Eight Is Enough or Edwards/Kucinich '08!

Gravel, Obama, Dodd, Edwards, Kucinich, Biden, Richardson, Clinton


Well, I just watched the very first Democratic presidential debate of this election cycle.

I decided just before it started to grade them. I gave each of them a point for a question they answered "correctly". I didn't have to agree with them. They just had to make sense. And they had to come at least somewhat close to answering the question queried them. My results are as follows:

• Fmr. Sen. John Edwards [7pts] He's not just a smooth talker. He seems to have some real ideas. He may not be the pretty-rich-boy-wanna-be-President I thought he was.
• Rep. Dennis Kucinich [6pts] What he lacks in charm, he more than makes up for with straight talk about the issues. He is by far my favorite candidate. Which is why I think the best lineup for President would be Edwards/Kucinich in 2008. Edwards for the voice. Kucinich for the plan.
• Sen. Barack Obama [5pts] He spent about half of his time bobbing and weaving and trying not to answer questions directly. One sure fire way to not get my vote. However he also made sense half of the time. This man will most likely end up at lest being second on the Democratic ticket.
  
• Sen. Chris Dodd [4pts] Honestly, I don't think they called on him enough. I think he may have actually answered a few questions. After seeing him on The Daily Show I assumed he was just another old white man vying for the job. I can see I was wrong. Not wrong enough to vote for him though.
• Sen. Joe Biden [4pts] This guy looks like a President. However, he talks like one to. That is not a good thing
• Sen. Hillary Clinton [3pts] She was the biggest dodger of them all. She is so standard issue politician that it makes me sick. How in the crap can this woman be the front runner?
• Gov. Bill Richardson [2pts] This guy was the biggest disappointment to me. After seeing him as well on The Daily Show, I really was pulling for this guy. He really seems to have the experience and no how necessary to be an effective President. He just stumbled and sweat the whole time. Maybe he's just not good in front of crowds.
• Fmr. Sen. Mike Gravel Who the hell is this guy? Seriously. Never heard of him. After seeing his performance I can see why. He just seems angry. Angry about everything. Maybe he has IBS. After every question, he would just start screaming about the Bush administration or nukes or how crappy the other people on stage were. I'm not giving him any points. Instead, I'm going to give him the honorary award of "MOST ENTHUSIASTIC AND/OR MOST HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS (DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT HE REALLY WAS ON GOOFBALLS)"

All in all it was very exciting. So far three of them get my vote for the next President. Kucinich, Obama and Edwards. Yes I know we can't have three Presidents but It's still only 2007 for Jesus' sake. You can't expect me to decide yet.

It truly is a shame that Kucinich really has no chance. He is the only one with the balls to say what is on his mind.

Now I'm going to go masturbate with sandpaper while I watch reruns of Golden Girls.

Kennedale, I Hardly Knew Thee

I'm moving this weekend. The third time is the charm, right?

My new neighborhood brings with it many charms.

• Chipotle (it's no Freebird's, but it will do).
• Dave and Kate
• A golf course
• Strangers
• A pawn shop
• Hills
• Minorities

My next move will be a bit different. I want to live in Sweden. Maybe Canada will do but I'm shooting for Sweden. Did you know they have a king? King Carl XVI Gustaf. They have a Parliament based on Proportional Representation. They care about the environment. They are almost completely liberal. Overall it seems like a pretty dreamy place to make a life.

Basically, this country is fucked. It's going down the shittube pretty damn quick. The christians are taking over. Within a generation we will be living in a totalitarian state. The only way around it; revolution. And I don't feel like being shot at.

In other news

Some lady flipped the bird to Carter and I on the way to work on Tuesday. She didn't just flip it. She held it. We suppose it was because Carter didn't use his blinker whilst merging. I'm pretty sure she kept the bird flying proudly for at least 1.6 miles. It was rather amusing. She was hardcore committed.

I wish we could see more commitment like that in other aspects of our society.

Lovely Lady Hump Day Excursion

Wednesday I went to my first amateur night at Hyena's Comedy Club. I didn't perform. It may be quite some time till I have enough gumption for that. I'm gonna start going every Wednesday. Eventually, I just may get on stage.

My only question: Should my first bit be about raping 1) babies or 2) midgets? Input required.

According To Carter II

At the beginning of the week He had a nice streamline beard going. He does not now. If you imagine him with a beard, stroking it, it makes him seem more professorlly. Anyhoo, he said this when asked about his current thoughts on cubicle to cubicle relations:


"The average level of intelligence is always lower than you expect. And that's just sad."

