(Tim Layne) The Homeless Blogger

Gen. Pervez Musharraf is a bit of a bitch. However, he's not that far off from what we have going on right here in the United States.

2007-11-06T11:59:00.000-06:00

What is to keep whats going on right now in Pakistan from happening right here?

Nothing whatsoever.

As a nation, we find ourselves in a bit of a pickle. We have becomes serfs. We are told by the all powerful lords that we have the privilege of getting some credit so that we can buy things we don't need. Because of this, we find ourselves in servitude for the entirety of our lives.

This is no longer a free country. 1913 changed all that. That is the year the Federal Reserve Bank was founded. By the way, its a private organization. It's not actually a part of the government. That's right, the place that issues our money is a private bank. They loan money to Washington and in return Washington pays it back. With interest. Where do they get that interest? From our income tax.

The income tax we pay every year provides for no services. It goes strictly to paying off the debt that our government has taken on. A debt which they don't even have to have, because the United States government has the power to issue money. They don't have to go to the Federal Reserve. So why do they? Good question.

Oh yeah. That income tax you pay every year. There is no law anywhere that states that a private citizen earning money for their labor has to pay one cent to Federal government. Look it up. I dare you.

Meanwhile, over the past 94 years the folks in charge in Washington have been making a power grab. The president now has the power to declare a national emergency and instate marshal law and he doesn't even have to give a reason. Sound familiar? That's right. Pakistan.

Unless we wake up soon, it will be too late.

Go here.

Watch that movie. Sign up with Restore the Republic. Do something goddamn it!

P.S. Did I mention the national ID cards? They go into effect May 2008. Without one, you won't be able to get on a train or airplane or have a bank account. Aces.

Bee Movie

2007-11-02T17:06:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one wishing this damn movie to go the eff away?

It's like I can't take a shit without some form of advertising about this bullshit movie crossing my path.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jerry Seinfeld as much as the next fuckstick. But seriously, I can't take any more of this. I'm actually praying for a terrorist attack that wipes out all electricity across this great nation of ours so that I wont be subjected to this nonsense any longer.

And WHAT THE FUCK are these fucking "TV juniors" they keep showing on NBC? They just make me wanna mouth rape a retard.

THE END

Opeth

2007-10-30T18:51:00.000-05:00

Watching Mikael talk about Porcupine Tree made me hungry. Hungry for some Opeth.

Porcupine Tree

2007-10-28T23:55:00.001-05:00

I just got back from the Porcupine Tree show at the House of Blues. I have to go to bed. It was as amazing as you think it was. In honor of it, I give you these:

And I think all of you want to know what Mikael thinks about it.

Everybody be cool this is a robbery.

2007-10-24T18:10:00.001-05:00

I'm not ashamed to thieve ideas. Especially when they are from a site as amazing as this

Me + Glen Phillips =

2007-10-24T07:23:00.000-05:00

Love Babies.

I went to his show this last Sunday. As well as playing music, he talked about allot of stuff. Including Dirty Dancing.

I went with Shawn, Michelle and Sarah. It was at a yoga place. It was neat.

One of the greatest things about Glen live is his banter with the audience. Nowhere else could this have taken place:

Shawn: (yelled about the rest of the crowd) "I had the time of my life!"

Glen: (spoken quietly into the mic) "And I owe it all to you"

Also, I insulted the opening lady. Her name is Natalia. I called her Natalie. Then I banged on the bathroom door and yelled to see if there was anyone in there. Only to find it was Mr. Phillips. I scared him. I'm a douche.

He played Rise Up. Which is basically his best song ever. You can hear it on his myspace.

Life

2007-10-21T08:47:00.001-05:00

Wow! Matthew Israel himself reads my blog! Somehow I doubt it.

2007-10-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

Someone claiming to be Matthew Israel (the founder and man in charge at Judge Rotenberg) left this comment on my last post:

Ms. Gonnerman’s article “School of Shock,” which appears in the September/October issue of the Mother Jones magazine, is an entirely one-sided and biased account of the court- and parent-approved behavior modification therapy used at the Judge Rotenberg Center to successfully treat, without drugs, severe (sometimes life-threatening) behavior problems of children and young adults with special needs that have not responded to any other form of treatment. For readers who would like to hear the other side of this story, please see this.

Well, I read it. I encourage you to do the same. Everyone deserves the full story. And, when you are done reading it, I look forward to finding out where you stand on this subject.

I doubt it will change your mind about whether or not children should be hooked up to shocking machines. Who knows though. There are still folks out there who sings W's praises after all he's done. This world is pretty batshit crazy.

If you enjoy being pissed off, read this post.

2007-10-07T19:56:00.000-05:00

I got my first Mother Jones in the mail on Friday. The cover story is about this school in Massachusetts for autistic, mentally retarded and emotionally troubled kids. It's called the Judge Rotenberg Educational Center. You can read about it here or just go pick up the latest issue of Mother Jones.

Please sit down. I want you to be mentally and physically prepared for what you are about to read. Do it!

More than half of these kids are hooked up to electrodes which the staff uses to administer a 2 second shock anytime they do something "wrong". They have to wear a backpack containing the device and its batteries 24 hours a day. Even when they are fucking showering. And when they are sleeping, the backpack remains right by their side. Some of these kids have been wearing these devices for years. Like more than 5.

I really wanted to write up a very in depth review of the story. But as I'm typing this, I just fucking cant. I want to slit someones throat.

This is fucking torture. They fucking shock these kids. Painful fucking shocks. Like they are animals or something. If this was being done to prisoners it would be called what it is.

The only reason this school is still around is because of connections to senators and whatnot that keep them protected. And here is the kicker: This "school" is kept running through our fucking tax dollars.

I just cant type anymore.

The Office: U.K. v U.S.

2007-09-20T07:35:00.000-05:00

As a lifelong citizen of the United States of America I have a unique perspective of this ball made of dirt and water flying through space and time at a zillion miles per second that we live on. (I apologize for the length of the previous sentence and its rambling nature)

Any race of people which don't require sun block are automatically inferior and less civilized than us.
God is on our side and our side only in every war. That includes ones that we start.
As far as television shows are concerned, we hand the world its ass.

There seems to be two types of folks in this world: Those that regard the U.S. version of The Office as not only superior to the U.K. version but also as one of the greatest television shows in history, and those which are worthless baggies of human excrement who don't deserve the iPods Jesus died on the cross to give them.

There are several reason why someone might be deranged enough to say such a thing.

They have never seen the U.S. version
They don't have air conditioning.
They are deaf and blind.
They are being held hostage and they have been told that unless they say the U.K. version is better their kids will be eaten by cannibals.
They have lead poisoning.

How I usually get people to agree with me is to beat them upon the face with my fists. However, since you are there and I am here (unless I am watching you read this, in which case prepare for a smack) so the only thing I can do is present the facts:

Pam is hotter than Dawn. Barely.

Even though Tim is a better name, Jim makes the funnier faces.
Michael Scott is a douche. David Brent is most likely a child rapist.
Better character development.
You don't need and English to English dictionary. Unless you live in England, in which case, I don't care.

It's science.

The Bridge

2007-08-28T12:18:00.000-05:00

Sunday night I watched the documentary "The Bridge" directed by Kevin Steele. For an entire year Steele and his crew which he gathered from postings on Craigslist filmed the Golden Gate Bridge. Their intent was to catch people jumping on film. They did just that.

In 2004, 24 people choose to end their lives by jumping off that bridge. There was at least one each month. It's the most popular place in the world for people to willingly end their lives. It was an amazing documentary. It wasn't gross or disturbing. It was just very, very moving.

This picture to the left was from the movie. It was taken by a photographer who was just getting some snaps of the bridge and Alcatraz. While doing this he noticed this woman climbing over the rail. He started taking pictures of her. Then he realized what she was about to do. He put aside his camera and leaned over the rail to grab hold of her jacket. He pulled her to safety. Which you can see from the footage the filmmakers got.

The sad part about this is that it's the exception to the rule. As you can see from the film most people just walk by and don't even notice there is anyone sitting on the rail. Or if they do, they just don't care. I believe if more of us would leave our bubble of self pity and hatred and fear, we could do some more jacket grabbing. Maybe we could even save someone. Maybe even ourselves.

Various Clicks And Whurs Signaling Our Demise

2007-08-15T16:58:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I'm just not funny. Scratch that. I'm not funny most of the time. However, there is a good reason for this:

My life contains almost no drama.

I have realized that most good comedy comes from drama of some sort. "Guess what this douchbag did today" or "My girlfriends friends are such bitches" or some other such mundane crap are just not feelings that I feel. Call me heartless. Call me a robot. Fuck that! I hate fucking robots! Don't call me a fucking robot.

Yeah, I get pretty angry about the world and sometimes when I notice someone doing something insane it makes me want to smack them in the mouth but I have a hard time turning those priceless comedy fertile moments into actual giggles.

Wait.

Maybe it is just because I'm not funny. Maybe.

On a totally different note, Tuesday was Pakistan's 60th birthday. I made them a card. It took me several sweaty minutes to slap this together. Is there anything better in the world than a homespun birthday card? Yes.

The Greatest Night Of My Life???

2007-08-06T21:08:00.000-05:00

Michelle took me out for some sushi tonight. FUCK!!! That is sooooo awesome!

Sushi is seriously fucking amazing. If you don't like sushi it is because you are an asshat. True story.

We did some Shawn storytelling. We ate a bunch of jazz. Then when I got home and checked the mail.......

THIS

It's the Dil Chahta Hai soundtrack. I've wanted to own this for years. If you haven't seen this movie then you have not seen the greatest movie ever made, Bollywood or Hollywood. It's freakin amazing. Go now and get it from Netflix.

Go you fucks.

Fucking go.

Holy Moses!

2007-08-03T12:48:00.001-05:00

These people just had their 17th child. Fuck me. They have more children than people I know. If it turns out they are christian, I will put a plastic bag over my head until I collapse. Please don't wake me. I long for deaths sweet embrace. Long for it.

The One Where I Talk About My Feelings

2007-08-01T17:47:00.000-05:00

I feel lonely. At one point in time it seemed that nothing would break up my group of friends. After all we had been together since high school. Over the past few years things have changed. People have surprised me. They are married with kids. They either live or will soon be living in places with names like Sunnyvale or California. I know it's all part of getting older. It's all part of time. Objects moving through space. Soon my grandmother will be dead. My brother will be who knows where. Somebody stop this crazy ass ride. I want to get off. Seriously.

Sorry if you don't laugh. We can't always be Bill Cosby. Unless we are Bill Cosby. In which case, it would probably get old being Bill Cosby. Pudding.

Don't ask why. Just embrace it. It makes me smile.

The Real "Harry" Blockbuster Of the Summer

2007-07-30T18:02:00.000-05:00

Harry Turtledove - Settling Accounts (Book 4): In At The Death

I just got home with this. It wasn't supposed to come out until tomorrow but I guess the people at Barnes & Noble don't give a flying fucktasticle flip about that. That's fine with me.

As soon as I'm finished posting this, it's off to my bed where I will read and read and read and read until I fall asleep.

For those of you not in the know:

This is the 11th and final book in the Timeline - 191 series in which Turtledove ponders what might have happened had the C.S.A. won the Civil War.

