent to Iraq several times in the late 1990s for help in aquiring poisons and gases. We also know that Iraq is harboring a terrorist network headed by a senior al Qaeda terrorist planner."
or
"And the United States, along with a growing coalition of nations, is resolved to take whatever action is necessary to defend ourselves and disarm the Iraqi regime. September the 11th, 2001, the American people saw what terrorists could do by turning four airplanes into weapons. We will not wait to see what terrorists or terrorist states could do with chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons."
or
"And the United States, along with a growing coalition of nations, is resolved to take whatever action is necessary to defend ourselves and disarm the Iraqi regime. September the 11th, 2001, the American people saw what terrorists could do by turning four airplanes into weapons. We will not wait to see what terrorists or terrorist states could do with chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons."
or................................

Seriously there are like hundreds of these I could go on all week.

#2 Let's say for arguments sake that it is just liberal crap to get votes. What exactly would be so wrong with trying to treat the earth better? Why would that be such a negative thing?

I've heard a lot of people saying how he lied. But in the articles I've read, they've basically only been able to say that he is probably exaggerating. I mean they say "the science is still out on this" but to me that sounds a lot like saying "the science is still out on evolution". They offer no credible sources. They offer sources all right, just usually articles written and sponsored by the oil companies and/or the Bush administration.

OK. I didn't intend to sneak a slam on conservatives and Jesusonians into a simple easy going blog about Green Day. However, it's happened. Deal with it.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Several Reasons To Move To The Forest And Say Fuck It

The average full time working human makes $800 less a year than they did in 1977. However, the expense of living (food, shelter, transportation, health care) has gone up over 70%. Both of these figures have been adjusted for inflation.

Meanwhile: Last year, Exxon-Mobile brought home more in profit ($39.5 Billion. That's right, BILLION!) than any other company ever in the history of our known universe. While they were raking in that major freaking dough, we paid all time highs at the pump.

Meanwhile: The credit card industry remains unregulated while they continue to rape us in the tookus.

If an average family went out and spent $5000 on everything they needed to get ready for a baby and put that money on their credit card, then made the minimum monthly payment every month, this is how long it would take them to pay it off: That child will grow up, get married and have their own kids before it's all said and done. About 36 years. And that is if they don't raise the interest rates above the average of 18%.

One in every 7 Americans pay money to a collection agency.

In 2005 Congress passed a law that makes it much tougher for the average American to declare bankruptcy. The lobbyists for the credit card industry are the ones who wrote that law. Literally. FUCKING LITERALLY!

Meanwhile: George Walker Bush is still in office. Richard Cheney is still his vice president. An illegal war is still being waged in a foreign land. A war for money. A war for power. You fucking christians can't really believe these guys were chosen by God to rule over us. You just can't.

They give no thought to our future. All they know is they must grab everything they can with both hands until they hear the DING! And my friends, there doesn't seem to be a Ding! on the horizon. Only more ass raping.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Lesbians!

Does it make me gay that I like the Indigo Girls?

I hope not.

The last thing I want is a Penicular Device in my mouth and/or anoos.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Till the White Wings Of Death Carry You Away.......


So, I married Dave and Kate this last weekend. I was so nervous I had to wear my depends. And yes I did poo my pants. It was a good thing I had them on.

It was a very cool experience. I don't really agree withe the institution of marriage so I found some stuff to say that ran along the lines of what I believe in personally and Dave and Kate liked it.

I read a passage about marriage from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. Part of the quote read: "you will be together until the white wings of death carry you away..." so of course I decided it should best be left out. I figured to myself I could remember to skip over it and need not write in my book thus graffiti-ing an amazing work of art. I didn't. So I started to say that line, stammered and somehow was able to not say those mood unsetting words and carry on. No one seemed to notice.

Carter and Deondra both did an excellent job of performing "Where I Belong". A song that Kate wrote the lyrics to and Carter and Deondra recorded a while back. You can hear it here.

It was actually a lot of fun and I hope in the future when my friends get mewwied they will remember me. That is of course if they aren't up Jesus' ass.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Last Night I Was Attacked By A Bear!!!

I assure you, this did not happen.

However, this did: It was the first episode of "This American Life". I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to use quotes like that for for Jesus' sake I can't remember all these damn literary "rules".

Was it as good as I hoped it would be? Yes.

I was going to write this long breakdown of the show and tell you all about it in great detail. I've decided not to do that. You must see it for yourself. If you go to their website they have all the rerun times on there. Also, you still have time to get Showtime. Do it dammit. Also, I know I misspelled dammit. That's how I like it.

!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!

They just said on my ipod (which means they said it yesterday) Fred Dalton Thomas may very well be taking a shot at the Cracka Crib.

I'm taking this moment to make a prediction. If he does decide to run, he will be the next president of these United States. I guarantee it.

Also, sometime next week I will bring you a breakdown of all the presidential possibles in all parties. So please stay tunes cause I know you are excited about that.

Aslo, how can you expect anyone to take you seriously when you pronounce all your R's with W's? "We have a wheel pwoblem with nucleaw pwolifiwation in Iwan. Wheely. I'm sewious. It's a wheely bad pwoblem".

Have a good weekend. Or not.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

So, I Married Two Axe Murderers

My friend Dave and his fiance Kate are getting married on Saturday and I'm going to be there. Right there. In front of them. In front of everyone. In a suit. Holding some marriage type words in my hand. Speaking about love and friendship. Asking for our lord and saviour Jesus McChrist to bless their holy union. Then. Afterwards. I will be signing a document. This document will more or less bind these two together legally. My name will be on that document. Forever. I feel so important right now.

Why do I feel like it's my first stand-up gig? Only I don't think I'll be making them laugh. I'll be making them cry.

Saturday. Be there or be square. My first marriage. Their first marriage.

Whoopee!