Pomp And Circumstance

Mandy graduated on Saturday. She made us go. It was not exactly what I would call a hoot. However, it was fun to see Mandy finally doing something with her life. She has been a life sucking leech on us all for far to long.

It was in a church. So of course, my skin burned the entire time. And my eyes. And my genitals. And my soul. This church was very large. They had a catwalk up in the ceiling. Lights, speakers, stadium seating and the thing that no modern Jesus Facility can be complete without: Electric curtains that close with the push of one little Jesusy button.

What many people don't know is that the curtain button is right next to the "tithe" button. Whoever is running that bitch has to be very careful not to let out the "tithing monkeys". The last thing anyone wants is flesh eating "tithing monkeys" descending on the crowd of gathered believers during the most dramatic part of the great christian play, "I Don't Need To Make Arguments That Make Logical Sense, I Have The Bible And The Bible Is True And I Know Bible Is True Because It Says So Right There In The Bible That The Bible Is True And Since The Bible Is True Then It Must Be The Truth That The Bible Is True". (It's a love story)

There was a lady seated to my right eating pork rinds the entire time. I was totally flabbergasted that someone would bring pork rinds to a graduation. (Actually I was upset because she never offered us any, that whore). I mean, popcorn I get, but pork rinds. Doesn't she know they make your farts smell like bacon. And when someone smells bacon fart, they of course will know who dealt it. Just as I was turning to exclaim to everyone about the smelly whorish pork rind hoarder, the pork rind "guy" came bustling down the aisle, tossing pork rinds and peanuts and foam Jesus fingers to anyone willing to shell out the $7 a pop.

Here is the reason I'm so happy Mandy is now a Medical Assistant: If I stop breathing, she can perform CPR which means she will have to put her lips to mine.

Or I will die.

Imus Update.........and.....According To Carter.....

They fired him. They fucking fired him.

Seriously, this makes me want to strangle a midget while punching a baby.

This does not bode well for our future as a society. We are doomed to eternal damnation.

In the now infamous words of Jay "I hate most things on this planet" Wiscarson: "We're Fucked!"

The top 2 news stories this week are who be da baby daddy of that dead chick and some old white guy having a serious brain fart while on public airwaves.

Wasn't there a war? Did I dream that?

ALSO........

Carter. He is a phenomenon. You can't walk down the busy streets of New York without hearing some homeless guy say something like this: "Carter"

I've decided every week to post here on my blog, a nice little nugget of info or humor from this mastermind behind the whole "Carterization" movement. If you don't know what that means, you soon will.

According To Carter I

90% of the things that can go wrong in an elevator will make it shoot up. Not down.



Ya'll have a good weekend and I'll be waiting here until Monday. Peace.

Kurt Vonnegut Dies At Age 84

My most beloved of authors. I take much of my sense of humor today from this man. He was a great American genius. Dare I say, a great world genius. Now he is gone. If you have never read him, start now. He will be missed. Below you will find the Associated Press story. Also, I promise more humorous blogs in the near future. So it goes.

Tim

NEW YORK - In books such as "Slaughterhouse-Five," "Cat's Cradle," and "Hocus Pocus," Kurt Vonnegut mixed the bitter and funny with a touch of the profound.

Vonnegut, regarded by many critics as a key influence in shaping 20th-century American literature, died Wednesday at 84. He had suffered brain injuries after a recent fall at his Manhattan home, said his wife, photographer Jill Krementz.

Vonnegut's more than a dozen books, short stories, essays and plays contained elements of social commentary, science fiction and autobiography.

"He was sort of like nobody else," said fellow author Gore Vidal. "Kurt was never dull."
A self-described religious skeptic and freethinking humanist, Vonnegut used protagonists such as Billy Pilgrim and Eliot Rosewater as transparent vehicles for his points of view.
He lectured regularly, exhorting audiences to think for themselves and delighting in barbed commentary against the institutions he felt were dehumanizing people.

"He was a man who combined a wicked sense of humor and sort of steady moral compass, who was always sort of looking at the big picture of the things that were most important," said Joel Bleifuss, editor of In These Times, a liberal magazine based in Chicago that featured Vonnegut articles.

Some of Vonnegut's books were banned and burned for suspected obscenity. He took on censorship as an active member of the PEN writers' aid group and the
American Civil Liberties. The American Humanist Association, which promotes individual freedom, rational thought and scientific skepticism, made him its honorary president.