Here is what the publisher has to say:

Franklin Roosevelt is the assistant secretary of defense. Thomas Dewey is running for president with a blunt-speaking Missourian named Harry Truman at his side. Britain holds onto its desperate alliance with the USA’s worst enemy, while a holocaust unfolds in Texas. In Harry Turtledove’s compelling, disturbing, and extraordinarily vivid reshaping of American history, a war of secession has triggered a generation of madness. The tipping point has come at last.

The third war in sixty years, this one yet unnamed: a grinding, horrifying series of hostilities and atrocities between two nations sharing the same continent and both calling themselves Americans. At the dawn of 1944, the United States has beaten back a daredevil blitzkrieg from the Confederate States–and a terrible new genie is out of history’s bottle: a bomb that may destroy on a scale never imagined before. In Europe, the new weapon has shattered a stalemate between Germany, England, and Russia. When the trigger is pulled in America, nothing will be the same again.

With visionary brilliance, Harry Turtledove brings to a climactic conclusion his monumental, acclaimed drama of a nation’s tragedy and the men and women who play their roles–with valor, fear, and folly–on history’s greatest stage.

Basically, if you are not a big time history nerd then you would probably not find this any better than eating a table spoon full of butter.

However, I care. A great deal. And now I must go crap my pants.

The Anger Ball Speaks or How To Avoid Sexually Transmitted Diseases

2007-07-25T09:35:00.001-05:00

It has recently been brought to my attention that I may resemble a fiery ball of hate and resentment and bitterness. I promise, that is not who I am.

I'm just really crestfallen when it come to the world and the humans who seem to be in control of it. The only way I can keep from stepping in front of the frowny train and its load of sadness, worry and self-doubt is to turn my own spiral of unhappiness into salty tears of wretched morbidity for others.

Sorry.

Remember:

Happiness is not a fish that you can catch but herpes is. And you can catch it from a transient named Herbert when he asks you if you can spare some change and instead of doing like you normally do and kicking him until he passes out, you blow him behind the Piggly Wiggly just for shits and giggles.

Watch out for hobos. They will give you herpes.

The End.

REMINDER: Things Not To Do!

2007-07-24T08:30:00.000-05:00

#1 No matter what the masticating masses say, don't let this baby raping demon from the depths of hell, posing as a human, spew his crazy-making-Satan-summoning gibberish within my "listening area".

Sure, I've never actually heard this album.

However, I don't need to shove my cranium up a cows vagina to know it's dark.

Seriously. Big Dog Daddy. Why don't you just cut off my fucking head or poison a plate of tacos, bring them to my home, leave them on my doorstep, then dock and run? Why do you have to keep doing this to us Mr. Keith?

Why I Cry

2007-07-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

The folks who know me know there are few things in this world that bring me pleasure. They know one of those things is This American Life.

Those who know me also know there are only a handful of things which make me retreat to a darkened corner and weep like a choir boy who has just spent the evening helping Father Murphy look for his "watch". (This was an anal rape joke. It was also a sharp criticism projected towards the Catholic church, which apparently has no real problem with homosexual males so long as they are ordained ministers and only play hide the penis with the various holes of underage boys) The "hip" people in my life know one of these horrible things is retards.

The reason they scare me so much is because of their well documented abilities.

The ability to lift a Volkswagen over their head.
The ability to read minds.
The ability to instantly turn your blood into silver.
And of course, they can fly.

This last Saturday.

This American Life was about retards!

Needless to say, I spent the whole weekend knocking old people out of their wheelchairs.

Heir To Madness Presale or How My Friend Got A Shameless Plug For Just A Bit Of Hand Action In The Back Of The Dairy Queen

2007-07-21T22:27:00.000-05:00

So. My friend Jay has caught the musical bug. Actually he's had it for quite some time. I'm just a bit slow and only recently noticed that he can "play" various musical instruments.

His current project is called Heir to Madness. It's this kinda soft, kinda hard, kinda musical thing. It's quite impressive.

I'm writing a blog about it because I care. I tell you it has nothing to do with the fact that he is paying me $0.13 for every kind word that I type. Nothing.

Basically, I want everyone who reads this to go and pre-order his album "The Citadel".

I know that's only 3 people (including Jay).

If you like his music please tell your mother. If she is dead (like mine) then I don't advise telling her. She wont be interested. Dead people only listen to top 40 radio. It's science.

Honestly, he's kind of a prick. So if you don't want to buy it that's fine as well. I hope this whole "musician" phase passes soon and he gets a real job. He has to learn sooner or later, people don't get to live out their dreams. We only get to look back at them when we are 50 and realize how pathetic we have become. Then we reach for the gun with reckless abandon and end our fucking useless, miserable, wasted lives.

I hate him. He rapes babies. I don't know if I ever told y'all that. True story. Don't worry, they are already dead. They don't feel anything.

Oh muffins! I think I may have gotten off subject there for a sec. Back to the pre-order thingy.

Here is a banner. If you think it is pretty please copy and paste it into any website you may have access to. I love you. Jay loves you. Jesus doesn't.

What We've Lost In The Melee of The Harry Potter Hype

2007-07-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

While all those 12 year olds are out there at midnight tonight clamouring for the latest edition of this romp through young adulthood, let's try and remember the most important thing.

J.K. Rowling has boobs!

Yes this is a crappy picture. But man, look at those things. All out there for us to
(G)oogle.

Aces.

I'm Trapped Inside A Glass Pickle Of Emotions

2007-07-20T10:08:00.000-05:00

I want to make fun of my friends. Not in that cute, playful way that we do when we are around each other. No. I want to talk about them like I do about mentally challenged baggage clerks (which Kroger seems to have some sort of guilt about, which is the only reason I can think of for them letting those drooling, shouting, crippled monkeys touch my food).

As much as I want this for myself, I can't. They all* read my blog. Even if I didn't give away their names they would all know who I was talking about. Then I would get some angry phone call: "Fuck you Tim. I hope you get locked in a room with 50 mongoloids. Then I hope they beat you. Using their Herculean like retard strength to rip your flabby limbs from your torso. Then they will probably start gnawing on them. I mean shit, they are retarded. What do you expect?"

*Yeah that's right. All three of them.

My friends would make good fodder for this lame ass, unfunny blog of mine. I mean they are super freaking dumb. Like a fucking bag of dumb hammers (Don't worry, I'm not talking about you).

Oh how I hate them for their crimes against lucid thought. Stupid crackers.

Retards!

This post reminds me of christians. What with all the talk of "slow" individuals who should be put down (killed) at birth.

It has been brought to my attention recently that I may have a problem with Jesus people. True story. I do. They do not make this world a better place. They are a blight on the universe. I'm not saying any other religion is better. I'm just commenting on the goons I'm surrounded by.

What Does The World Look Like From Inside A Uterus?

2007-07-19T10:36:00.001-05:00

This site is pretty interesting. Is it funny? Is it profound? Is it real?

Maybe.

The Unborn Blogger

When I Get Home I'm Going To Use The Internet (because I can)

2007-07-19T09:39:00.000-05:00

My Internet was fixed last night. I can't wait to get home to play with it.

Does it really matter what I'm going to do? No.

I may just look up Bible quotations all night. Or perhaps I'll go to Amazon and listen to 30 second clips of song I already own. Maybe I'll use GoogleEarth to finally find out where this so called "Iraq" is. Maybe I'll use Wikipedia to read all about the rich cultural history of Minnesota (Does it really have 10,000 lakes? Ask me tomorrow.)

Maybe I'll sign on and then off again of Yahoo messenger just so I can see that, yes, my Internet truly does still work.

Any of these things would be a complete waste of my valuable, precious, gorgeous time. This doesn't matter. I'm gonna do them.

Because I can.

So eff off.

July 18th.....1863!

2007-07-18T13:57:00.000-05:00

In all seriousness. Today is the 144th anniversary of the 54th Massachusetts' spearhead assault on Fort Wagner, Charleston, South Carolina.

For those of you who have never seen Glory, the 54th was the first formal African American military unit.

Led by Robert Gould Shaw, they led the assault to take Fort Wagner (which the Union never did). Out of 600 men, 172 were either killed, wounded or captured.

Sergeant William Harvey Carney was awarded the Medal of Honor, for grabbing the US flag as the flag bearer fell, carrying the flag to the enemy ramparts and back, and saying "Boys, the old flag never touched the ground!" While other African-Americans had since been granted the award, Carney's is the earliest action for which the Medal of Honor was awarded to an African-American.

Since the first time I saw Glory it has been one of my favorite movies. Their story is an incredibly important one to tell. If you haven't seen it I hope you will take the time to do it soon.

Note:
***I ganked my info and even whole sentences from Wikipedia***

House (Apartment) Party 2: The Pajama Jam!

2007-07-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

There was a party in honor of me slipping out of my mother's womb. I'm not going to bore you with the minor details here. Let's just skip to the juicy parts.

There was a party.

My closest companions where there.

Alcohol may or may not have been imbibed.

There were a few people I didn't expect to see which made me giddy.

Cake was served.

Cake was eaten.

Cake was smeared on most items in my apartment.

The laundry room door was shattered into several pieces by a marauding band of gypsies. (Yes, that happened)

Hot chicks got (almost) naked in my room. Then they got wet.

As you can see, my 27th wasn't so bad. I didn't even vomit. I didn't get a birthday blow job, but I did get a birthday kiss. Then of course I completed the transaction in my trousers.

In closing, it was the best (and hottest) night of my life.

I don't get out much.

Keith Olbermann Lays Down Some Smack On Dubya

2007-07-12T07:35:00.000-05:00

If you have about 10 minutes, watch this! If you would freely vote for Bush knowing what we know now, don't.

A New Look! & How I Was Molested By An African With His Meat Stick!

2007-07-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling frisky today.

NPR is blaring in my ears. My back is pain free (almost) and I was molested by this African guy at my work. Let me explain.

I was in the break room innocently washing my apple when some anonymous lady yells out at the top of her lungs, in a wholly dejected tone, "HOLY SHIT NUGGETS I JUST BOUGHT SOME MEAT STICK!!!" African dude was there warming his coffee in the microwave (Apparently his coffee is not ready unless the molecules have been rearranged a bit). He quickly exclaims how he will take this unwanted meat stick off her hands as he knows of a certain fellow who would not mind some free processed dead animal. He then proceeds to try and put the meat stick into my pocket.

Holy Jesus I was petrified. I mean yeah, I wanted the meat stick. Anyone who knows me knows I love all products that you can purchase at a middle of nowhere gas station. Anyone who knows me also knows that I certainly don't mind the soft touches of a balding, thick bespectacled African man.

The problem that I truly had was this bastard didn't even have the common courtesy to ask me if I wanted his giant, manly, black hands near my crotchel region.

What is this world coming to when one person can't muster the courage to say the following words: "Hey man, I'm gonna put this meat into your pocket. I understand how pants work. I know by putting my hand into your pocket this meat and I will be closer to your junkeg than anyone has been for a bit. Do you mind?"

In closing, I didn't take the meat. Dammit. Why didn't I take the meat.

Also, I hope you like the new, brighter look of my blog.

Also, as soon as I can figure out how, I will be posting a poll on my blog. Weeee!

YOWZA!!!

2007-07-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I have gone almost a month without having some sort of nonsensical rant about some sort of nonsensical thing.

