Eight Is Enough or Edwards/Kucinich '08!

Gravel, Obama, Dodd, Edwards, Kucinich, Biden, Richardson, Clinton


Well, I just watched the very first Democratic presidential debate of this election cycle.

I decided just before it started to grade them. I gave each of them a point for a question they answered "correctly". I didn't have to agree with them. They just had to make sense. And they had to come at least somewhat close to answering the question queried them. My results are as follows:

• Fmr. Sen. John Edwards [7pts] He's not just a smooth talker. He seems to have some real ideas. He may not be the pretty-rich-boy-wanna-be-President I thought he was.
• Rep. Dennis Kucinich [6pts] What he lacks in charm, he more than makes up for with straight talk about the issues. He is by far my favorite candidate. Which is why I think the best lineup for President would be Edwards/Kucinich in 2008. Edwards for the voice. Kucinich for the plan.
• Sen. Barack Obama [5pts] He spent about half of his time bobbing and weaving and trying not to answer questions directly. One sure fire way to not get my vote. However he also made sense half of the time. This man will most likely end up at lest being second on the Democratic ticket.
  
• Sen. Chris Dodd [4pts] Honestly, I don't think they called on him enough. I think he may have actually answered a few questions. After seeing him on The Daily Show I assumed he was just another old white man vying for the job. I can see I was wrong. Not wrong enough to vote for him though.
• Sen. Joe Biden [4pts] This guy looks like a President. However, he talks like one to. That is not a good thing
• Sen. Hillary Clinton [3pts] She was the biggest dodger of them all. She is so standard issue politician that it makes me sick. How in the crap can this woman be the front runner?
• Gov. Bill Richardson [2pts] This guy was the biggest disappointment to me. After seeing him as well on The Daily Show, I really was pulling for this guy. He really seems to have the experience and no how necessary to be an effective President. He just stumbled and sweat the whole time. Maybe he's just not good in front of crowds.
• Fmr. Sen. Mike Gravel Who the hell is this guy? Seriously. Never heard of him. After seeing his performance I can see why. He just seems angry. Angry about everything. Maybe he has IBS. After every question, he would just start screaming about the Bush administration or nukes or how crappy the other people on stage were. I'm not giving him any points. Instead, I'm going to give him the honorary award of "MOST ENTHUSIASTIC AND/OR MOST HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS (DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT HE REALLY WAS ON GOOFBALLS)"

All in all it was very exciting. So far three of them get my vote for the next President. Kucinich, Obama and Edwards. Yes I know we can't have three Presidents but It's still only 2007 for Jesus' sake. You can't expect me to decide yet.

It truly is a shame that Kucinich really has no chance. He is the only one with the balls to say what is on his mind.

Now I'm going to go masturbate with sandpaper while I watch reruns of Golden Girls.

Kennedale, I Hardly Knew Thee

I'm moving this weekend. The third time is the charm, right?

My new neighborhood brings with it many charms.

• Chipotle (it's no Freebird's, but it will do).
• Dave and Kate
• A golf course
• Strangers
• A pawn shop
• Hills
• Minorities

My next move will be a bit different. I want to live in Sweden. Maybe Canada will do but I'm shooting for Sweden. Did you know they have a king? King Carl XVI Gustaf. They have a Parliament based on Proportional Representation. They care about the environment. They are almost completely liberal. Overall it seems like a pretty dreamy place to make a life.

Basically, this country is fucked. It's going down the shittube pretty damn quick. The christians are taking over. Within a generation we will be living in a totalitarian state. The only way around it; revolution. And I don't feel like being shot at.

In other news

Some lady flipped the bird to Carter and I on the way to work on Tuesday. She didn't just flip it. She held it. We suppose it was because Carter didn't use his blinker whilst merging. I'm pretty sure she kept the bird flying proudly for at least 1.6 miles. It was rather amusing. She was hardcore committed.

I wish we could see more commitment like that in other aspects of our society.