Vonnegut said the villains in his books were never individuals, but culture, society and history, which he said were making a mess of the planet.

"I like to say that the 51st state is the state of denial," he told The Associated Press in 2005. "It's as though a huge comet were heading for us and nobody wants to talk about it. We're just about to run out of petroleum and there's nothing to replace it."

Despite his commercial success, Vonnegut battled depression throughout his life, and in 1984, he attempted suicide with pills and alcohol, joking later about how he botched the job.

"I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations," Vonnegut, whose watery, heavy-lidded eyes and unruly hair made him seem to be in existential pain, once told a gathering of psychiatrists.

Vonnegut was born on Nov. 11, 1922, in Indianapolis, and studied chemistry at Cornell University before joining the Army. His mother killed herself just before he left for Germany during World War II, where he was quickly taken prisoner during the Battle of the Bulge. He was being held in Dresden when Allied bombs firebombed the city.

"The firebombing of Dresden explains absolutely nothing about why I write what I write and am what I am," Vonnegut wrote in "Fates Worse Than Death," his 1991 autobiography of sorts.
But he spent 23 years struggling to write about the ordeal, which he survived by huddling with other POW's inside an underground meat locker labeled slaughterhouse-five.

The novel that emerged, in which Pvt. Pilgrim is transported from Dresden by time-traveling aliens, was published at the height of the Vietnam War, and solidified his reputation as an iconoclast.

After World War II, he reported for Chicago's City News Bureau, then did public relations for General Electric, a job he loathed. He wrote his first novel, "Player Piano," in 1951, followed by "The Sirens of Titan," "Canary in a Cat House" and "Mother Night," making ends meet by selling Saabs on Cape Cod.

Critics ignored him at first, then denigrated his deliberately bizarre stories and disjointed plots as haphazardly written science fiction. But his novels became cult classics, especially "Cat's Cradle" in 1963, in which scientists create "ice-nine," a crystal that turns water solid and destroys the earth.

He retired from novel writing in his later years, but continued to publish short articles. He had a best-seller in 2005 with "A Man Without a Country," a collection of his nonfiction, including jabs at the Bush administration ("upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography") and the uncertain future of the planet.

He called the book's success "a nice glass of champagne at the end of a life."

Vonnegut, who had homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons in New York, adopted his sister's three young children after she died. He also had three children of his own with his first wife, Jane Marie Cox, and later adopted a daughter, Lily, with his second wife, Krementz.

Vonnegut once said that of all the ways to die, he'd prefer to go out in an airplane crash on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. He often joked about the difficulties of old age.

"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life; old age is more like a semicolon," Vonnegut told the AP.

"My father, like Hemingway, was a gun nut and was very unhappy late in life. But he was proud of not committing suicide. And I'll do the same, so as not to set a bad example for my children."

The Real Reason We Can't All Get Along

I'm sure by now you've heard. The most devastating thing to happen to our country in the last 20 years. Some old white guy said something stupid. He was trying to be hip and cool and in his efforts he failed. Like most old white guys trying to speak like those damn kids do today, he made himself look like a douche. A fucking douche.

Here is what should have happened: Everyone (not just the black community) hears this douche and says this "damn look at that damn white guy being a douche." End of story.

Here is what did happen: The black community flipped their gourd. They freaked the fuck out. Something that should have just been no biggie turned into this whole god damned fiasco.

Am I saying what he said was a good thing? Fuck no! I'm just saying if we are ever going to get through racism, we have got to stop making a spectacle out of every misstep that stupid old white men make.

If the black community had anything to say about it at all it should have been this: "Well, there goes another stupid old white douche." And they should have used those words. Because white people should not get offended if someone calls them a douche. Mostly we are.

Maybe it's because I'm white. Maybe it's because I'm a white male. I like to think it's because I'm a smart, level headed, white male douche and I can see that we have bigger fish to fry right now in this world than the stupid shit people say. Maybe some day we will live in a world where people don't say stupid shit. For now, we do.

Fucking deal with it and shut the fuck up.

Then, afterwards, we can have a nice good long hug. All of us.

The Scales Always Find A Way To Level Out

I got to go to my grandfather's funeral today. It was not nearly as much fun as it sounds. My dad was there. He tried to talk to me. I stabbed him.

The end.