The last time I blogged it was exactly one month till I turned 27. Now it's 9 days. Also, other than whining about how old the earth spinning around the sun has made me, you didn't learn one damn thing. I promise, this time you will.

Transformers is one of the greatest movies ever made. Sure it was a bit cheesy. Sure it had some gay ass love story. I'm glad there were some faults with it. If it didn't have any I'm pretty sure my head would have exploded into a shitstorm of flesh and hair and bone. And confetti. (I think we all know confetti comes out when your head explodes don't we)
Today there are a couple of celebrity birthdays. One is our fearless leader in Washington, George Walker Bush. The other, the Dali Lama. I'm not sure of the spelling on that and frankly I don't give a shit. Get over it.
Time Warner Cable are a bunch of dickheads. I hope they get mugged. Then raped. Then shat on.

I guess that's all for now. I'm not feeling particularly funny right now. In fact, I think I may go kick over a hobo's shopping cart. Fucking hobos.

How Did I Get As This Old?

2007-06-15T14:35:00.000-05:00

In exactly 30 days I will turn 27. I know. That's not that old. However. 10 years ago I was 17. I was going to soon be a senior in high school. Back then, I couldn't have even told you what happened a decade before that. Because I was 7.

In three years I will be 30. Not that it means anything. It just seems like a significant number.

Jesus. 27. How did this happen?

If any of you are thinking of anything to get me for my birfday, feel free to get me some mushrooms. I wouldn't mind a good trip in my future.

Why I Have Not Been Posting Lately...

2007-06-14T15:20:00.001-05:00

HEMROIDS!!!

The Obama Illusion: Presidential Ambitions From The Start

2007-06-06T12:55:00.000-05:00

I just read this very interesting article from the February issue of Z Magazine.

I'm not gonna waste your time trying to break it down for you.

Read it for yourself here.

Why I Love Outsourcing

2007-05-31T11:06:00.000-05:00

I spend way to much time on the internet looking at porn.

My internet is broken.

As long as I have no idea what they are saying and conversely they have no idea what I'm

saying, my internet problem will never be solved.

As long as it's not working, I can find time to do more important things like:

Read books
Watch reality shows
Bake cakes
"Bond" with Carter
Clean
Get a little "crafty"
Ponder the meaning of life

Thank God for outsourcing. And thank God for Indians. The real Indians.

Chris Hedges Is Tha Bomb

2007-05-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

Not only did he write this book, he is also featured on one of Heir To Madness' songs.

I hope he does guys.

Our President Is An Effing Joke

2007-05-24T10:46:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to the press conference. He sounds like a befuddled 10 year old boy up there trying to answer these questions. Also, I wonder why no one ever calls him on his serious bull crud to his face.

Trains, Buses and Civic Dutymobiles

2007-05-17T14:28:00.000-05:00

Boomtime, Discord 64, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

Here are some of the things I did on Wednesday:

I rode the train for the first time. These folks seriously would not shut up about their stupid card game. Who knew minorities read the paper.

I rode the bus for the first time. One thought and one thought only kept running through my mind as I boarded this bus. Where did all the minorities from the train go?

I had jury duty. I served. I was the foreman. I laid down my mighty meat clever of justice. Pauly Shore was there. He kept touching my behind.

I kicked a hobo to death.

Bright Eyes, Oakley Hall and Mcarthy Trenching, 5/11/2007, Palladium Ballroom, Dallas, Texas: A Review or My First Epic Blog Since My Last Epic Blog

2007-05-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

Prickle-Prickle, Discord 61, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

OK. So first things first. I'm not 25 feet tall. Nor am I a gifted photographer. Nor do I even own a camera. I stole, um, er........ borrowed these pics from some website. Basically it looked the same.

I went into this show with/and being a fairly new Bright Eyes fan because of Lindsay. I came out with soiled trousers and a brand new man crush.

The night started out with a couple of observations:

#1. If a ticket says the show starts at 7:30, the show really starts at 9:15.
#2. I am old. Not old in the traditional gumming-my-food-drooling-on-myself-pooping-my-pants- screaming-at-kids-as-they-run-across-my-yard-whilst-playing- a-hotly-contested-game-of-stickball-generally-creeping-out- my-great-grandkids-with-my-waaaaay-to-long-hugs-pats-on -the-ass-and-sloppy-old-spice-laden-kisses kind. No. No not that kind at all. More of a "JESUS HERBERT CHRIST LOOK AT ALL THESE DAMN KIDS AND WHEN THE HELL DID KIDS START CARRYING CELL PHONES AND WHEN DID THESE DAMN KIDS START DRESSING LIKE THAT AND WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BEHAVE AND I KNOW I DIDN'T ACT LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS A KID" kind.

Once the show started I tried to forget about all that jazz. The opening act was a band from Omaha, Nebraska (which is of course where Connor Oberst and Bright Eyes are from) called McCarthy Trenching. However, try as we may, we could not make out the name of the band no matter how many times it was said by various persons on stage throughout the night.

At first I thought they were pretty good and I wanted to buy their album. Then it appeared they were pretty much playing the same song over and over just with different themes and introductions such as: "this is a song about the west" or "this is a song about cowboys" or "this is a song about crickets" or "this is a song about spaghetti" or "this is a song about how I think of touching little boys but I don't. My reasons for not going through with my sick, sick primal boy rape desires is that I don't want to make baby Jesus cry". You know, the usual.

Next up was a joyous family bandish hodge podge of musical delight. They went by the moniker of Oakley Hall. They were brilliant. It was like countryish, rockish, folkish.....stuff. They put on a great show. They are my new favorite band.

Before I tell you about Bright Eyes, I would like to tell you about a weird Phenomenon/Crisis which has hefted itself upon us. It is in these dire times, when live music in Dallas is just barely hanging on by a limp noodle of an appendage, that the giants living amongst us have decided to pounce and destroy our rock show experiences with their 6ft 5in demonry. I mean seriously folks, where in the biscuit tossing world did all these tall people come from. I had to stand on Lindsay's shoulders just so I could get a fleeting glimpse of what I thought was a musical performance going on in front of us all. It was like camping. It was in tents.

Anyhoo.

Bright Eyes. The main attraction. I don't want to go on and on and on and on about how amazing it was. Although it was. I don't want to drool all over my computer and pants just thinking about how incredibly stupendous it was. Although I am. There were about 14-15 people on stage most of the time. 3 drummers. A couple of cellists. Flautist. Saxophonist. Keyboards. Guitar. Bass. Violin. And various other multi-talented musicians. They had a guy in the back making art with various objects and then projecting them onto a screen behind the band. He was doing it live. It was fairly interesting.

They ended the show with what seemed like a 10 minute version of "Road to Joy", which from the first time I heard it has been my favorite tune in the very extensive Bright Eyes catalogue. However, to say they ended with that song is not telling the whole story. They actually ended the show with noise and a bit of violence. Just as I thought Mr. Oberst was taking off his guitar off to smash it into a million musically useless fragments he freaking hands it to the audience. Just hands it off. Can you believe that. That guy must be mentally retarded. He then proceeded to rip apart the setup on stage. He through some flowers at the audience. He kicked over some percussion jazz. It was great. Not something I agree with doing but something I seriously love watching.

Then, as we were leaving the venue. Lindsay was having a bit of a hard time getting out of her parking space because people (at times) can be bitches. So, she just backed right into somebody. I was like "HOLY SHIT LINDSAY, CALM THE FUCK DOWN"! Then she slapped me in the face. She told me she had no problem backing over my legs and then kicking me in the twig and giggle berries. Then, when some lady had a problem with her driving. Lindsay made me piss on her and her kids. It was very scary. Never in my life have I been so frightened. In fact. I'm still frightened. I hope she doesn't read this and get pissed and then travel to my apartment and douse me in gasoline and set me on fire and then laugh while I melt. I hope not.

(there may have been some writers discretion used on that last little bit)

Shopping With The Carter

2007-05-13T21:15:00.000-05:00

Pungenday, Discord 60, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

I can't believe they sell this stuff at Kroger. I mean damn, you don't even have to work for it. It's just there for you to buy. BADASS!!!

Also, it was right next to the pink salmon. AMAZING!!!

"They Crawl From The Ocean To Paint In The Caves, But I'm Workin All Weekend I Need To Get Paid"

2007-05-11T08:21:00.000-05:00

I have lived like a rock star this last week. Honestly, I'm sick of it. I can't wait to get back to my old boring life where I just sit at home and try to think up ridiculous crap to say in a blog that has no purpose.

Monday - Spiderman 3
Tuesday - Fox & Hound for a Black Forest and some Pear Cider
Wednesday - Amateur night at Hyena's where some guy totally stole my bit about humping my Grandmother.
Thursday - Modest Mouse (where I saw the most original band every in the history of sound, Man Man)
Friday - Bright Eyes tonight with a friend I've been trying not to actually see in person for quite some time now.

I don't have anything funny to say. I just wanted y'all to know how much cooler I am than you.

By the way. Carter has his own site now. That's why there is no more According to Carter. It's right here.

Spiderman 3 Starring: Thomas Haden Church as Sandman, Topher Grace as Venom and Bruce Campbell as Maître d’

2007-05-08T08:04:00.000-05:00

Pungeday, Discord 55, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3173

So yeah, I can now join the ranks of humans who have seen the new Spiderperson movie (trying to be politically correct).

If you compare it to previous Spiderperson movies it blows disgruntled goats. However, it was definitely better than watching a Care Bear marathon while my grandmother sits naked in my lap eating butter with her hands.

!!!!!SPOILER WARNING!!!!!

They kill Venom. That's dumb. He is the best Spidey villian. I hope Sam Raimi has a heart attack.

The Rare Weekend Post or If You Wanna Be With Me You Gotta Get With My Friends

2007-05-06T03:33:00.000-05:00

Season of Discord 53, Sweetmorn - 3173
(from now on, for your convenience, all dates will be converted into the Paratheo-Anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric calender dates. Thank you for your cooperation)

I know many of you have thought about this. You have stayed up late at night wondering "how can I convince Tim to be with me and not all those other adoring fans that clamour over him like salted pork at a fat farm?" Well wait no more for the cosmos to dribble its knowledge into your waiting pineal gland.

If you wanna get with me, you have to have these qualifications:

You have to be more attractive than me. I know this sounds simple but you have no idea how many marriage requests I get from bearded women smeared in spoiled apple butter.
You have to be able to name at the drop of the hat these people: The President of the U.S.A., the Vice President, the Speaker of the House, the Governor of your state, the Lieutenant Governor of your state, both of your U.S. Senators, your U.S. Representative, Your state Senator, your state Representative, the mayor of your city, the President of your local school board and local P.T.A., your neighbors on both sides of you and directly across the street from you, the person who wrote the Principia Discordia and the King of Sweden
You must not watch: American Idol, America's Next Top Model or any other incredibly mind draining, soul numbing "reality" television show,
You must not listen to anything currently playing on a top 40 radio station. Notice: this is cyclical and as soon as something is no longer considered "popular" you are free to resume listening to this music as it is no longer in league with The Dark Prince.
You have to know who Terri Gross is and who her last guest was.
You must read. Books. Well. And be able to demonstrate this ability upon request. Tests will be given.
You must not, I repeat, MUST NOT be aligned with any, I repeat, ANY religion. Just because your parents did it doesn't give you the right to poison your mind with that dividing, hateful, fear mongering nonsense.
You must be willing to sit alone in a dark room and listen to "The Music That Died Alone" by The Tangent. When I ask you how you felt about it you must respond "it was the most amazing thing ever. Seriously. Ever. I'm actually crying. And I'm pretty sure I peed a bit". Here is a picture of this album to help you on your quest to find it so you can get cozy with it before our meeting.