Lovely Lady Hump Day Excursion

Wednesday I went to my first amateur night at Hyena's Comedy Club. I didn't perform. It may be quite some time till I have enough gumption for that. I'm gonna start going every Wednesday. Eventually, I just may get on stage.

My only question: Should my first bit be about raping 1) babies or 2) midgets? Input required.

According To Carter II

At the beginning of the week He had a nice streamline beard going. He does not now. If you imagine him with a beard, stroking it, it makes him seem more professorlly. Anyhoo, he said this when asked about his current thoughts on cubicle to cubicle relations:


"The average level of intelligence is always lower than you expect. And that's just sad."

Pomp And Circumstance

Mandy graduated on Saturday. She made us go. It was not exactly what I would call a hoot. However, it was fun to see Mandy finally doing something with her life. She has been a life sucking leech on us all for far to long.

It was in a church. So of course, my skin burned the entire time. And my eyes. And my genitals. And my soul. This church was very large. They had a catwalk up in the ceiling. Lights, speakers, stadium seating and the thing that no modern Jesus Facility can be complete without: Electric curtains that close with the push of one little Jesusy button.

What many people don't know is that the curtain button is right next to the "tithe" button. Whoever is running that bitch has to be very careful not to let out the "tithing monkeys". The last thing anyone wants is flesh eating "tithing monkeys" descending on the crowd of gathered believers during the most dramatic part of the great christian play, "I Don't Need To Make Arguments That Make Logical Sense, I Have The Bible And The Bible Is True And I Know Bible Is True Because It Says So Right There In The Bible That The Bible Is True And Since The Bible Is True Then It Must Be The Truth That The Bible Is True". (It's a love story)

There was a lady seated to my right eating pork rinds the entire time. I was totally flabbergasted that someone would bring pork rinds to a graduation. (Actually I was upset because she never offered us any, that whore). I mean, popcorn I get, but pork rinds. Doesn't she know they make your farts smell like bacon. And when someone smells bacon fart, they of course will know who dealt it. Just as I was turning to exclaim to everyone about the smelly whorish pork rind hoarder, the pork rind "guy" came bustling down the aisle, tossing pork rinds and peanuts and foam Jesus fingers to anyone willing to shell out the $7 a pop.

Here is the reason I'm so happy Mandy is now a Medical Assistant: If I stop breathing, she can perform CPR which means she will have to put her lips to mine.

Or I will die.

Imus Update.........and.....According To Carter.....

They fired him. They fucking fired him.

Seriously, this makes me want to strangle a midget while punching a baby.

This does not bode well for our future as a society. We are doomed to eternal damnation.

In the now infamous words of Jay "I hate most things on this planet" Wiscarson: "We're Fucked!"

The top 2 news stories this week are who be da baby daddy of that dead chick and some old white guy having a serious brain fart while on public airwaves.

Wasn't there a war? Did I dream that?

ALSO........

Carter. He is a phenomenon. You can't walk down the busy streets of New York without hearing some homeless guy say something like this: "Carter"

I've decided every week to post here on my blog, a nice little nugget of info or humor from this mastermind behind the whole "Carterization" movement. If you don't know what that means, you soon will.

According To Carter I

90% of the things that can go wrong in an elevator will make it shoot up. Not down.



Ya'll have a good weekend and I'll be waiting here until Monday. Peace.

Kurt Vonnegut Dies At Age 84

My most beloved of authors. I take much of my sense of humor today from this man. He was a great American genius. Dare I say, a great world genius. Now he is gone. If you have never read him, start now. He will be missed. Below you will find the Associated Press story. Also, I promise more humorous blogs in the near future. So it goes.

Tim

NEW YORK - In books such as "Slaughterhouse-Five," "Cat's Cradle," and "Hocus Pocus," Kurt Vonnegut mixed the bitter and funny with a touch of the profound.

