(from now on, for your convenience, all dates will be converted into the Paratheo-Anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric calender dates. Thank you for your cooperation)
I know many of you have thought about this. You have stayed up late at night wondering "how can I convince Tim to be with me and not all those other adoring fans that clamour over him like salted pork at a fat farm?" Well wait no more for the cosmos to dribble its knowledge into your waiting pineal gland.
If you wanna get with me, you have to have these qualifications:
- You have to be more attractive than me. I know this sounds simple but you have no idea how many marriage requests I get from bearded women smeared in spoiled apple butter.
- You have to be able to name at the drop of the hat these people: The President of the U.S.A., the Vice President, the Speaker of the House, the Governor of your state, the Lieutenant Governor of your state, both of your U.S. Senators, your U.S. Representative, Your state Senator, your state Representative, the mayor of your city, the President of your local school board and local P.T.A., your neighbors on both sides of you and directly across the street from you, the person who wrote the Principia Discordia and the King of Sweden
- You must not watch: American Idol, America's Next Top Model or any other incredibly mind draining, soul numbing "reality" television show,
- You must not listen to anything currently playing on a top 40 radio station. Notice: this is cyclical and as soon as something is no longer considered "popular" you are free to resume listening to this music as it is no longer in league with The Dark Prince.
- You have to know who Terri Gross is and who her last guest was.
- You must read. Books. Well. And be able to demonstrate this ability upon request. Tests will be given.
- You must not, I repeat, MUST NOT be aligned with any, I repeat, ANY religion. Just because your parents did it doesn't give you the right to poison your mind with that dividing, hateful, fear mongering nonsense.
- You must be willing to sit alone in a dark room and listen to "The Music That Died Alone" by The Tangent. When I ask you how you felt about it you must respond "it was the most amazing thing ever. Seriously. Ever. I'm actually crying. And I'm pretty sure I peed a bit". Here is a picture of this album to help you on your quest to find it so you can get cozy with it before our meeting.
If you meet and or exceed these qualifications you will be granted an interview with me about joining me in union. Instructions for how to handle the interview process will be uploaded to this site at a later date when time/space/continuum constrictions allow.
Peace.
HAIL ERIS!
FIVE TONS OF FLAX!
1 comment:
what about australia's next top model? that's totally cultural.
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