If you meet and or exceed these qualifications you will be granted an interview with me about joining me in union. Instructions for how to handle the interview process will be uploaded to this site at a later date when time/space/continuum constrictions allow.

Peace.

HAIL ERIS!

FIVE TONS OF FLAX!

Giving Immigrants A Path To Citizenship

2007-05-02T08:27:00.000-05:00

Before you read this blog, consider this: Just because slavery was legal, did not make it right.

After the U.S. abolished slavery, no one seriously thought former slaves should be held criminally responsible for breaking the law by running away from their masters when slavery was still the law of the land.

I recommend we look at illegal immigration in the same light. We have a seriously jacked up immigration system. It can take more than a decade to get the green light for moving into this country. That is ridiculous.

Yes these people did come here illegally. Yes they are breaking the law in many ways by staying here. Forged documentation, not paying taxes, etc.

Their country is a total crap basket. All these people want is a good life. Where they can bring their families and let them have a future.

As long as they are peaceful and plan on contributing to our society and our economy, there is no reason we can't let them come.

Our laws are the reason these people are criminals. Not their actions. There is a difference.

Therefore, I see nothing wrong with allowing those already in this country to get a path to citizenship.

It's obvious to me, the real reason for the anti-immigration fervor is racism.

I hope this blog made sense. I wrote it kinda fast.

I also hope that if you don't agree with me that you will kill yourself. Thanks.

My Beard As A Topic Of Conversation

2007-05-02T08:21:00.000-05:00

It's not a new thing.

For the past 7 years, give or take a few months here and there for my clean shaven, Mormon like appearance, I have had hair growing on my face in some fashion. And at least once a week since I started my hairy endeavor, someone has made it a topic of conversation.

Especially in elevators. Especially in elevators.

I'm Pretty Awesome

2007-05-01T09:28:00.000-05:00

Busy, busy, busy.

That was me this weekend.

A couple of things happened of great importance.

#1
I moved to north Arlington. So I could be closer to Guitar Center. So I could go in at any time and caress the sweet, sweet Access Virus TI with my nipples.

#2
I was on the news. Yes, that's right, unlike you, I was on the news. My thoughts on the very important topics that touch and shape our world were in great demand. They had to feel my feelings. With their hearts. With their minds. With their souls.

So, in summary: I'm better than you.

Sorry.

Eight Is Enough or Edwards/Kucinich '08!

2007-04-26T18:40:00.000-05:00

Gravel, Obama, Dodd, Edwards, Kucinich, Biden, Richardson, Clinton

Well, I just watched the very first Democratic presidential debate of this election cycle.

I decided just before it started to grade them. I gave each of them a point for a question they answered "correctly". I didn't have to agree with them. They just had to make sense. And they had to come at least somewhat close to answering the question queried them. My results are as follows:

Fmr. Sen. John Edwards [7pts] He's not just a smooth talker. He seems to have some real ideas. He may not be the pretty-rich-boy-wanna-be-President I thought he was.
Rep. Dennis Kucinich [6pts] What he lacks in charm, he more than makes up for with straight talk about the issues. He is by far my favorite candidate. Which is why I think the best lineup for President would be Edwards/Kucinich in 2008. Edwards for the voice. Kucinich for the plan.
Sen. Barack Obama [5pts] He spent about half of his time bobbing and weaving and trying not to answer questions directly. One sure fire way to not get my vote. However he also made sense half of the time. This man will most likely end up at lest being second on the Democratic ticket.
Sen. Chris Dodd [4pts] Honestly, I don't think they called on him enough. I think he may have actually answered a few questions. After seeing him on The Daily Show I assumed he was just another old white man vying for the job. I can see I was wrong. Not wrong enough to vote for him though.
Sen. Joe Biden [4pts] This guy looks like a President. However, he talks like one to. That is not a good thing
Sen. Hillary Clinton [3pts] She was the biggest dodger of them all. She is so standard issue politician that it makes me sick. How in the crap can this woman be the front runner?
Gov. Bill Richardson [2pts] This guy was the biggest disappointment to me. After seeing him as well on The Daily Show, I really was pulling for this guy. He really seems to have the experience and no how necessary to be an effective President. He just stumbled and sweat the whole time. Maybe he's just not good in front of crowds.
Fmr. Sen. Mike Gravel Who the hell is this guy? Seriously. Never heard of him. After seeing his performance I can see why. He just seems angry. Angry about everything. Maybe he has IBS. After every question, he would just start screaming about the Bush administration or nukes or how crappy the other people on stage were. I'm not giving him any points. Instead, I'm going to give him the honorary award of "MOST ENTHUSIASTIC AND/OR MOST HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS (DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT HE REALLY WAS ON GOOFBALLS)"

All in all it was very exciting. So far three of them get my vote for the next President. Kucinich, Obama and Edwards. Yes I know we can't have three Presidents but It's still only 2007 for Jesus' sake. You can't expect me to decide yet.

It truly is a shame that Kucinich really has no chance. He is the only one with the balls to say what is on his mind.

Now I'm going to go masturbate with sandpaper while I watch reruns of Golden Girls.

Kennedale, I Hardly Knew Thee

2007-04-25T09:38:00.000-05:00

I'm moving this weekend. The third time is the charm, right?

My new neighborhood brings with it many charms.

Chipotle (it's no Freebird's, but it will do).
Dave and Kate
A golf course
Strangers
A pawn shop
Hills
Minorities

My next move will be a bit different. I want to live in Sweden. Maybe Canada will do but I'm shooting for Sweden. Did you know they have a king? King Carl XVI Gustaf. They have a Parliament based on Proportional Representation. They care about the environment. They are almost completely liberal. Overall it seems like a pretty dreamy place to make a life.

Basically, this country is fucked. It's going down the shittube pretty damn quick. The christians are taking over. Within a generation we will be living in a totalitarian state. The only way around it; revolution. And I don't feel like being shot at.

In other news

Some lady flipped the bird to Carter and I on the way to work on Tuesday. She didn't just flip it. She held it. We suppose it was because Carter didn't use his blinker whilst merging. I'm pretty sure she kept the bird flying proudly for at least 1.6 miles. It was rather amusing. She was hardcore committed.

I wish we could see more commitment like that in other aspects of our society.

Lovely Lady Hump Day Excursion

2007-04-20T09:20:00.000-05:00

Wednesday I went to my first amateur night at Hyena's Comedy Club. I didn't perform. It may be quite some time till I have enough gumption for that. I'm gonna start going every Wednesday. Eventually, I just may get on stage.

My only question: Should my first bit be about raping 1) babies or 2) midgets? Input required.

According To Carter II

2007-04-20T08:59:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of the week He had a nice streamline beard going. He does not now. If you imagine him with a beard, stroking it, it makes him seem more professorlly. Anyhoo, he said this when asked about his current thoughts on cubicle to cubicle relations:

"The average level of intelligence is always lower than you expect. And that's just sad."

Pomp And Circumstance

2007-04-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

Mandy graduated on Saturday. She made us go. It was not exactly what I would call a hoot. However, it was fun to see Mandy finally doing something with her life. She has been a life sucking leech on us all for far to long.

It was in a church. So of course, my skin burned the entire time. And my eyes. And my genitals. And my soul. This church was very large. They had a catwalk up in the ceiling. Lights, speakers, stadium seating and the thing that no modern Jesus Facility can be complete without: Electric curtains that close with the push of one little Jesusy button.

What many people don't know is that the curtain button is right next to the "tithe" button. Whoever is running that bitch has to be very careful not to let out the "tithing monkeys". The last thing anyone wants is flesh eating "tithing monkeys" descending on the crowd of gathered believers during the most dramatic part of the great christian play, "I Don't Need To Make Arguments That Make Logical Sense, I Have The Bible And The Bible Is True And I Know Bible Is True Because It Says So Right There In The Bible That The Bible Is True And Since The Bible Is True Then It Must Be The Truth That The Bible Is True". (It's a love story)

There was a lady seated to my right eating pork rinds the entire time. I was totally flabbergasted that someone would bring pork rinds to a graduation. (Actually I was upset because she never offered us any, that whore). I mean, popcorn I get, but pork rinds. Doesn't she know they make your farts smell like bacon. And when someone smells bacon fart, they of course will know who dealt it. Just as I was turning to exclaim to everyone about the smelly whorish pork rind hoarder, the pork rind "guy" came bustling down the aisle, tossing pork rinds and peanuts and foam Jesus fingers to anyone willing to shell out the $7 a pop.

Here is the reason I'm so happy Mandy is now a Medical Assistant: If I stop breathing, she can perform CPR which means she will have to put her lips to mine.

Or I will die.

Imus Update.........and.....According To Carter.....

2007-04-13T09:07:00.000-05:00

They fired him. They fucking fired him.

Seriously, this makes me want to strangle a midget while punching a baby.

This does not bode well for our future as a society. We are doomed to eternal damnation.

In the now infamous words of Jay "I hate most things on this planet" Wiscarson: "We're Fucked!"

The top 2 news stories this week are who be da baby daddy of that dead chick and some old white guy having a serious brain fart while on public airwaves.

Wasn't there a war? Did I dream that?

ALSO........

Carter. He is a phenomenon. You can't walk down the busy streets of New York without hearing some homeless guy say something like this: "Carter"

I've decided every week to post here on my blog, a nice little nugget of info or humor from this mastermind behind the whole "Carterization" movement. If you don't know what that means, you soon will.

According To Carter I

90% of the things that can go wrong in an elevator will make it shoot up. Not down.

Ya'll have a good weekend and I'll be waiting here until Monday. Peace.

Kurt Vonnegut Dies At Age 84

2007-04-12T07:47:00.000-05:00

My most beloved of authors. I take much of my sense of humor today from this man. He was a great American genius. Dare I say, a great world genius. Now he is gone. If you have never read him, start now. He will be missed. Below you will find the Associated Press story. Also, I promise more humorous blogs in the near future. So it goes.

Tim

NEW YORK - In books such as "Slaughterhouse-Five," "Cat's Cradle," and "Hocus Pocus," Kurt Vonnegut mixed the bitter and funny with a touch of the profound.

Vonnegut, regarded by many critics as a key influence in shaping 20th-century American literature, died Wednesday at 84. He had suffered brain injuries after a recent fall at his Manhattan home, said his wife, photographer Jill Krementz.

Vonnegut's more than a dozen books, short stories, essays and plays contained elements of social commentary, science fiction and autobiography.

"He was sort of like nobody else," said fellow author Gore Vidal. "Kurt was never dull."
A self-described religious skeptic and freethinking humanist, Vonnegut used protagonists such as Billy Pilgrim and Eliot Rosewater as transparent vehicles for his points of view.
He lectured regularly, exhorting audiences to think for themselves and delighting in barbed commentary against the institutions he felt were dehumanizing people.