Vonnegut, regarded by many critics as a key influence in shaping 20th-century American literature, died Wednesday at 84. He had suffered brain injuries after a recent fall at his Manhattan home, said his wife, photographer Jill Krementz.

Vonnegut's more than a dozen books, short stories, essays and plays contained elements of social commentary, science fiction and autobiography.

"He was sort of like nobody else," said fellow author Gore Vidal. "Kurt was never dull."
A self-described religious skeptic and freethinking humanist, Vonnegut used protagonists such as Billy Pilgrim and Eliot Rosewater as transparent vehicles for his points of view.
He lectured regularly, exhorting audiences to think for themselves and delighting in barbed commentary against the institutions he felt were dehumanizing people.

"He was a man who combined a wicked sense of humor and sort of steady moral compass, who was always sort of looking at the big picture of the things that were most important," said Joel Bleifuss, editor of In These Times, a liberal magazine based in Chicago that featured Vonnegut articles.

Some of Vonnegut's books were banned and burned for suspected obscenity. He took on censorship as an active member of the PEN writers' aid group and the
American Civil Liberties. The American Humanist Association, which promotes individual freedom, rational thought and scientific skepticism, made him its honorary president.

Vonnegut said the villains in his books were never individuals, but culture, society and history, which he said were making a mess of the planet.

"I like to say that the 51st state is the state of denial," he told The Associated Press in 2005. "It's as though a huge comet were heading for us and nobody wants to talk about it. We're just about to run out of petroleum and there's nothing to replace it."

Despite his commercial success, Vonnegut battled depression throughout his life, and in 1984, he attempted suicide with pills and alcohol, joking later about how he botched the job.

"I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations," Vonnegut, whose watery, heavy-lidded eyes and unruly hair made him seem to be in existential pain, once told a gathering of psychiatrists.

Vonnegut was born on Nov. 11, 1922, in Indianapolis, and studied chemistry at Cornell University before joining the Army. His mother killed herself just before he left for Germany during World War II, where he was quickly taken prisoner during the Battle of the Bulge. He was being held in Dresden when Allied bombs firebombed the city.

"The firebombing of Dresden explains absolutely nothing about why I write what I write and am what I am," Vonnegut wrote in "Fates Worse Than Death," his 1991 autobiography of sorts.
But he spent 23 years struggling to write about the ordeal, which he survived by huddling with other POW's inside an underground meat locker labeled slaughterhouse-five.

The novel that emerged, in which Pvt. Pilgrim is transported from Dresden by time-traveling aliens, was published at the height of the Vietnam War, and solidified his reputation as an iconoclast.

After World War II, he reported for Chicago's City News Bureau, then did public relations for General Electric, a job he loathed. He wrote his first novel, "Player Piano," in 1951, followed by "The Sirens of Titan," "Canary in a Cat House" and "Mother Night," making ends meet by selling Saabs on Cape Cod.

Critics ignored him at first, then denigrated his deliberately bizarre stories and disjointed plots as haphazardly written science fiction. But his novels became cult classics, especially "Cat's Cradle" in 1963, in which scientists create "ice-nine," a crystal that turns water solid and destroys the earth.

He retired from novel writing in his later years, but continued to publish short articles. He had a best-seller in 2005 with "A Man Without a Country," a collection of his nonfiction, including jabs at the Bush administration ("upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography") and the uncertain future of the planet.

He called the book's success "a nice glass of champagne at the end of a life."

Vonnegut, who had homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons in New York, adopted his sister's three young children after she died. He also had three children of his own with his first wife, Jane Marie Cox, and later adopted a daughter, Lily, with his second wife, Krementz.

Vonnegut once said that of all the ways to die, he'd prefer to go out in an airplane crash on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. He often joked about the difficulties of old age.

"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life; old age is more like a semicolon," Vonnegut told the AP.

"My father, like Hemingway, was a gun nut and was very unhappy late in life. But he was proud of not committing suicide. And I'll do the same, so as not to set a bad example for my children."