"My New Found Old Love For Green Day" and/or "The Apocalypse Draws Near" and/or "The Longest Blog You Have Ever Read"

Green Day. Back in my "youth" I was all about them. I stopped that about 9 years ago. I thought I had outgrown them and in some respects I guess I have. However a friend of mine let me rip the Bullet In A Bible live album. It's groovy. These guys says some stuff I can definitely get on board with. I mean the few words I can understand, I agree with. For all I know they are talking about booty sex in between intelligible lyrics. Which of course I am not down with one little bit.

They are not breaking new ground with their music but they are using their art form to get out a message they feel strongly about. I say weeeeeeeeeeeee to that. Of course If they were saying something about how cool Jesusocricy is then I would feel totally different. I'm a complex creature. Leave me be.


In other news, I finally saw An Inconvenient Truth. I've been hearing a lot of gruff lately about how it is mostly lies. How it's just some liberal propaganda to garner votes.

I have two thoughts on that: #1 I love it when the conservative bitches that feed us all this bullshit we accept as "news" and "facts" starts screaming their heads off about how the "liberal media bias" is just using propaganda in order to get votes. Hmmmm, can anyone say "Jesus" or "family values" or "tax cuts" or I don't know, how about:

"I strongly believe he was trying to reconstitute his nuclear weapons program."
or
"We recently found two mobile biological weapons facilities which were capable of producing biological agents."
or
"Here's what -- we've discovered a weapons system, biological labs, that Iraq denied she had, and labs that were prohibited under the U.N. resolutions."
or
"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. You remember when Colin Powell stood up in front of the world, and he said, Iraq has got laboratories, mobile labs to build biological weapons. They're illegal. They're against the United Nations resolutions, and we've so far discovered two. And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them."
or
"The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on September the 11, 2001 -- and still goes on. That terrible morning, 19 evil men -- the shock troops of a hateful ideology -- gave America and the civilized world a glimpse of their ambitions. They imagined, in the words of one terrorist, that September the 11th would be the 'beginning of the end of America.' By seeking to turn our cities into killing fields, terrorists and their allies believed that they could destroy this nation's resolve, and force our retreat from the world. They have failed."
or
"The liberation of Iraq is a crucial advance in the campaign against terror. We've removed an ally of al Qaeda, and cut off a source of terrorist funding. And this much is certain: No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because the regime is no more."
or
"The regime . . . has aided, trained and harbored terrorists, including operatives of al Qaeda. The danger is clear: using chemical, biological or, one day, nuclear weapons, obtained with the help of Iraq, the terrorists could fulfill their stated ambitions and kill thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people in our country, or any other."
or
"He has trained and financed al Qaeda-type organizations before, al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations."
or
"One of the greatest dangers we face is that weapons of mass destruction might be passed to terrorists who would not hesitate to use those weapons. Saddam Hussein has longstanding, direct and continuing ties to terrorist networks. Senior members of Iraq intelligence and al Qaeda have met at least eight times since the early 1990s. Iraq has sent bomb-making and document forgery experts to work with al Qaeda. Iraq has also provided al Qaeda with chemical and biological weapons training. And an al Qaeda operative was sent to Iraq several times in the late 1990s for help in aquiring poisons and gases. We also know that Iraq is harboring a terrorist network headed by a senior al Qaeda terrorist planner."
or
"And the United States, along with a growing coalition of nations, is resolved to take whatever action is necessary to defend ourselves and disarm the Iraqi regime. September the 11th, 2001, the American people saw what terrorists could do by turning four airplanes into weapons. We will not wait to see what terrorists or terrorist states could do with chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons."
or
"And the United States, along with a growing coalition of nations, is resolved to take whatever action is necessary to defend ourselves and disarm the Iraqi regime. September the 11th, 2001, the American people saw what terrorists could do by turning four airplanes into weapons. We will not wait to see what terrorists or terrorist states could do with chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons."
or................................

Seriously there are like hundreds of these I could go on all week.

#2 Let's say for arguments sake that it is just liberal crap to get votes. What exactly would be so wrong with trying to treat the earth better? Why would that be such a negative thing?

I've heard a lot of people saying how he lied. But in the articles I've read, they've basically only been able to say that he is probably exaggerating. I mean they say "the science is still out on this" but to me that sounds a lot like saying "the science is still out on evolution". They offer no credible sources. They offer sources all right, just usually articles written and sponsored by the oil companies and/or the Bush administration.

OK. I didn't intend to sneak a slam on conservatives and Jesusonians into a simple easy going blog about Green Day. However, it's happened. Deal with it.