"He was a man who combined a wicked sense of humor and sort of steady moral compass, who was always sort of looking at the big picture of the things that were most important," said Joel Bleifuss, editor of In These Times, a liberal magazine based in Chicago that featured Vonnegut articles.

Some of Vonnegut's books were banned and burned for suspected obscenity. He took on censorship as an active member of the PEN writers' aid group and the
American Civil Liberties. The American Humanist Association, which promotes individual freedom, rational thought and scientific skepticism, made him its honorary president.

Vonnegut said the villains in his books were never individuals, but culture, society and history, which he said were making a mess of the planet.

"I like to say that the 51st state is the state of denial," he told The Associated Press in 2005. "It's as though a huge comet were heading for us and nobody wants to talk about it. We're just about to run out of petroleum and there's nothing to replace it."

Despite his commercial success, Vonnegut battled depression throughout his life, and in 1984, he attempted suicide with pills and alcohol, joking later about how he botched the job.

"I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations," Vonnegut, whose watery, heavy-lidded eyes and unruly hair made him seem to be in existential pain, once told a gathering of psychiatrists.

Vonnegut was born on Nov. 11, 1922, in Indianapolis, and studied chemistry at Cornell University before joining the Army. His mother killed herself just before he left for Germany during World War II, where he was quickly taken prisoner during the Battle of the Bulge. He was being held in Dresden when Allied bombs firebombed the city.

"The firebombing of Dresden explains absolutely nothing about why I write what I write and am what I am," Vonnegut wrote in "Fates Worse Than Death," his 1991 autobiography of sorts.
But he spent 23 years struggling to write about the ordeal, which he survived by huddling with other POW's inside an underground meat locker labeled slaughterhouse-five.

The novel that emerged, in which Pvt. Pilgrim is transported from Dresden by time-traveling aliens, was published at the height of the Vietnam War, and solidified his reputation as an iconoclast.

After World War II, he reported for Chicago's City News Bureau, then did public relations for General Electric, a job he loathed. He wrote his first novel, "Player Piano," in 1951, followed by "The Sirens of Titan," "Canary in a Cat House" and "Mother Night," making ends meet by selling Saabs on Cape Cod.

Critics ignored him at first, then denigrated his deliberately bizarre stories and disjointed plots as haphazardly written science fiction. But his novels became cult classics, especially "Cat's Cradle" in 1963, in which scientists create "ice-nine," a crystal that turns water solid and destroys the earth.

He retired from novel writing in his later years, but continued to publish short articles. He had a best-seller in 2005 with "A Man Without a Country," a collection of his nonfiction, including jabs at the Bush administration ("upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography") and the uncertain future of the planet.

He called the book's success "a nice glass of champagne at the end of a life."

Vonnegut, who had homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons in New York, adopted his sister's three young children after she died. He also had three children of his own with his first wife, Jane Marie Cox, and later adopted a daughter, Lily, with his second wife, Krementz.

Vonnegut once said that of all the ways to die, he'd prefer to go out in an airplane crash on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. He often joked about the difficulties of old age.

"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life; old age is more like a semicolon," Vonnegut told the AP.

"My father, like Hemingway, was a gun nut and was very unhappy late in life. But he was proud of not committing suicide. And I'll do the same, so as not to set a bad example for my children."

The Real Reason We Can't All Get Along

2007-04-11T20:42:00.000-05:00

I'm sure by now you've heard. The most devastating thing to happen to our country in the last 20 years. Some old white guy said something stupid. He was trying to be hip and cool and in his efforts he failed. Like most old white guys trying to speak like those damn kids do today, he made himself look like a douche. A fucking douche.

Here is what should have happened: Everyone (not just the black community) hears this douche and says this "damn look at that damn white guy being a douche." End of story.

Here is what did happen: The black community flipped their gourd. They freaked the fuck out. Something that should have just been no biggie turned into this whole god damned fiasco.

Am I saying what he said was a good thing? Fuck no! I'm just saying if we are ever going to get through racism, we have got to stop making a spectacle out of every misstep that stupid old white men make.

If the black community had anything to say about it at all it should have been this: "Well, there goes another stupid old white douche." And they should have used those words. Because white people should not get offended if someone calls them a douche. Mostly we are.

Maybe it's because I'm white. Maybe it's because I'm a white male. I like to think it's because I'm a smart, level headed, white male douche and I can see that we have bigger fish to fry right now in this world than the stupid shit people say. Maybe some day we will live in a world where people don't say stupid shit. For now, we do.

Fucking deal with it and shut the fuck up.

Then, afterwards, we can have a nice good long hug. All of us.

The Scales Always Find A Way To Level Out

2007-04-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

I got to go to my grandfather's funeral today. It was not nearly as much fun as it sounds. My dad was there. He tried to talk to me. I stabbed him.

The end.

"My New Found Old Love For Green Day" and/or "The Apocalypse Draws Near" and/or "The Longest Blog You Have Ever Read"

2007-04-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

Green Day. Back in my "youth" I was all about them. I stopped that about 9 years ago. I thought I had outgrown them and in some respects I guess I have. However a friend of mine let me rip the Bullet In A Bible live album. It's groovy. These guys says some stuff I can definitely get on board with. I mean the few words I can understand, I agree with. For all I know they are talking about booty sex in between intelligible lyrics. Which of course I am not down with one little bit.

They are not breaking new ground with their music but they are using their art form to get out a message they feel strongly about. I say weeeeeeeeeeeee to that. Of course If they were saying something about how cool Jesusocricy is then I would feel totally different. I'm a complex creature. Leave me be.

In other news, I finally saw An Inconvenient Truth. I've been hearing a lot of gruff lately about how it is mostly lies. How it's just some liberal propaganda to garner votes.

I have two thoughts on that: #1 I love it when the conservative bitches that feed us all this bullshit we accept as "news" and "facts" starts screaming their heads off about how the "liberal media bias" is just using propaganda in order to get votes. Hmmmm, can anyone say "Jesus" or "family values" or "tax cuts" or I don't know, how about:

"I strongly believe he was trying to reconstitute his nuclear weapons program."
or
"We recently found two mobile biological weapons facilities which were capable of producing biological agents."
or
"Here's what -- we've discovered a weapons system, biological labs, that Iraq denied she had, and labs that were prohibited under the U.N. resolutions."
or
"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. You remember when Colin Powell stood up in front of the world, and he said, Iraq has got laboratories, mobile labs to build biological weapons. They're illegal. They're against the United Nations resolutions, and we've so far discovered two. And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them."
or
"The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on September the 11, 2001 -- and still goes on. That terrible morning, 19 evil men -- the shock troops of a hateful ideology -- gave America and the civilized world a glimpse of their ambitions. They imagined, in the words of one terrorist, that September the 11th would be the 'beginning of the end of America.' By seeking to turn our cities into killing fields, terrorists and their allies believed that they could destroy this nation's resolve, and force our retreat from the world. They have failed."
or
"The liberation of Iraq is a crucial advance in the campaign against terror. We've removed an ally of al Qaeda, and cut off a source of terrorist funding. And this much is certain: No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because the regime is no more."
or
"The regime . . . has aided, trained and harbored terrorists, including operatives of al Qaeda. The danger is clear: using chemical, biological or, one day, nuclear weapons, obtained with the help of Iraq, the terrorists could fulfill their stated ambitions and kill thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people in our country, or any other."
or
"He has trained and financed al Qaeda-type organizations before, al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations."
or
"One of the greatest dangers we face is that weapons of mass destruction might be passed to terrorists who would not hesitate to use those weapons. Saddam Hussein has longstanding, direct and continuing ties to terrorist networks. Senior members of Iraq intelligence and al Qaeda have met at least eight times since the early 1990s. Iraq has sent bomb-making and document forgery experts to work with al Qaeda. Iraq has also provided al Qaeda with chemical and biological weapons training. And an al Qaeda operative was sent to Iraq several times in the late 1990s for help in aquiring poisons and gases. We also know that Iraq is harboring a terrorist network headed by a senior al Qaeda terrorist planner."
or
"And the United States, along with a growing coalition of nations, is resolved to take whatever action is necessary to defend ourselves and disarm the Iraqi regime. September the 11th, 2001, the American people saw what terrorists could do by turning four airplanes into weapons. We will not wait to see what terrorists or terrorist states could do with chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons."
or
"And the United States, along with a growing coalition of nations, is resolved to take whatever action is necessary to defend ourselves and disarm the Iraqi regime. September the 11th, 2001, the American people saw what terrorists could do by turning four airplanes into weapons. We will not wait to see what terrorists or terrorist states could do with chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons."
or................................

Seriously there are like hundreds of these I could go on all week.

#2 Let's say for arguments sake that it is just liberal crap to get votes. What exactly would be so wrong with trying to treat the earth better? Why would that be such a negative thing?

I've heard a lot of people saying how he lied. But in the articles I've read, they've basically only been able to say that he is probably exaggerating. I mean they say "the science is still out on this" but to me that sounds a lot like saying "the science is still out on evolution". They offer no credible sources. They offer sources all right, just usually articles written and sponsored by the oil companies and/or the Bush administration.

OK. I didn't intend to sneak a slam on conservatives and Jesusonians into a simple easy going blog about Green Day. However, it's happened. Deal with it.

Several Reasons To Move To The Forest And Say Fuck It

2007-03-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

The average full time working human makes $800 less a year than they did in 1977. However, the expense of living (food, shelter, transportation, health care) has gone up over 70%. Both of these figures have been adjusted for inflation.

Meanwhile: Last year, Exxon-Mobile brought home more in profit ($39.5 Billion. That's right, BILLION!) than any other company ever in the history of our known universe. While they were raking in that major freaking dough, we paid all time highs at the pump.

Meanwhile: The credit card industry remains unregulated while they continue to rape us in the tookus.

If an average family went out and spent $5000 on everything they needed to get ready for a baby and put that money on their credit card, then made the minimum monthly payment every month, this is how long it would take them to pay it off: That child will grow up, get married and have their own kids before it's all said and done. About 36 years. And that is if they don't raise the interest rates above the average of 18%.

One in every 7 Americans pay money to a collection agency.

In 2005 Congress passed a law that makes it much tougher for the average American to declare bankruptcy. The lobbyists for the credit card industry are the ones who wrote that law. Literally. FUCKING LITERALLY!

Meanwhile: George Walker Bush is still in office. Richard Cheney is still his vice president. An illegal war is still being waged in a foreign land. A war for money. A war for power. You fucking christians can't really believe these guys were chosen by God to rule over us. You just can't.

They give no thought to our future. All they know is they must grab everything they can with both hands until they hear the DING! And my friends, there doesn't seem to be a Ding! on the horizon. Only more ass raping.

Lesbians!

2007-03-28T07:25:00.000-05:00

Does it make me gay that I like the Indigo Girls?

I hope not.

The last thing I want is a Penicular Device in my mouth and/or anoos.

Till the White Wings Of Death Carry You Away.......

2007-03-27T14:19:00.000-05:00

So, I married Dave and Kate this last weekend. I was so nervous I had to wear my depends. And yes I did poo my pants. It was a good thing I had them on.

