Pomp And Circumstance

Mandy graduated on Saturday. She made us go. It was not exactly what I would call a hoot. However, it was fun to see Mandy finally doing something with her life. She has been a life sucking leech on us all for far to long.

It was in a church. So of course, my skin burned the entire time. And my eyes. And my genitals. And my soul. This church was very large. They had a catwalk up in the ceiling. Lights, speakers, stadium seating and the thing that no modern Jesus Facility can be complete without: Electric curtains that close with the push of one little Jesusy button.

What many people don't know is that the curtain button is right next to the "tithe" button. Whoever is running that bitch has to be very careful not to let out the "tithing monkeys". The last thing anyone wants is flesh eating "tithing monkeys" descending on the crowd of gathered believers during the most dramatic part of the great christian play, "I Don't Need To Make Arguments That Make Logical Sense, I Have The Bible And The Bible Is True And I Know Bible Is True Because It Says So Right There In The Bible That The Bible Is True And Since The Bible Is True Then It Must Be The Truth That The Bible Is True". (It's a love story)

There was a lady seated to my right eating pork rinds the entire time. I was totally flabbergasted that someone would bring pork rinds to a graduation. (Actually I was upset because she never offered us any, that whore). I mean, popcorn I get, but pork rinds. Doesn't she know they make your farts smell like bacon. And when someone smells bacon fart, they of course will know who dealt it. Just as I was turning to exclaim to everyone about the smelly whorish pork rind hoarder, the pork rind "guy" came bustling down the aisle, tossing pork rinds and peanuts and foam Jesus fingers to anyone willing to shell out the $7 a pop.

Here is the reason I'm so happy Mandy is now a Medical Assistant: If I stop breathing, she can perform CPR which means she will have to put her lips to mine.

Or I will die.