It was a very cool experience. I don't really agree withe the institution of marriage so I found some stuff to say that ran along the lines of what I believe in personally and Dave and Kate liked it.

I read a passage about marriage from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. Part of the quote read: "you will be together until the white wings of death carry you away..." so of course I decided it should best be left out. I figured to myself I could remember to skip over it and need not write in my book thus graffiti-ing an amazing work of art. I didn't. So I started to say that line, stammered and somehow was able to not say those mood unsetting words and carry on. No one seemed to notice.

Carter and Deondra both did an excellent job of performing "Where I Belong". A song that Kate wrote the lyrics to and Carter and Deondra recorded a while back. You can hear it here.

It was actually a lot of fun and I hope in the future when my friends get mewwied they will remember me. That is of course if they aren't up Jesus' ass.

Last Night I Was Attacked By A Bear!!!

2007-03-23T09:31:00.000-05:00

I assure you, this did not happen.

However, this did: It was the first episode of "This American Life". I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to use quotes like that for for Jesus' sake I can't remember all these damn literary "rules".

Was it as good as I hoped it would be? Yes.

I was going to write this long breakdown of the show and tell you all about it in great detail. I've decided not to do that. You must see it for yourself. If you go to their website they have all the rerun times on there. Also, you still have time to get Showtime. Do it dammit. Also, I know I misspelled dammit. That's how I like it.

!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!NEWSUPDATE!!

They just said on my ipod (which means they said it yesterday) Fred Dalton Thomas may very well be taking a shot at the Cracka Crib.

I'm taking this moment to make a prediction. If he does decide to run, he will be the next president of these United States. I guarantee it.

Also, sometime next week I will bring you a breakdown of all the presidential possibles in all parties. So please stay tunes cause I know you are excited about that.

Aslo, how can you expect anyone to take you seriously when you pronounce all your R's with W's? "We have a wheel pwoblem with nucleaw pwolifiwation in Iwan. Wheely. I'm sewious. It's a wheely bad pwoblem".

Have a good weekend. Or not.

So, I Married Two Axe Murderers

2007-03-21T07:59:00.000-05:00

My friend Dave and his fiance Kate are getting married on Saturday and I'm going to be there. Right there. In front of them. In front of everyone. In a suit. Holding some marriage type words in my hand. Speaking about love and friendship. Asking for our lord and saviour Jesus McChrist to bless their holy union. Then. Afterwards. I will be signing a document. This document will more or less bind these two together legally. My name will be on that document. Forever. I feel so important right now.

Why do I feel like it's my first stand-up gig? Only I don't think I'll be making them laugh. I'll be making them cry.

Saturday. Be there or be square. My first marriage. Their first marriage.

Whoopee!

The History of Competetive Scrabble???

2007-03-16T11:27:00.000-05:00

This morning, I was listening to a podcast of Talk of the Nation, a daily talk show on NPR. The main topic of the day was Bracketology. Mark Reiter has written a book called "The Enlightened Bracketologist: The Final Four of Everything" in which he (along with many guest Bracketists) make brackets for not quite everything.

First, I have this to say: I love the idea of a good top ten list and/or using some method to determine the "best" of anything. In fact, I tend to do this in my head all the time. Since I was a wee lad, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, covered in hot sticky sweat, grasping for some sort of writing material/utensil because I must figure out who has the best chicken tenders (Chicken Express) or some other maddening nonsense which most people would dismiss as a momentary lapse of sanity.

That being said, I thought I was alone on this. I had imagined all my life that I was the one with the problem. I was the one with the obsession. I was wrong.

I don't know if I'm more happy to know I'm not alone or sad to know there are others out there like me, infecting the world with their garbage.

On that note, have a great weekend you schlubs. Or shall I say schlub? I know there is only one of you reading this. I can dream though can't I? Can't I?

P.S. Schlub is not negative. I think.

Which Begs The Question: What The F**K?

2007-03-15T08:16:00.000-05:00

How in the hell....after all that has happened....can anyone with a brain in their head....still support the current administration? I am so freakin sick of Bush apologists. I want to puke. I mean seriously. Are these people robots? There has to be something wrong with them. Unless of course they are just kidding. That must be it. They are kidding. I'm not laughing.

I can't be specific. There is just too much. TOO FREAKIN MUCH!

We have been lied to. Repeatedly. About very serious issues. Our future is in the hands of greedy, motherless, manipulative, evil thieves. All they care about is making a buck. They certainly don't lose any sleep at night lying straight to our faces about their motives.

I know I'm not alone on this. There are millions of Americans and non-Americans alike who concur with my point of view. I say non-Americans because like most of us I'm only vaguely familiar with the concept that there are other less fortunate people that don't live inside these great Jesus blessed borders of ours. I mean I know they are out there, I just don't know what those places are called. Is it England? I heard someone say that once. Is that right? England?

We don't really care though do we. I mean yeah, I'm pissed but what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Maybe it's because I feel defeated before I even start. Maybe I'm just lazy. I keep telling myself, "as soon as I get my crap straight then I'll start trying to make a difference". I wonder.

There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Right? I'm not sure we can take much more of this.

Maybe the Jesus Fanatics are right and we are living in the end times. If so, I hope God can realize I have been kidding all these years. I have accepted Jesus into my heart as my lord and saviour and I voted for Bush just like he commanded. Oh lord, I just puked a little in my mouth just typing that.

Jon Stewart said it best: "Which begs the question, what the f**k?"

These people also said some things.

"What the world needs now is love" - Burt Bacharach

All we need is love. - The Beatles

We all need some light now. - Transatlantic

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair" - Ron Burgandy

"Inconceivable" - Vizzini (the short ugly guy form The Princes Bride)

"Die you mutherf***ers!" - Man #4 (Pulp Fiction)

This Is Not The Last Time I Am Going To Mention It

2007-03-14T20:42:00.000-05:00

The Jesus Machine

2007-03-14T11:37:00.000-05:00

I recently read a book by Sam Harris called "The End Of Faith". A rousing call to action against faith. In it, he posed this very interesting question:

Imagine there are two candidates for President. On one hand, we have a candidate with an amazing political resume and has publicly stated that he/she does not believe in some imaginary parental figure dolling out judgments from his magic golden castle in the sky. On the other, we have a beautiful actor/actress who until recently had no interest in politics at all and the only thing we know about them for sure is they are a super-duper-hands-in-the-air-oh-god-oh-god Jesus freak. Which candidate would win?

The answer is scary.

This is a poll I would genuinely like to do.

If you have any ideas please let them be known.

Held To The Past (to aware of the pending)

2007-03-13T15:26:00.000-05:00

The Shins/50 Cent got it right. Live in the moment or die trying. If you don't understand what I just said, join the club.

Did you know the FDA might start regulating the cigarette market? Some former director of the FDA was asked why they don't just ban them because they don't have any health benefits and all they do is kill their users. He replied: "We can not ban them because there are 23 million Americans who smoke and that would just create a black market".

I wonder if they've thought about pot this way? I doubt it.

The government is ignorant.

And stupid.

And christian.

And dumb.

And racist.

And dumb.

From: Tim To: The Haters and Nonbelievers

2007-03-12T11:43:00.000-05:00

It's happening. There is nothing you can do about it. It can't be stopped. No way. No sir. No mercy. No thanks.

What the crud am I referring to?

I just heard news of a new television show. Presented on Cable. A show that will command the airwaves in a kind of total dominance not seen since the days of I Love Lucy. That's right. I Love Lucy. Shut up.

Thursday, March 22nd at 9:30pm Central. Mark that date and time with a permanent marker. I don't care where. Just mark it. I'll wait.

Showtime has decided to bring one of the greatest radio programs of human history to the moving picture industry. That show: This American Life. If you don't know what This American Life is, you are most likely a Republican. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. JKJKJK. Actually, you probably just don't listen to NPR. Which of course makes you a right wing fascist pig. (Notice I'm not laughing here).

Every week on This American Life, Ira Glass sucks you into a cosmic rift in the space-time continuum of which there is no escape. He transports us mere mortals into a realm of complete bliss. It's a show about real people. It's a show about real life. It's a show set to flip the switch on television as you now know it. Dude.

So please, for the sake of the children, give it a once over. If you don't like what you see, you are stupid. Plain and simple. And if you don't have Showtime, you need to get it or find a friend that has it or watch through a neighbors window. Jesus Krizal!!!!! Just do something. I'm so sick of your bitching. There is a reason why God invented stealing cable.

Go.

P.S. Lindsay. I told you. Give me $1.

My First Blog Since My Last Blog

2007-03-09T10:16:00.000-06:00

I know it's Friday. I know I'm supposed to be working right now. I know so many things. There is however one thing I don't know: Why have I not Blogged in so very, very long?

Regardless of the answer, I am blogging now. So please. CALM THE FREAK DOWN!

You may have noticed that I used the word freak right there instead of that other unspeakable word that I might normally use. Like I said, I'm at work. I've been here for 4 days including today and the last thing I want is for my boss to be standing behind me while I curse away like a drunken sailor hopped up on goofballs.

NEWS UPDATE! NEWS UPDATE! NEWS UPDATE!

As you may have deduced by now, I have a job. I work with The Carter. Well, I don't really work WITH him. I work at the same place. However, if I stood up at my cubicle and yelled CAAAAARRRTERRRRRR!!! I'm pretty sure he would stick up his cute little head and I would be able to make eye contact across the room.

A lot has happened since my last blog. Actually that's not true at all. Besides the job, nothing of great importance has happened. Except this: Dave Matthews appeared as a brain damaged concert pianist on the show House this last Tuesday. WEEEEE!

If you don't find this blog more amusing then I can blame it on only one factor: My boss is staring at me right now.

I promise to have many, many, many more blogs in the future. I'm thinking about installing a door on my cubicle that way I will be able to blog with impunity. Next on Homeless Blogger: Tim looks for a new job!

Everyone Else Is Doing It So Why Can't I

2006-12-31T12:58:00.000-06:00

I have given up on the blog-a-day recipe. There are several reasons. It was not fun. It made me cry. Most of all it made me not funny. Boo Hoo.

As my last blog of 2006 I have decided to do a "Best Of" list. Please remember, these are MY best ofs not yours. Therefore, if you disagree with me, tuff!

Best Movie That Made Me Piss My Pants
Borat
Maybe it's racist. Maybe it's rude. Maybe it's stupid. These things I don't know. All I know is this: I left the theater with soiled undies. This is definitely the best comedy since There's Something About Mary.

Best Movie Based On A Comic Book That Has Already Been Made Into A Movie But That Didn't Stop Them From Making Another One
Tie: Batman Begins and Superman Returns
Some may say it's the amazing special effects. Some may say it was the fresh new story lines. Some may even say it was the sexy sexy actors who played the main characters. The truth is, the reason these movies are so amazing is because of one simple reason. Both of their titles had verbs in them. We all love a good verb.

Best Celebrity Deaths That Came In Threes
James Brown, Gerald Ford, Saddam Hussein
Honestly, I don't remember what happened the rest of this year. There may very well have been a better celebrity death trifecta. I'm however, entirely to lazy to do any research. You have to admit though, these are some doozies.
1. First came James Brown. The father of indistinguishable lyrics. He was able to take those sounds you make when you stub your toe on the coffee table in the dark into actual chart topping songs. No one else has even come close to making that work. Maybe Eddie Veder. Maybe.
2.Then Gerald Ford bit it. The only man never to be elected to the oval office. Good for him. All he had to do to get there was compromise his morals and pardon a completely evil man. The Devil if you will.
3. Last and certainly not least in this parade of death, Saddam Hussein. He was hanged for the killing of 148 people following an assassination attempt on him in 1982. What about the millions he killed since then? Well you must remember, He was our ally then. We certainly can't hold him accountable for atrocities he committed under our watchful eye. Especially since we gave him the green light.

Best Reason To Go Outside
Sunlight
Apparently this stuff makes things grow. I haven't seen the proof yet. I'm gonna have to defer to the scientists on this one.

Best Album
The Decemberists: The Crane Wife
No jokes here. Just great music. If you don't believe me, do a search on google for "best albums of 2006" and check it for yourself. This album is on everyones best of list. Maybe not at #1 but that is just because they are stupid.

Best Reason To Stop This Blog
I'm done
Seriously, I have things to do. Please go outside. Celebrate with your friends. Be careful tonight and if you get the chance, find a priest to rape.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Day 23: What Happened To Day 22? (HAPPY BOXING DAY!)

2006-12-26T15:47:00.000-06:00

It was Christmas dammit. I know I don't celebrate the commercially drenched holiday of the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I was busy. Deal with it.

Over the weekend my homey Jay and I worked on some music. It was great. It felt really good to be a part of the creation process. I suppose you could say my main contribution was to be a "creative consultant", however I did provide some drum machine and keyboard skills. By some I mean nothing of great importance came from me. It was still fun.

I picture the music we make together as "Techno-Metal-Pop". I wonder if Jay would be willing to have another "side" project?

This is what I found out about this great holiday:

Boxing Day is a holiday celebrated in Britain, Australia, New Zealand, and Canada. It falls on December 26th, which is also St. Stephen's Day.

St. Stephen was a little known saint who achieved eternal fame by being the first Christian to be martyred for his faith, and he met his death by stoning.

Boxing Day is so called because on this day it was the customary for tradesmen to collect their Christmas boxes or gifts in return for good service throughout the year. Also, it included giving money and other gifts to charitable institutions, and the needy.

The holiday may date from as early as the Middle Ages, but the exact origin is not known. It may have begun with the Lords and Ladies of England, who gave Christmas boxes/gifts to their servants on December 26, or maybe by priests, who opened the church's alms (charity boxes), and distributed the contents to the poor and needy.

Boxing Day may not be as much fun as Festivus but it's close. Weee!

Day 21: Happy Fucking Christmas (almost)

2006-12-24T18:22:00.000-06:00

Day 20: Blood Diamond

2006-12-23T13:04:00.000-06:00

I went to see Blood Diamond last night with my buddies Eric and Jay. It was pretty amazing. I was not expecting to be entertained as much as I was. Especially by Leo Decap.

It's a pretty brutal movie about diamonds that come out of these war torn areas of Africa. I have been aware for years that most diamonds are mined in Africa by the locals in almost slave like conditions. However, I did not know the kinds of things humans are putting each other through over there for the right to have and sell these diamonds.

I wonder, if people knew that someone lost an arm for their diamond necklace what they would do. Would they give it back? Would they even care?

Jesus. What is wrong with us?

This is interesting as well.

Day 19: Confessions Part I

2006-12-22T16:15:00.000-06:00

I want to be honest with you about something. This is something I have never told anybody before. I'm pretty sure, not even my mother knew about this. I am very very stupid when it comes to writing the English language. I don't just mean I make tons of spelling errors - which I do - or that I have horrible grammar habits - ditto - I mean everything. The actually hand writing of the language of the free world is beyond me.

Here is what I mean:

1. No matter how slowly I write, I guarantee you will not be able to read it. I don't care if you do work for the CIA as a code breaker, it's not going to happen.

2. I'm pretty sure I don't know how to spell anything. The only reason I get anything right when I type is because of luck and spell check.

3. I can't write in cursive. Only my name. That's it. I'm serious. How little of a brain do you have to have, not to be able to write in cursive? Didn't we learn that in grade school? Fuck.

4. There are several letters in the English language which I have never been able to master. I CAN'T FUCKING WRITE THEM! These include: G, K, Q, S, and Y. I can't make an upper case G without feeling like I'm wrestling an oiled up Rosie O'Donnell. I only know one K and that is upper case. Please don't ask me to write a lower case. It is impossible. I would prefer not to speak of Q. My S's both lower and upper look like 5's. Or is it that my 5's look like S's? I don't know. There is nothing I can do about this. Believe me, I've tried. Y is the same as K only opposite. I can only write lower case Y's.

Man I'm stupid. I'm only telling you this so we can grow closer by sharing. Now please give me some of your embarrassing flaws.

Day 18: Blogger.com Shows How Cool They Are

2006-12-21T12:33:00.000-06:00

Blogger.com announced the other day that the new version of Blogger is no longer in beta. It just is. It is what it is. Blogger.com.

They said this:

I am overjoyed to announce that today we have o’ficially graduated the new version of Blogger from “in beta” to “.” Why is this significant? Allow me to explain via analogy:

Battlestar Galactica with Lorne Greene : Battlestar Galactica with Edward James Olmos :: Old Blogger : New Blogger

That's right. Battlestar Galactica. Please don't make fun of this. Your have no idea what you are missing. It is by far the best television show ever. NOt just the best Sci-Fi, the best period. Ever. FUCKING EVER!

Here is a taste. This one is free. After it, you have to pay.

Day 17: You're A Cunt, You're A Cunt, You're A cunt....

2006-12-20T17:04:00.000-06:00

I pissed my pants when I saw this. Literally. I'm sitting here in a pool of my own piss. It's warm.

Day 16: Amos Lee LIve or Humanity's Stench or That Hot Girl Next To Me Just Touched My Arm

2006-12-20T00:37:00.000-06:00

I just got back from seeing Amos Lee live in concert at The Gypsy Tea Room. Right now it's 11:43 pm. Just barely made it. Almost had to miss my first day of the "Blog-a-Day". I know most of you pricks out there are hoping for my failure to maintain my promise to blog every single day for the next year. You know this failure will drive my OCD ass to purchase a gun and end it all by blowing my brains out in front of an elementary school right as the last bell of the day has rung and all those innocent , tiny humans are running to the bus with visions of cartoons and candy dancing gingerly through their TV and or sugar addicted minds.

You people are sick. Really fucking twisted ass sick. Damn you.

Back to the subject at hand. Amos Lee.

HE WAS FREAKING AMAZING. That man can sing like no other in this modern world of computer enhanced vocals. You didn't really think Britney and Paris could really sing did you? Sorry to stomp on your poor pathetic excuse for a life.

I only have one complaint to lay upon this fine evening. It was in Dallas. Fucking Dallas. Seriously, what the fudge muffins is wrong with the retards in that city? What kind of strange Peruvian rain forest disease makes them want to shell out $20 for a ticket and then, while the featured act is playing, bark to each other like horny mongoloids on a rampage through a playground full of virgin puppies ripe for the pickin'?

It was nice however, to be around that many humans. It has been a while. I miss the smell of sweaty meat popsicles (that's a 5th Element joke for all of you keeping score out there) grinding together in unison. At one point, this incredibly beautiful woman standing mere inches from me actually bumped up against me and her skin I KID YOU FUCKING NOT touched mine! Needless to say, every bodily fluid imaginable came out of me at once and I had to flee to the safety and confinement of the bathroom. (It's a good thing I brought that extra set of clothes with me. I need to remember them more often) When I returned to my spot in the humpfest that whorish woman had the nerve to look repulsed. You know what the graham cracker crust you did!

In review: It was a pretty darn good affair. Weee!

Here is some Amos Lee for your listening pleasure:

Day 15: He Died Doing What He Loved

2006-12-18T16:08:00.000-06:00

Nothing makes me want to rape midgets more than this statement: "at least he died doing what he loved".

On Sunday, one of the three men missing on Mt. Hood, Kelly James, was found dead. Of course, when his family found out they said this: "at least he died doing what he loved". What kind of bullshit is that? Who cares what the fuck he was doing when he died?

I'm pretty sure while Mr. James was huddled in his little cave, waiting for deaths sweet embrace he said this to himself: "at least I'm gonna die doing what I love". Hmm. I'm pretty sure that is not how it went down. It probably went down something like this: "FUUUUUUUUUUCK! I'M GONNA FUCKING DIIEEEEEEEEE!!! SHIIIIIIIIIIT! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

I don't mean to trivialize his death. I also don't mean to trivialize the awe inspiring sport of which Mr. James was a card carrying member, mountain climbing. OK. I do mean to trivialize mountain climbing.

Only crazies and robots are stupid enough to climb a mountain for fun. Just because it's there.

Here is the moral of the story. When someone dies. Know matter what he was doing when it happened. Don't say this: "at least he died doing what he loved". Nobody wants to die. Not even doing something they love. Nobody.

Day 14: Sunday Image Extravaganza II

2006-12-17T17:43:00.000-06:00

I assume this picture was taken during the depression. Obviously I don't know that for sure. It struck me as true yet very sad. Has anything changed since this picture was taken?

Day 13: The Best Music Video Ever

2006-12-16T20:50:00.000-06:00

Nuff said. Watch and learn you depressed emo bitches.

Day 12: Mr. Holland's Opus Still Makes Me Cry

2006-12-15T18:52:00.000-06:00

True story. I know I know its pretty damn gay. It does and you can deal with it. C'mon you know the part. The end. Where Mr. Holland enters the auditorium and everyone stands and cheers and there is that huge banner that says "Good Bye Mr. Holland". Yes it's cheesy. In fact, the whole movie is pretty cheesy. However, Mr. Holland's Opus is very well written and very very well acted. I love Richard Dreyfuss. He's my man.

There is one problem however that rains on my party of buttsexery. How many people, 30 years after the fact, can still play the instrument they played in High School band? Huh? How many? I refuse to believe that Gertrude Lang played by the always pale Joanna Gleason can after 30 years be the Governor of their fine state and still have time to polish up on her clarinet playing. Bullshit! Hogwash! It totally ruins my teary eyed moment. Damn them.

With that aside, I still love Mr. Holland's Opus. I vote it for best movie of all time. Ever. That new Rocky movie may give MHO a run for its money though. I can't wait. Toodles.

Did I mention William H. Macy is in the movie. I'm sure you all knew that already. He's dreamy.

Day 11: The Republican Conspiracy And Why A Woman Or A Black Man Won't Win The White House

2006-12-14T15:14:00.000-06:00

I read an interesting article this morning about how the Democrats may lose control of the senate. If Sen. Tim Johnson of South Dakota becomes dead or is incapacitated for the long haul it will most likely mean the end of the Democratically controlled Senate. If he bites it then the Governor of his home state gets to pick his replacement. Guess what. Gov. Mike Rounds is a Republican (Excuse me while I vomit). The chances of him picking a Democrat are about as good as this guy passing a High School Equivalency exam.

Here is what I think: Conspiracy!

It's obvious the republicans refuse to accept a Congress that is completely controlled by the Dems.

It's obvious they had to do something about it.

It's obvious they tampered with Mr. Johnson's brain.

Damn Republicans. Will they do nothing to stop at their total conquest of the universe? No.

This is also the reason why Sen.'s Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama (the two front runners for the Democratic nomination for President) will not be living there in 2009. The Republicans could run Rick Santorum with David Duke as Vice President and they would still win.

Like that guy used to say in those suit ads "I guarantee it".

I know the picture at the top has nothing to do with this blog. It just makes me giggle like a little girl.

Day 10: I Have Nothing To Say

2006-12-13T20:53:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a long year. Ten days and I'm already out of things to blog about. Dookie.

Maybe its just because I have nothing to do. I'm not sure I have even talked to another human today. Hmmmmm. Do county employees count? For now, I've got insurance. This is the first time since I was 19. How ridiculous is that. I never once claimed to be a smarty.

There is this: Merriam-Webster Dictionary has declared Thruthiness as their first annual "Word Of The Year". If you are a fan of The Colbert Report then you know what I'm talking about. If you are not, then you are stupid. You Idiot.

Well, I'm sorry I haven't had more to say to my disciples. Here is a comedic image to sooth your souls. Peace.

Wait!

That's not funny. That's sad. Now I must go cut myself.

PS. I just realized that one there at the bottom of Minnesota. I did some research. It turns out, one of their delegates wrote in John Edwards for President and John Edwards for Vice President. So that means John Edwards officially got 1 electoral vote for President. Wee.

Day 9: A Sports Report For All You Stupid Fucks (sorta)

2006-12-12T21:39:00.000-06:00

So. The Dallas Cowboys........wait. Let me start over.

So. Stupid fucking sports. There that's better.

Today's blog is once again ripped straight from the pages of my local fucking newspaper. It appears the Dallas Cowboys have unveiled plans for their new stadium. Wee.

(First, let me tell you this: I did not vote for this stupid shit. I wasn't even allowed. It's like I was a black person trying to vote in Florida. You see, I live in a small town called Kennedale. Wee. Kennedale is right next to Arlington, which is where the new Cowboys stadium is being placed. You can't buy anything in Kennedale. There is not even a grocery store. If I want to purchase anything besides petrol for my fucking car, I have to drive to Arlington. What am I getting at? The tax imposed in Arlington which will pay for roughly 1/3 of this new extravagant contraption affects me. Sure its only .05 cents. What you don't know: I spend millions every day. I'm fucking rich. Wee)

How much is it going to cost?

$1,000,000,000.

That's a billion. ONE BILLION DOLLARS!

Do you stupid fucks have any idea how much money that is? I don't. I was kidding earlier when I said I was rich. I'm not really rich. Man that makes me sad. Just like the xtians (you see how I did that? You know, because sometimes we say xmas. Damn I'm clever. Someone give me some money......seriously) these stupid fucking sports fucks are building shit we don't need. Not even shit we don't need. Shit we REALLY DON'T FUCKING NEED GOD DAMN IT!!!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Could we feed the hungry with that money? Could we house the homeless? Could we give every person in this god forsaken country $3.50? We will never know. Actually we do know. It's math. God how I hate math. (You people have no idea how long it took me to figure out about how much each man woman and child would get in this country. No idea. I'm pathetic)

God I hate this country. Why can't I live in Sweden? Or how about New Zealand?

Day 8: 4 yr Old Gives "Sexual" Hug

2006-12-11T14:46:00.000-06:00

I refuse to believe this story. My eyes must be deceiving me. I must have forgotten how to read english. Maybe I have just somehow slipped into Bizarro World. Either way, I seriously feel like I'm about to puke. Seriously. Fuck

How in the fuck can you say that a 4 year old boy gave a "sexual" hug? I mean shit. Come the fuck on people. What the fuck is wrong with our world? What's going on? Have we seriously gotten to the point where we can accuse a 4 year old of sexual harassment?

I thought for sure the biggest sign of the apocalypse would be Britney Spears showing off her snatch to the whole world. Now this. Seriously folks. I'm scared.

However, there is a small chance this kid did sexually harass that woman. In which case WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? Where does a kid at the tender age of 4 learn to sexually harass? Which is worse? The school freaking out about a 4 year old "sexually" hugging a teacher or a 4 year old boy sexually hugging a teacher.

I want to cry.

For our planet.

(and my eyes for having actually gazed into the mindless fuckvoid that is Britney Spears' pussy)

Day 7: Sunday Image Extraveganza

2006-12-10T18:31:00.000-06:00

I Stumble alot with Mozilla Firefox. Every once in a while I will find a picture that really makes me think. Or it just makes me laugh. Or weep.

I've decided to show you some of these images over the next year. I hope you enjoy.

Day 6: IMOGEN FREAKIN HEAP!!!!

2006-12-09T16:27:00.000-06:00

I just found out the other day that the love of my life, Imogen Heap has been nominated for two Grammys.

The future Mrs. Layne will battle it out in the 'Best New Artist' category and the 'Best Song Written For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media (Cant Take It In from The Chronicles of Narnia – The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe). As far as the 'Best Song Written For A Motion Picture' category, she has a pretty good chance of winning that one. It sucks because she stands no chance in hell of winning 'Best New Artist'. With such amazing acts (I say that with a look of disgust for my visually impaired readers) as James Blunt, Corinne Bailey Rae and Carrie Underwood (yeck) its a no brainer the award will go to the lowest common denominator. Immi is way more talented than these hacks, which is a sure fire sign that she will not win. Bastards.

Oh well. It's an honor to be nominated right. Right.

Day 5: The Thing Was:

2006-12-09T01:43:00.000-06:00

I couldn't sleep. I got up. I felt like reading some Kurt Vonnegut. I grabbed "Galapagos". I'm already on chapter 17. Jesus Jumping Jack Flash Fiddlesticks Christ. This man can write. I am of the firm belief that Mr. Vonnegut could write about my last bowel movement in a way that would make God weep. Not Jesus. God. Jesus weeps at everything. I just might stay up all night and finish this damn thing. Or not.

Kurt Vonnegut, I adore you. If I were a woman, or if I were gay, or if I just wanted some casual sex regardless from who or what, then I would most certainly give you a bit of the ol' in-out-in-out. I'm serious. Seriously. I am.

If anyone reading this wants to get me a xmas gift. Do this: Get me a Vonnegut book that I don't own. (I own Galapagos, Slaughter House 5, Breakfast of Champions, and Timequake) Used or new. I don't give a good god damn. Of course I don't celebrate xmas. I trust you won't expect anything in return.

If you don't want to give me a Kurt Vonnegut book, please give me a job.

Day 4: When A Man Loves A Woman

2006-12-07T12:52:00.000-06:00

I want to fall in love with a woman. It's an experience I have never had. I've come close I think. Twice. However I think with both of them, it was more lust than love. Yeah. Lust. Love's touch has never fallen upon me. There has never been a human in my life I've truly wanted to be with. Not just be around. Be with.

I'm not crying here.....well.....maybe just a little.

The way I see it, at the golden age of 26, my time for love has most likely already passed. I'm now so set in my ways and beliefs, there is no way I'm going to settle. It would take a pretty amazing woman to catch my eye. An even more special one to catch my heart. All I can really look forward to is this:

Being the old guy on my porch with the cane, yelling at passing kids to stay off my grass. Damn fucking kids. Bastards.

All i need now is a cane......and a porch.

Fucking kids.

Day 3: My Heart, Hearts New York

2006-12-06T14:21:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday, New York City became the first American city to ban artificial artery-clogging trans fats at restaurants. Is this a good thing? Yes. Is this a bad thing? Yes. Here is what I mean:

The liberal in me says YES. The city of New York is only doing this to help people. It appears once again, Americans are to dumb to make good choices for themselves. (2 examples of previous bad choices include refusing to wear seat belts and this nasty little thing called slavery) The government has stepped in to protect us from ourselves.

The conservative in me says NO. The big apple has completely overstepped its boundaries in deciding for us what we can and can not put into our bodies. If I want to put deadly chemicals into my pie hole, I should be allowed to. It's my American right.

It seems a good thing. People eating in New York restaurants will be healthier because of this decision. It sucks the decision was made for them. At this point in time we should have the common sense to ban this shit ourselves. We don't.

I don't call New York home. Now a part of me wishes i did. My heart. Damn my parents for screwing in Texas! Home of the perpetual dip shits.

Day 2: Churches!

2006-12-05T21:04:00.000-06:00

There aren't a whole lot of things in this world that make me sick. OK. There are.

There aren't a whole lot of things in this world that make me REALLY REALLY SICK! OK. There are.

There aren't a whole lot of things in this world that make me want to pull out my pubic hair one by one while blowing a sailor about to leave for Iraq. There is only one. Fucking huge fucking churches! While riding around with a friend today, I think I saw maybe 6 or 7 MEGA-CHURCHES. These are churches so big, they make malls look tiny. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Do they seriously think this is what god wants? Yes. Yes they do. They believe, instead of spending the millions of dollars it costs to build these monstrosities on helping people(homeless, poor, sick, whatever) it should be spent building these monuments to fairy tales that do nothing but separate us and make us miserable.

If you belong to one of these churches, please kill yourself. If you don't, please, for the love of god, allah, jehovah or whoever the shit it is you do or do not believe and or pray to, help me. Help me by burning down these eye sores. All it takes is a can of gas and some matches. Who's with me??

Anybody?

If you don't have any gas or maybe you just ran fresh out of matches, there is a very small thing you can do instead. Wait outside one of these churches until someone exits. Then. Punch them in the genitals. If we cant burn down these bitches, then maybe we can at least stop them from having more mindless automatons.

A blog a day for the next year

2006-12-04T05:03:00.000-06:00

Maybe not. Maybe so. I mean, who the hell knows. More than likely I will forget. More than likely I will really be homeless before I can even finish my first. Today is December 4th 2006. I guess you already knew that. Damn. This isnt exactly a great start. Fuck it. Sorry for the language.

Today I sit at a crossroads. I know thats cheesy. Its the truth. I have no job to speak of. I have a problem that sidelines me from my previous work. Although I wouldnt say Im to choked up about it. However, it will make me poor. In fact, I am already poor. Poo. A friend suggested I start a blog. He suggested I start one to make money. He has suggested many things. Many of them I ignore or dismiss as insane. For some reason, this isnt one of them.

Oh shit! A little about me........and my blog:

1. I will do almost anything to avoid correct punctuation or sentence structure.
2. I will most likely cuss more than you want. Unless of course you demand a non stop cussfest, in which case you are shit out of shitty fucking luck. Fuck.
3. I dont believe in "bad" words. However, I do believe in old people and stupid christians.
4. Im a liberal. I say liberal things. I also say improper things. Sometimes it involves children. Sometimes what I say offends old people and stupid christians. Fuck em.
5. Im not a fan of old people or christians. Unless they are giving me money. In which case.....no I still dont like them
6. Im usually much funnier than this. Unless you find this funny. In which case please keep moving. You are not welcome. Unless you plan on giving me money. Then you can give me money. But then leave. Thanks
7. Im 26 and I live with my grandmother and retarded brother.
8. Sometimes I cry.
9. I honestly believe that no matter how bad it gets, there is always suicide.
10. From now on please refer to me as "Butch". Reasons will be disiminated to the masses at a much later date.

After doing my spellcheck I realized it wants me to capitalize christians. No.